Jane Wagner
: US
playwright/director
Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot
better about myself.
All my
life I wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more
specific.
We got new advice as to what motivated man
to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation.
TOP
Rufus Wainwright
: US singer/songwriter
I went to see Moulin Rouge last night and I
want to be in the sequel where Ewan McGregor realizes he's gay and we can
do a duet together on top of the Eiffel Tower or something.
TOP
Gary Waldhorn
: British actor
As David Horton in The Vicar
of Dibley:
She's the most useless thing on the planet
with the possible exception of the Pope's testicle department.
The other day she wanted to know why
Parliament needed a Foreign Secretary when so many English girls could
take shorthand.
TOP
Murray Walker
: British Formula 1
commentator/author
On his own commentary style:
I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be
wrong.
See also the
OOPS! page.
TOP
Edgar Wallace
:
British
author/playwright/poet/war correspondent/reporter/soldier
An intellectual is someone who has found something more
interesting than sex.
TOP
Jessie Wallace
: British actress
On her job as a theatrical make-up
artist: I was curling his (Joseph Fiennes’)
hair, and as he looked at me in the mirror I felt my knees go weak. He is
just so gorgeous. Then my hands broke out in a sweat and I dropped these
red hot tongs in his lap. Mercifully he laughed it off, but it could have
been really nasty.
On the worst job she ever had:
I think it was working for Benetton and I had the job for about less than
an hour before I walked out. I was standing there folding up jumpers and
people kept coming in and unfolding them so I just walked out!
I'd love to have sex in the thunder in a
field thick with mud. With a man in a top hat.
As Kat Slater in
Eastenders:
(Charlie : We're meant to be having
a family night in, so we can sit and chat. Believe it or not, we used to
do a lot of this in the Sixties) No wonder everyone was on drugs.
TOP
Eli Wallach
: US actor
Remarking on a long line of people
at the box office before one of his performances:
There’s something about a crowd like that that brings a
lump to my wallet.
TOP
Julie Walters
: British
actress/comedienne
I was going through puberty at the same
time my mother went through the change. The menfolk kept away.
When asked if she thought she might continue acting into her eighties:
I mean I'd like to keep my finger in - that sounds rude - my hand in - oh
no, worse - but hopefully I'll be gardening, travelling the world by then,
writing my novels. I'd like to think there'll be too much of real life
going on for me to want to do much acting.
As
Mrs Overall in Acorn Antiques:
Oh, I am pleased. This calls for some tonic
wine and a sponge finger.
(Berta: Hello, Mrs O. How’s
widowhood treating you?) Mustn’t grumble. I
sometimes think being widowed is God’s way of telling you to come off the
pill.
(Berta: Daddy’s gone and got
himself shot in Dhaka, Mrs. O). Oh, and he’d
only just got over that chill on his kidneys.
Here’s your cocktail, and don’t blame me if
you run out of stomach lining.
(Babs: Da da de dum. Right. Mrs
O! We never heard you come in. What happened to the body?)
Mr Clifford? He's gone nice and stiff, so I've propped him up by the
ironing board.
As Petula Gordino in
dinnerladies:
As Gerard Depardieu said to me that day in Deauville, what’s the point in
having a big nose if you can’t jam a banana up it?
TOP
Andy Warhol
: US artist
I am a deeply superficial
person.
TOP
Roger Waters
: British bass guitarist/songwriter/vocalist for Pink Floyd
I was demoted from lead to rhythm and
finally to the bass. There was always a frightful fear I would land up as
the drummer.
TOP
Ruby Wax
: US
comedienne/writer/actress
I wanted to call this show Oprah but they wouldn't let me.
TOP
Arabella Weir
: British
comedian/actress/writer
On The Fast Show:
Does my bum look big in this?
TOP
Orson Welles
: US actor/director
My
doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are
three other people there.
Ask not what you can do for your country.
Ask what's for lunch.
TOP
George Wendt
: US actor
As Norm Petersen in Cheers:
Women! Can't live
with em' .... pass the beer nuts ....
I'm in
a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that
tap. (Sam: Looks like beer, Norm). Call me Mister Lucky.
(Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?)
Like a baby treats a diaper.
(What's the story Norm?)
Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.
(How's life treating you Norm?)
Like it caught me
sleeping with its wife.
(What's new Normie?)
Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer.
(What'd you like Normie?)
A reason to live. Give
me another beer.
(Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you).
I
know, if she calls, I'm not here.
(Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?)
Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty.
Once trust is out of a relationship, it's
not so much fun lying any more.
TOP
When
I’m good I’m very good, but when I’m bad I’m better.
After her performance in Catherine The Great:
I’m glad you like my Catherine. I like her too. She ruled thirty million
people and had three thousand lovers. I do the best I can in two hours.
It’s
not the men in my life that count; it’s the life in my men.
I like two kinds of men: domestic and
imported.
Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
TOP
Kevin Whately
: British actor
As Sergeant
Lewis in Inspector Morse:
(Music finishes playing in car).
Was it from Cats? (Morse: No, it most certainly was not!) Wife
wants to see Cats, don't know why, she’s allergic to them.
TOP
Barry White
: US singer
There's people making babies to
my music. That's nice.
TOP
Katherine Whitehorn
: British
journalist/writer
The main purpose of children's
parties is to remind you that there are children more awful than your own.
TOP
Paul Whitehouse
: British comedian/actor
From
The Fast Show:
If you like cheese, if you
like peas, you'll love Cheezy Peaz. Whoa! You'd go
mad for these! NEW! Squeezy Cheezy Peaz! Tea's a breeze
with Squeezy Cheezy Peaz! So, come on, Mams! Make it easier!
Make it cheesier! Make it peazier! Make it s-q-u-e-e-zier!
With NEW Squeezy Cheezy Peaz! Available in traditional,
and now, new STRAWBERRY flavour!
As Ted: An’ there’s the usual
problem of the drainage in the lower field, sorr.
As
Ron Manager:
Mmm. Arr. Yes. Marvellous, isn't it?
You know, wasn't it? Cor! First half to die for, you know. Angles?
Through-balls? Popping up out of nowhere to slot it under the advancing
keeper's body? Phew! All skills learnt in the park? You know, small boys?
Jumpers for goalposts? Mmm? Ha! Secretly rolling the ball in dog's muck
and getting your friend to head it? Hmm? Enduring image, isn't it?
Enduring smell.
Ho, Gary Lineker, you know, isn't it?
Marvellous. You know, paragon of virtue, isn't it? You know, a-ha!
Unprecedented in the modern game. Never been booked! Wasn't
he? Ha! You know, excellent TV pundit. Crisp thief?
A-ha-ha-ha-ha! Rarely wears a tie, but still remains a marvellous
ambassador for the game, you know. Er, nice man, nice face, boyish
charm with a hint of grey at the temples, but can you imagine that face
contorted in the throes of sexual ecstasy?
As Rowley Birkin QC:
...and I said to him the other day,
"Johnny!"..."Johnny Ludlow!"...har!... terrible flatulence...d'you
see?...the whole thing was made completely out of rubber!...in
fact, we had to communicate the whole time with sign language...a rather
striking moustache...wow! you see?...you know you can
actually drive one of those cars on three wheels?...huh! I'm
afraid I was very drunk. That was Johnny Ludlow.
As Chris the Crafty Cockney:
'allo, ladies. Awight? 'aaz it goin'? Yeah,
er, can I int'rest you in any perfume? 'ave a look at 'at. Go on. Look.
None of it's dodgy. It's all kosher. It's all pukkah. It's
all nicked! Yeah, I'll nick anything, I will. Know what I mean? I'm
a little bit whee a little bit whoo. Swish-swish-
swish! A little bit wa-hay. Careful. Know what I mean?
Hello darlin'. Hello there - how's it
goin'? Yeah, I've just come to nick your computer. I'll just nick it -
y'know what I mean? I'll nick anything, I will. Yeah, I'm a little bit
dodgy - y'know what I mean? I'm a geezer. I'm a little bit wooah,
a little bit swish-swish-swish-swish. D'you know what I mean? I'm
out, it's gone. Yeah, in the back o' my van, prob'ly. Oh, you're usin' it
at the moment, are ya? Tell ya what, what time d'you go to lunch? About
one o'clock? I'll come back then, if you like, yeah? D'you tend to lock
up, or d'you leave it open? Only, if you leave it open it'd be a lot
easier for me. You lock up, an' I'll 'ave to smash me way in, y'know,
you'll 'ave to get a chippy in - an' that could take a couple o' weeks,
couldn't it? Yeah, all right then, just me an' you, all right darlin'?
I'll go nick summink else in the mean time. See ya later.
TOP
Richard
Whiteley : TV journalist/host of Countdown
(On Carol Vorderman) She's got two consonants
and a vowel, I've got two vowels and a consonant, but vowels are more
useful.
TOP
June Whitfield
: British actress
As June in
Absolutely Fabulous:
(Eddie: Inside of me there is a
thin person screaming to get out.) Just the
one, dear?
TOP
A. Whitney Brown
: US
humorist/commentator
I am
not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate
plants.
There are a billion people in China. It's
not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people.
Think of it. More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a
one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like
you.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you
fail no one is laughing at you.
TOP
Oscar Wilde :
Irish dramatist/novelist/poet
A true friend stabs you in the front.
Experience is the name every one gives to
their mistakes.
There is only one thing in life worse than
being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys
them more.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
I have nothing to declare but my genius.
Biography lends to death a new terror.
I am not young enough to know everything.
I think that God in creating Man somewhat
overestimated his ability.
It is better to have a permanent income
than to be fascinating.
He hadn’t a single redeeming vice.
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Monogamy is the same.
The English country gentleman galloping
after a fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
Murder is always a
mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after
dinner.
Fashion is what one wears oneself. What is
unfashionable is what other people wear.
And his dying words:
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
TOP
Billy Wilder
: US (Austrian-born) film director
Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to
win the foreign film award.
Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.
Said to Cliff Osmond:
You have Van Gogh’s ear for music.
TOP
Kenneth Williams
: British comedy
actor
As
Ramblin’ Syd Rumpo:
Girdle
your grummits, rollock your fussits, tether your nadgers and plight your
cordwangle.
In
Carry On Sergeant:
(Sergeant:
Your rank?) Well, that's a matter of opinion.
TOP
From
The Fast Show:
I’ll get me coat.
As Patrick Nice:
...and I was rummaging around in the attic
and I found the original copy of the Bible. Which was nice.
...and on the way back from the cove -
within a hundred yards of each other - we saw Stevie Nicks and
Helena Bonham Carter. So we gave them both a lift on the back of the
tractor. Which was nice.
...and the same six numbers came up
for us again the following week. So that was another three million
pounds. Which was nice.
...and then - at the very last moment - I
let go of the 747's undercarriage, and dropped on to the roof of the
chasing police car - still holding the uranium. Which was nice.
Louise and I met at university. And it
really was love at first sight. And we couldn't wait to get married.
And then children just sort of happened. And we've been really
lucky. I mean, we're still friends and lovers - even after fifteen
years. (Slight pause). And last Tuesday, Louise had her first orgasm.
Which was nice.
...and yea, all the prophecies were
fulfilled. And verily black was white. And all the rivers of the
world ran with milk and honey and wine. And green were the
valleys. (Slight pause). And the Seraphim, Lord of the Allahim and the
Nazarim on high... and death, and war, and pestilence,
and famine, and hypocrisy, and envy - and greed
were banished. For all eternity. (Slight pause). Which was nice.
So I was rummaging around in the attic. And
I found the original Crown Jewels! Which was nice.
As Jesse:
This week I are been mostly eatin’ ….
Bourbon biscuits.
This week I are been mostly eatin’ ….
chipolatas.
This week I are been mostly eatin’ ….
raspberry pop tarts.
This week I are been mostly eatin’ ….
acorns.
This week I are been bulimic.
This week I are been mostly eatin’ ….
Prozac.
This season, I'll be mostly wearin'...
taffeta, cut on the bias.
Today I are been mostly …. havin’ a coil
fitted.
TOP
Robbie Williams
: British pop
singer/songwriter
On the strangest thing he’s
ever received from a fan: Herpes.
I can't take myself seriously because what
I do is very silly. It's not brain surgery that I'm doing, it's just about
picking up a guitar and writing a song and expressing what you want to say
and it doesn't make you Einstein.
You'll do
anything for your 15 minutes of fame. Dead right. I'd sign anything, I'll
do anything, I'd climb the Eiffel Tower in a pair of Y-fronts with 'Shit
on me, seagulls' written on my back.
I am the only man who can say
he's been in Take That and at least 2 members of the Spice Girls.
I show off - I'm a very good show off. It's
what I do, it's what I'm good at. I'm not Leonard Cohen, I'm an
entertainer. And that's all I've got and I think that's great what I've
got. But if I'm gonna do this entertaining thing I might as well be the
best at it.
I've given myself a hard time thinking
about my lyrics. I thought they were shit. Just about fit
enough to be on the inside of greeting cards.
TOP
Robin Williams
: US comedian/actor
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word
meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're
making too much money.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have
wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because
her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never
drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
We had gay burglars the other night. They
broke in and rearranged the furniture.
See, the problem is that God gives men a
brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
If you remember the 60's, you weren't
there.
Don't pick a fight with an ugly person -
they've got nothing to lose.
Referring to his own body hair:
I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their
cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"
Tom Watts once said, "maybe there is no
devil; it’s just God when he's drunk." If God drinks, do you think God
gets stoned once in a while? Look at the Platypus. I think so. God's up
there going, [toke] "Okay, let's take a beaver okay let's put on a ducks
bill…. Hey, I'm God, what are you gonna do?"
Carpe per diem - Seize the cheque.
TOP
Bruce Willis
: US actor
There are, I think, three countries left in
the world where I can go and I'm not as well-known as I am here. I'm a
pretty big star, folks - I don't have to tell you. Superstar, I guess you
could say.
On the one hand, we'll never experience
childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
TOP
Richard Wilson
: British actor
As Victor
Meldrew in One Foot In The Grave:
What language are you talking
in now? It appears to be Bollocks.
TOP
Walter Winchell
: US journalist
Referring to a show
starring Earl Carroll: I saw it at a
disadvantage – the curtain was up.
TOP
Oprah Winfrey
: US talk show
host/actress/producer
You can have it all. You just
can’t have it all at once.
TOP
Kate Winslet
: British actress
On Titanic co-star Leonardo
DiCaprio: He's probably the world's most
beautiful looking man, yet he doesn't think he's that gorgeous. And to me,
he's just smelly, farty Leo.
On being pregnant:
Bits of me began to resemble odd vegetables. My backside looked quite like
a cauliflower.
There's more to life than cheek bones.
TOP
Lizz Winstead
: US comedienne/writer
I
think - therefore I'm single.
TOP
On how he landed the part of Carlin in ‘Scum’:
I went to the audition for a laugh and
got the part for the way I walked down the corridor. There's no justice is
there?"
TOP
Shelley Winters
: US actress
We had a lot in common. I loved
him and he loved him.
TOP
Ronnie Wood
: British guitarist/singer/songwriter with The Rolling
Stones/also an artist
Referring to Rod Stewart:
He's tighter than two coats of paint.
TOP
Victoria Wood
: British
comedienne/writer/actress
In response to “How was the actual
birth?” I'm not sure, I
wasn't there - something came up at the studios and they had to start the
labour without me. But the baby was faxed through as soon as possible and
of course I was delighted with her. She has completely changed my life. I
now spend every Thursday afternoon between three and four with her,
whereas of course previously I would have gone swimming.
I have known actresses be in this game
for ten years and not even be able to afford a really big conservatory at
the end of it. Too many of my friends have struggled along with only one
car and a secondhand Range Rover and I don't want Grace to have to live
that way. What we envisage for Grace is to get her into a good
high-security boarding playgroup, one with an emphasis on vocational
training, perhaps slanted towards mine work or chimney cleaning, and meet
up with her in eighteen years or so to hear how it all went.
In response to
“Any more babies planned?”
Derek and I have talked about it. But at 29 I think shopping for
maternity clothes could be medically dangerous, and Derek feels the money
would be better spent on a jacuzzi-style bath enhancer. What I may do is
pop over to Rumania or Brazil and bring back something small and
disadvantaged. Brazilian babies in particular interest me, as we would be
able to keep the kitchen door locked and have them limbo through the
catflap.
For years I was an undiagnosed anorexic,
suffering from a little-known variant of the disease, where, freakishly,
the appetite turns in on itself and demands more and more food, forcing
the sufferer to gain several stones in weight and wear men's V-necked
pullovers. My condition has stabilised now, but I can never stray too far
from cocoa-based products and I keep a small cracknel-type candy in my
brassičre at all times. Fortunately, I wear a "D" cup so there is plenty
of room for sweetmeats …..
When asked if she was a hobby
person: I'm hoping to cool off work-wise in the
not too distant future, and then I have firm plans to radically improve
several of our household trays by sticking outdated stamps on them in a
random and fun pattern.
Geoff and I are twin souls. We believe we
have met in a previous existence. Hypnotherapy sessions have led us to the
astonishing conclusion that Geoff was Queen Victoria's chief
lady-in-waiting and I was a porter employed by the Great Western Railway.
It is this belief that keeps an undertow of physical excitement in our
connubial union. Plus we are both fond of chips.
On the physical ailments that come
with middle age: We've only got one fully
operating leg between us.
From being an insecure, tense 'woman in
comedy', I am now a successful society hostess, entertaining my husband's
business clients on a regular basis, often without him knowing anything
about it. But even though my busy life is now crammed with high-impact
aerobic sessions, psychotherapy and in-depth aerobic sessions, I still
manage to stuff in a few minutes’ daily sympathy for those less fortunate
than myself. In fact, I've written a few songs for them. I can only hope,
that in a rather small way, my ditties and sallies are going some distance
towards alleviating world poverty, unemployment and the misery of cashmere
allergy.
Describing one-time collaborator
Julie Walters: ….. the lady with the split
ends.
I know I've got a degree. Why does that
mean … I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a life-saving
certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with
my pyjamas on.
Sexual harassment at
work -- is it a problem for the self-employed?
Here's my ID. Yes, I do look rather
startled. It was taken in a photo booth and someone had just poked an
éclair through the curtain
As Miss Berta in Acorn
Antiques:
Is he - dead? (Mrs
Overall: Well, put it this way, Miss Berta, I needn't
have bothered rinsing out the extra mug). No, Clifford will never
touch your macaroons again!
From her tv &
live shows:
Is it on the trolley?
You know I used to say in my act when I was
younger that I knew I was getting old because I walked past a display of
Dr Scholl sandals and thought "They look comfy". Well now I walk past
them and think "Oh no too modern ….”
All my friends started getting boyfriends
... but I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro ...
Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink
champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose
chippings on the A597...
In my day we didn't have sex education, we
just picked up what we could off the television ... and as far as I was
concerned, if Pinky and Perky didn't do it, I didn't want to know about it
...
I mean I've got one …. I've got a huge roll
of fat around here which I never worry about unless sometimes I think if I
fell in a canal would anyone bother to throw me a life belt?
It's so posh where I live, our lollipop
lady is Kiri Te Kanawa ...
Claire Rayner is so nice and sympathetic
and understanding, you just want to smack her in the face with a broccoli
quiche .…
I looked up the symptoms of pregnancy ...
moody, irritable, big bosoms ... I've obviously been pregnant for
thirty-six years .…
I once went to one of those parties where
everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room .… I don't know
who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years .…
A family Christmas is a bit like being in
Intensive Care only not so relaxing ....
Hello, you are through to Washing Machine
World. You are being held in a queue. Please press for your choice of
relaxing listening. Press one for The Blue Danube, two for The Cuckoo
Waltz, three for Tommy Steele having a crack at Phantom of the Opera .....
So you and Derek weren’t having an affair
after all? (Trixie: Oh, no. He was just lying on top of me to get
the creases out of my negligee). I knew there must be a perfectly
reasonable explanation.
TOP
Tiger Woods
: US golfer
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball
is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black
pimps.
TOP
Virginia Woolf
: British novelist
Nothing induces me to read a novel except
when I have to make money by writing about it. I detest them.
TOP
Anthony Worrall Thompson
: British celebrity
chef
On fellow cookery expert
Delia Smith:
I call her
the Volvo of cookery teachers - Miss Side Impact Bar.
TOP
Steve Wright
: US comedian
I went down the street to the 24-hour
grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said,
"Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a
row."
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for
Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it,
but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got
the time.
If a word in the dictionary were
misspelled, how would we know?
You can’t have everything; where would you
put it?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave
back?
I broke both my arms trying to hold open a
revolving door for a woman.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to
science fiction
If someone with multiple personalities
threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
