Bill Tarmey : British actor
As Jack Duckworth in
Coronation Street:
My mother-in-law! If she lived in India,
she’d be sacred. She’s like Boris Karloff after a busy night at the
graveyard.
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Catherine Tate :
British comedienne
I have the taste of a gay man and adore musicals.
I'll go and see any old rubbish as long as it's got song and dance.
Les Miserables is my favourite. I can sing along to it in French or
English. It's impressive, but not really useful.
I love babies. Cuddly, lovely, chubby babies - and
now I've got one of my own, my cup runneth over. Before my daughter
Erin was born I was one of those mad grinning ladies staring at babies in
the supermarket - and when Erin's not with me, I still am.
I love astrologer Jonathan Cainer. I ring his phone
line twice a week and he's always spot on with me and three million other
Taureans. But I know it's MY soul he's looking into.
I love Thierry Henry. There's been a mix up somewhere
along the way - by rights he should be mine. I saw him once when I
was trying on wigs in Selfridges and he saw me with one of those really
unattractive nylon skull caps on. Had there ever been a chance he'd
leave his wife for me, it was blown at that moment.
From her tv show:
As Lauren:
Am I bovvered though? Does my face look bovvered?
Are you calling me a pikey?
Are you disrespecting my family? (Teacher: I
didn't mention your family). Are you ignoring my family?
(Slagging off her teacher's Jesus sandals):
Are you a Christian, miss? Is the Lord your shepherd, miss? Have you
got Jesus in your heart, miss? Do you like Cliff Richard, miss? Are you
the Vicar of Dibley, miss? Are we your flock, miss? Have you got a friend
in Jesus, miss? Does he want you for a sunbeam, miss?
I don't give, Miss, I just don't give.
As Nan:
(In the Pound shop): What a load of old shit!
(In the Pound shop): They
come in packs of three? I could do with four!
In fact you can take the crumble, take the old gals, take
yer sister, take the fella with the wonky eye, and shove the whole fackin'
lot of em up yer arse and piss off! (Grandson: Nan, stop it).
Ahh fackin' chill owwwwwt!
I aaaaam what Iiiiiii aaaaaam.
He used to come raand in his cowboy outfit ... shoulda kept
it on.
What a FACKING liberty! Fifty paaaand? He weren't even 'ere
five minutes! (Grandson: You did offer it him, Nan). He
nearly took me bloody hand off!
As the office worker:
I've taken up running. (Colleague: Oh really? Well
done! Actually, can I just finish this...?) Have a guess how
many miles I ran this morning! (Colleague: Oh, haven't a clue!) Go
on, guess. (C: I really don't know!) Just guess! Say
anything. (C: You know I'm awful at this!) Doesn't
matter, guess! How many miles did I run? (C: Fifty?)
(Looking mortified): FIFTY MILES?! I said run, not drive! (C:
Thirty?) What?! (C: Oh... five!) Eight!!
(C: Oh well done, anything's brilliant isn't it?!) It's eight
more than you could do, you fat lazy bitch.
As the screaming woman:
(Husband turns page of newspaper)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Christ, it's like Piccadilly Circus in here!
As Derek Faye:
How very dare you!
Gay, dear? Who dear? Me, dear? No dear!
Just 'cause I haven't found the right girl yet you assume I take it up the
'arris.
As the Essex wife:
I'm screaming like a witch & Kerry's got strawberry mini
milk streamin' aht her nose. It. Was. BEDLAM!
Elizabeth Taylor
: US actress
Big girls need big diamonds.
Some of my best leading men
have been dogs and horses.
I really don't remember much about
Cleopatra. There were a lot of other things going on.
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
I don't pretend to be an ordinary
housewife.
I've only slept with men I've been married
to. How many women can make that claim?
The problem with people who have no vices
is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty
annoying virtues.
My mother says I didn't open my eyes for
eight days after I was born, but when I did, the first thing I saw was an
engagement ring. I was hooked.
TOP
James Taylor
: US
singer/songwriter
When asked why he got into music: I
wanted to perform, I wanted to write songs, and I wanted to get lots of
chicks.
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Shirley Temple : US actress/singer
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my
mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my
autograph.
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I don't know what I would do without Whitelaw. Everyone
should have a Willy.
In politics, if you want anything said, ask
a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I
get my own way in the end.
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John Thaw : British actor
As Jack Regan in The Sweeney:
I'll tell you this: having his head cut off
hasn't helped identification.
As Morse in Inspector Morse:
Now are you going to save us a lot of time
and trouble, Mr. Downes, and confess or are you going to be a burden on
the tax payer?
Do you ever think of the person who
designed the sports skirt? Someone sat down, drew a fantasy and made it
compulsory. I can never watch Wimbledon without thanking him.
(Strange: Got a temperature?)
Everybody has a temperature.
TOP
The Artist Formerly Known As Prince
: US musician/singer/songwriter/actor
Michael Jackson's album was only called
"Bad" because there wasn't enough room on the sleeve for "Pathetic."
TOP
Jamie Theakston
: British tv
presenter/actor
I have an Imelda Marcos-sized trainer
collection. It’s very difficult buing clothes because I have very long
limbs. I drag my arms along the floor, Neanderthal-style.
TOP
Joe Theisman : US quarterback &
sports analyst
See the
OOPS! page.
TOP
Dave Thomas : Canadian
comedian/actor/writer
In the beginning there was nothing and God
said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could
see it.
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Dylan Thomas : British poet/author
Someone’s boring me. I think
it’s me.
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Emma Thompson : British actress
On the English:
We're soft, pink and runty little island
people.
I wasn’t
offered the Sharon Stone part in Basic Instinct. I would have
looked like a fruit stall in tights. I really couldn’t have done the
gusset thing like she did.
As far as
I can see, from Sharon Stone's love scene in Basic Instinct, they
molded her body out of tough Plasticine. She was shagging Michael Douglas
like a donkey, and not an inch moved. If that had been me, there would
have been things flying around hitting me in the eye.
On
ex-husband Kenneth Branagh:
Ken is so tired his sperm are on crutches.
TOP
Hunter S. Thompson
: US
journalist/author
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol,
violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
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John Thomson : British
actor/comedian
From The Fast Show:
Hello, and welcome to Jazz Club. Nice.
The jazz world was rocked - or, rather, jazzed - to its very core
this week, by the death of Smoke Stacksman. Better known in jazz circles,
of course, as Trevor Worthington. Tragedy.
As Ken in Men Behaving Badly:
Then the brewery decided to recreate the
Crown exactly as it was so I found an old black and white photograph of
the pub before the war. (Tony: What was it like?) Oh, It was
terrible apparantly, urm, lots of people got killed.
As Bernard Righton:
Laughter is the best medicine,
unless you're an asthmatic: then its Ventolin.
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James Thurber : US humorist
Remarking on a play: It
had only one fault. It was kind of lousy.
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Justin Timberlake :
US pop singer/songwriter, formerly of NSync.
I'm the cute one.
These pants are so tight I
feel like I am having sex with myself.
Good thing we can sing,
cuz we sure can't talk.
I talk in my sleep a lot.
My mom used to laugh at me because when she wanted to find out something
about me, she'd come in while I was sleeping and start talking to me.
I have 20,000 girlfriends - all around the world.
Alan Titchmarsh : British tv/radio
gardening broadcaster/author/novelist
I am partly to blame for the decking boom,
and I am sorry, I know it’s everywhere these days.
On ‘Have I Got News For You’ when Angus
Deayton asked if cannabis was a weed: Well, a weed is only any plant
growing out of place, so in your garden, probably not.
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Lily Tomlin : US actress/comedienne
I
worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something
else.
Things
are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't
cope with drugs.
The trouble with the rat race is that even
if you win, you're still a rat.
There's so much plastic in this culture
that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
Being a New Yorker means never having to
say you're sorry.
New York is always knowing where your purse is.
Wouldn't it be great of we all grew up to be what we wanted to be? The
world would be full of nurses, firemen and ballerinas.
Have you ever actually seen someone laughing all the way to the bank?
They should pair off all the people who talk to themselves so they look
like they're having conversations.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep
need to complain.
No matter how cynical you get, it is
impossible to keep up.
Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this
country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy
two percent that get all the publicity. But then we elected them.
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
TOP
Ricky Tomlinson
: British actor
As Jim in The
Royle Family:
Referring to Richard Branson: You
can’t get as rich as he is without being as tight as a camel’s arse in a
sandstorm, can you? He wouldn’t give you the steam off his piss, that
fella.
Right, where's me newspaper?
I'm off to the khazi to try for a little baby of me own.
(Denise: Dad! Your flies
are undone!)
Ah, the cage may be open but the beast is asleep.
(Nanna, heading for the
toilet: I'd like to take "The People" and "The News of the World", and,
ooh, what's that free newspaper? I like looking at that).
Bloody hell Norma, how constipated are you? You've got half of Fleet
Street under that arm.
Watching “Changing Rooms” on the
tv: i don't
believe it. Look at old Nancy boy, tie-dyeing the neighbours’ curtains.
I'm glad we don't pay our tv licence, that's all I can say.
..... and he's still got ginger bollocks.
(Barb: That reminds me I've some oranges if some one wants one).
How does your mind work Barb?
The trouble with me, lad, is I'm too easy
bloody going. She walks
all over me. I mean the day she does work in the bakery it can be half
seven, quarter to eight before my tea's ready. But i don't say nothing. I
just get on with it.
(Barb, looking in the
mirror: Do you know i am looking my age. Just this last few months it's
crept up on me. Mind you, it could be worse, at least i've still got my
schoolgirl figure).
I must clean that mirror.
(Denise, referring to her
mum’s upset mood: It's all your fault. She's on the change, she might walk
out in front of a lorry and get run over).
Well, we can always put a claim in.
Checking the phone bill:
Ninety-eight
quid . . . It's good to talk, my arse! . . . 929 1246, whose number is
that? (Barb: It's Mary) Mary! You've been ringing Mary next door?
If you shouted she could hear you.
Two pound fifty phoning next
door …. she's in and out all day like a bloody yoyo. I'll put a serving
hatch in.
Two pound fifty …. good job
she's cured her stutter.
(Anthony: ‘ey dad, where
were you when Kennedy was shot? Everyone's supposed to know).
(Feigning shock) Kennedy was shot! …. I don't know but wherever it was
there's a good chance our immersion was on.
How can you be bothered about
me picking my nose with all the troubles you've got? (Barb: haven't you
got a hanky?) What, in my pyjamas? There's barely enough room for my
tackle.
You can't have a decent shit
in this house. I'll bake it 'til she's gone.
You are the apple in my eye. That's why I
married you. It certainly wasn't for your cooking.
(When Denise suggests they
should all go on Family Fortunes):
What! Most of these families are thick as pigshit. Les Dennis is no
bloody better - if you put his brains in a bloody hazelnut they'd still
rattle. Hey, remember that time when they said they'd asked a hundred
people to name something green …. and the old woman who was the contestant
said her cardigan.
(Barb, responding to Mary
complimenting her on her camera: It's from Argos …. we got that for ….
what did we get that for,Jim?)
For taking bloody photographs.
Referring to the
astrologer, Russell Grant: He’s as camp as Christmas. (Denise:
What if he is?) He's someone fine to talk about uranus.
TOP
Paul
Tonkinson
: British comedian
People from Yorkshire are very proud of
their underachievement. You see these old fellas in the pub going: 'I've
had a great life, me. Gone nowhere. Done fuck all. Aye.'
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Faye Tozer : British pop singer,
formerly of Steps
I thought we'd be over by now, but we keep
ramming it down peoples' throats, and they keep buying it.
TOP
Spencer Tracy : US actor
On Katherine Hepburn: Not much meat
on her, but what's there is choice.
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John Travolta : US actor
In three movies I was overweight. And they
all made 100 million, so I knew people weren’t coming to see my body.
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Lee Trevino : US golfer
My family was so poor the lady next door
gave birth to me.
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Calvin Trillin : US
author/journalist
The
most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the
family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
TOP
Chris Turner : British
football manager
See the
OOPS! page.
TOP
Mark Twain : US
humorist/novelist/short story author
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in
the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
On Henry James: Once you've put one
of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.
Get
your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Be careful about reading health books. You
may die of a misprint.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a
living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Few things are harder to put up with than
the annoyance of a good example.
I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man
should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand
and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
There is nothing so annoying as to have two
people talking when you're busy interrupting.
TOP
Liv Tyler : US actress
The age I'm at now, you go from being a
young girl to suddenly you blossom into a woman. You ripen, you know? And
then you start to rot.
TOP
Steven Tyler : US
vocalist/songwriter with the rock band Aerosmith
We believed that anything worth doing was
worth overdoing.
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