Françoise Sagan : French author
I like men to behave like men - strong and
childish.
TOP
J D
Salinger : US
novelist/short story author
I am a
kind of paranoic in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me
happy.
TOP
Betsy Salkind : US
comedienne
When I tell people I'm a comedian they say,
"Oh, are you funny?" I say, "No, it's not that kind of comedy.
TOP
Susan Sarandon : US actress
As Thelma in Thelma & Louise:
You shoot off a guy's head with his pants
down, believe me, Texas is not the place you want to get caught.
TOP
Jean-Paul Sartre : French
philosopher/novelist/dramatist
Three o'clock is always too late or too
early for anything you want to do.
TOP
Jennifer Saunders
: British
actress/comedienne
Nice outfit by the way.
(Ruby Wax: What size is yours?) Tall and womanly.
As Eddie in Absolutely Fabulous:
You can't give these sort of clothes to the
poor. Haven't they got enough to contend with without the added
humiliation of wearing last season.
Had two husbands, one was too short one was
gay. Still sweetie, if you want to know how to peck a dwarf on the cheek
as he's walking out of the house to the disco in your dress, then I'm your
girl.
Discussing adoption: I would be
quite a bit like Mia Farrow. I could have more than one. I mean I always
regretted not getting a Vietnamese one, when that was the thing. I could
get one in every colour...one in every room.
I like these here ... these shoes. And the
televisions ... I like this. And I also want one of those blood-heads, you
know, those frozen blood-heads filled with blood. Anything that's in the
Saatchi collection, I want things like that, alright. I also want ....
everything. Alright? Everything. It all looks like bollocks, so it must be
worth something.
No no, I'm not drinking, I'm not bloody
drinking. (Patsy: What shall you drink then?) I shall drink water
.... it's a mixer Patsy, we have it with whiskey.
In the Sixties, we were too stoned to jog;
in the Seventies we had platform shoes, and in the Eighties ... I can't
remember what happened in the Eighties.
She's been to a clinic darling, they didn't
have enough room for all the toxic waste they pumped out of her. Even
Japan refused to take it.
TOP
Jimmy Saville
: British ex-DJ
and TV presenter
On hearing that a scarecrow
modelled on him was to appear in Tate Britain:
I have been scaring birds away for years.
It's a great relief to have my talent officially recognised.
TOP
My sisters and I jump at the chance of
taking the mickey out of Dad, because he still can't say certain English
words. He says, "That's the way the cuckoo crumbles." And, "Are you going
to Sasonberries?" "Sainsbury's, Dad" we say.
As Saffy in Absolutely Fabulous:
Where's Patsy? (Eddie: She went into
the shop with all the dried-up things.) Well, she should feel at
home, then.
(Eddie: She's very good at genetics).
She should be, she's been a walking sperm bank all her life.
(Eddie: God, I hope you're not inviting
that bloody, bollocky, selfish, two-faced, chicken bastard, pig-dog man,
are you?) You could just say 'Dad'.
(Eddie: Saffy Look at Mummy, look at me.
Do I need surgery?) Yes, have your mouth sewn up.
(Eddie:
I did tell you the facts of life didn't I sweetie?)
If you mean that time you sat on my bed and shook me awake at
2:00 in the morning, stoned out of your brain, and slurred into my ear 'By
the way sweetie, people have it off,' then yes, you told me the facts of
life.
TOP
Alexei Sayle
: British comedian/writer
Americans have different ways of saying
things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we
say "stupid psychopathic git”.
Describing himself: …. a moody kind
of Northern oik.
TOP
Prunella Scales : British actress
As Sybil Fawlty
in Fawlty Towers:
Oh, and Basil, one more thing: If you're
going to grope a girl, have the gallantry to stay in the room with her
while you're doing it.
Do you really believe in your wildest
dreams that a girl like this could possibly be interested in an aging,
Brilliantine, stick-insect like yourself?
TOP
Claudia Schiffer : German model
See the
OOPS!
page.
TOP
On kissing
Jennifer Aniston: It's a job - someone's gotta do it. The reality is
- Jennifer and I can do our job well because we truly are friends. But
when the day's over, she goes home to her boyfriend and I go home to a
magazine.
As Ross Geller in Friends:
To Rachel: You're over me? When
were you, under me?
(Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living
room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have
dreams. I don't have a dream). Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a
Dream" speech.
I think I speak for everyone when I
say (slams door in Paulo's face).
(Rachel: Okay, you'd tell
me the truth, right?)
Rach, you can't look fat in an x-ray.
Okay, I have a problem I have to go into
work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display.
(Joey: What did they do?) Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien'
for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, let's just leave it at
that.
(Russ: You're jealous because I'm a real
doctor). Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part
you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma.
Are you guys sure you want to play for
money? Phoebe just threw away a pair of Jacks because they didn't look
happy ….
I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It
was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were
different characters, plot lines, themes, a motif. At one point there were
villagers ....
You know what? She'd love this. Uh, it's an
exact replica of Apollo 8. I made it in the sixth grade. (Chandler:
Yeah, I guess I could use that. I could say that "your love sends me to
the moon”). Yeah, yeah, except Apollo 8 didn't actually land on the
moon. But you... you could write that, umm, "your love lets me orbit the
moon twice and return safely."
See, once you know the stories, it's not
that bad. First marriage: wife's hidden sexuality. Not my fault. Second
marriage: said the wrong name at the altar. A little my fault. Third
marriage: well, they really shouldn't allow you to get married when you're
that drunk and have writing all over your face. Nevada's fault.
I grew up in a house with Monica, okay? If you didn't
eat fast, you didn't eat.
TOP
Charles M Schultz : US
cartoonist/creator of Peanuts
Just
remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
TOP
Barbara Seaman : US
science writer/journalist
Condoms should be marketed in three sizes - jumbo, colossal and super
colossal, so that men don’t have to go in and ask for the small.
TOP
Jerry Seinfeld : US
comedian/tv actor
Let me ask you something--if someone's
lying, are their pants really on fire?
Where lipstick is concerned, the important
thing is not the color, but to accept God's final decision on where your
lips end.
It's amazing that the amount of news that
happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care
what else is on TV.
Why
doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is
there only one Monopolies Commission?
Can
fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can
you be a closet claustrophobic?
If a
book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
What’s
another word for thesaurus?
If the
cops arrest a mime artist, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
When
it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five
hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for
them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not
much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on, buddy, let's
go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off.
I've got the toe clippers right here.”
Now why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't
cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the
farmhouse and say, 'Let us in! We're all wearing leather!'"
Now they show you how detergents take out
bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt
with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest
problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
There's very little advice in men's
magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women
do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me
somebody naked."
I had a lot of toys as a kid. The best toy
is something you get on your own, like a cardboard box. Five years old,
you get boxes like the ones refrigerators come in. When you are five years
old, that's the closest you get to having your own apartment.
TOP
Monica Seles : US (Serbian-born)
tennis player
It's a drag having to wear socks during
matches, because the tan, like, stops at the ankles. I can never get my
skin, like, color coordinated.
TOP
Peter Sellers
: British
comedian/actor
There is no me. I do not
exist. There used to be a me but I had it surgically removed.
On the subject of cricket: Is there
any sex in it?
As Inspector Clouseau in the Pink
Panther films:
In response to Francois’s “Do you know
what kind of a bomb it was?” The exploding kind.
What is the price of one piano compared to
the terrible crime that's been committed here. (But that's a priceless
Steinway!) Not anymore!
Do you have a REUM?
Do you have a massage for me?
To Kato after he’s knocksed him
unconscious: Relax, I'll get it.
I am here to fix the problem with yer
pheaun.
(Your jacket!) Yes, I kneaw it iz my
jacket. (No... It's on fire!)
What do we know.. ONE.. That the professor
and his daughter have been kidnapped
TWO... That someone has kid-nap-ped them and THREE..... MY HAND IS ON
FIRE!!!
I'LL stand on YOUR shoulders. (Kato:
Why?) Because I'm taller than you are - you foowl!
TOP
Ronnie Shakes : US comedian
My doctor gave me two weeks to
live. I hope they're in August.
After twelve years of therapy
my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No
hablo ingles.”
I like life. It's something to
do.
A lot of people wonder how you know if
you're really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: 'Would I mind
being destroyed financially by this person?’
I was going to buy a copy of
The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good
would that do?
Where there's a will there's a dead person.
As a teenager I just wanted to fit in, just
to be one of the boys. It was tough. I went to an all black school. I went
so far as to have them print my negative in the yearbook. I think it was
the black teeth that gave me away.
One question on hospital admittance forms
really gets me. "Sex: Male or Female?" Do I want to be in a hospital where
they can't tell the difference?
The Pope is very predictable. I saw a
headline once, POPE DENOUNCES FALKLAND WAR. No kidding. I'd like to see a
headline, POPE LOSES CHURCH IN POKER GAME. VATICAN MOVED TO ATLANTIC CITY.
I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate
there was a listing for Probable Cause.
I fear that one day I'll meet God, he'll
sneeze, and I won't know what to say.
TOP
Tom Shales : US tv & film
critic/writer
Referring to Farrah Fawcett-Majors:
Maybe it's the hair. Maybe it's the teeth. Maybe it's the intellect. No,
it's the hair.
TOP
I have such poor vision I can
date anybody.
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs
except over the phone to people I don't know.
I once made love for an
hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.
My friends tell me I have an intimacy
problem. But they don't really know me.
(Artie: Hello oh great one).
Are you talking to me or my ass?
TOP
Bill Shankly : British football
manager
Some people think football is a matter of
life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.
TOP
William Shatner : Canadian actor
On Captain Kirk: We were
basically one and the same, although Jim was just about perfect, and, of
course, I am perfect.
When Leonard managed to flub a line about
"the heart of the nebulae" into "the liver of the nebulae," I lost
all sense of control, giggling all over the bridge and spouting back, "The
'liver'? You must be kidneying. You've got the guts to say that to me?”
TOP
George Bernard Shaw : Irish
playwright/essayist/critic
Those who can, do.
Those who can't, teach.
Silence is the most perfect
expression of scorn.
TOP
Tracy Shaw : British actress (Maxine
Peacock in Coronation Street)
Referring to her holiday in Morocco:
Someone offered 10 camels for me, which I thought was pretty good.
TOP
Claudia Shear : US
playwright/actress
Most of us would kill ourselves
if we were as talent-free as Elizabeth Hurley.
TOP
Harry Shearer : US
actor/director/writer
As Derek Smalls in
This Is Spinal Tap:
It's like fire and ice, basically. I feel
my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like
lukewarm water.
TOP
Charlie Sheen : US
actor/writer/producer
As Topper Harley in
Hot Shots:
You have the whitest
white-part-of-the-eyes I've ever seen. Do you floss?
Yeah? Well, keep it up, you'll be carrying
your face home in a doggie bag.
And in Hot Shots Part Deux:
These men have a supreme vow of
celibacy, like their fathers, and their fathers before them ….
TOP
Martin Sheen
: US actor
As President Bartlet in The West
Wing:
Responding to Jenna Jacobs’ “I don't say
homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President, the Bible does.” Yes,
it does. Leviticus. “18:22” Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask
you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling
my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a
Georgetown sophmore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when
it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about
that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working
on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I
morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police?
Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans
in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus
11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still
play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really
have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops
side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing
garments made from two different threads? Think about that, will you? Oh,
and one last thing. You may have mistaken this for your meeting of the
ignorant tight-asses club but in this building, when the President stands,
nobody sits.
TOP
Alan Shepherd : US astronaut
It's a very sobering feeling to be up in
space and realize that one's safety factor was determined by the lowest
bidder on a government contract.
TOP
Brooke Shields : US actress
See the
OOPS!
page.
TOP
Jimmy Shubert
: US comedian/actor
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But
men can fake whole relationships.
TOP
Alex Sibley : Contestant, Big
Brother 3 (UK)/Model
I’ve never been the most
masculine man. I don’t sit there scratching my nuts.
TOP
Bart Simpson : US cartoon character
Aren't we forgetting the true
meaning of this day? The birth of Santa.
Try not to move, Dad. You
swallowed a lot of motor oil.
I'm only 10 and I already have 2 mortal
enemies.
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of
colours before he invented the light bulb.
Soul? Come on, Milhouse, there's no such
thing as a soul! It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the
Boogie Man or Michael Jackson ….
Ah, the life of a frog. Thats the life for
me.
If you quit it'd be like an expert knot
tier quitting a knot tying contest right in the middle of trying a knot!
Part of this D-minus belongs to God.
Disemboweller 4, the game where condemned
criminals dig at each other with rusty hooks.
But who'd wanna hurt me? I'm this century’s
Dennis the Menace!
It's just so hard not to listen to TV ….
it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
You're turning me into a criminal when all
I wanna be is a petty thug.
Please don't make me stay dad! I'll do
anything you say! I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes!
So, you're one of those don't call me a
chick chicks eh?
TOP
Bobby Simpson : Australian cricket
coach
See the
OOPS!
page.
TOP
Homer Simpson : US cartoon character
Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters
are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and
one to listen.
What's
the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.
Donuts ... is there anything they can't do?
Stealing! How could you? Haven't you
learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain
whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you
to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody
laughin', did you?
(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I
present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please
give me no sign whatsoever ……..... thy bidding will be done (munch munch
munch).
It's
not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I
managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
Kids,
you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I saw this in a movie about a bus that had
to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED
dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't
Slow Down."
Maybe, just once, someone will call me
"sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't
strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the
American way.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
There, there, Bart. If something's hard,
then it's not worth doing.
Trust me Marge, with modern cars you can't
possibly get lost!
English? Who needs that? I'm never going to
England.
I wanna shake off the dust of this
one-horse town. I wanna explore the world! I wanna watch TV in a different
time zone! I wanna visit strange, exotic malls! I'm sick of eating
hoagies! I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero! I want to LIVE, Marge!
Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?!
A nuclear reactor is just like a woman, all
you have to do is read the manual and push the right buttons.
Homer no function beer well without.
In response to Marge’s “You aren't even
listening to me. You're only hearing what you want to hear.” Thanks
honey! I'd love a pork chop right about now!
Now, what is a wedding? Well, Webster's
Dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's
garden.
I would kill everyone in this room for a
drop of sweet beer.
Trying is the first step toward failure.
I just want to be alone
with my thought.
(TV Commercial: It's eleven o'clock. Do
you know where your children are?) I told you last night, NO!
No, no, let me finish. I just want you to
know I've always been proud of you. You're my greatest accomplishment and
you did it all yourself. You helped me understand my own wife better and
taught me to be a better person, but you're also my daughter, and I don't
think anybody could have had a better daughter than you— (Lisa: Dad,
you're babbling). See? You're still helping me.
TOP
Lisa Simpson : US cartoon character
We've only got nine, maybe ten years tops,
when we can giggle in church and chew with our mouths open and go days
without bathing. We'll never have that freedom again.
Oooh, a political discussion at our table.
I feel like a Kennedy!
Bart, having never recieved
any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to
sound. But here goes: I believe in you.
If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd
put them on in prime time.
Why do I get the feeling that someday I'll
be describing this to a psychiatrist?
TOP
Marge Simpson : US cartoon character
They need a good, stiff, all-purpose shoe.
Something for church, but also for doctor's appointments, dental checkups,
piano recitals, building dedications, visiting the elderly relatives,
haircuts, and shoe shopping.
There's no shame in being a
pariah.
I brought you a tuna sandwich.
They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so much dolphin in it,
and you know how smart they are.
Lisa, hello! How are you doing in England?
Remember an elevator is called a 'lift,' a mile is called a 'kilometre,'
and botulism is called 'steak and kidney pie’.
(Dr. Marvin Monroe: Tell me about your
husband, Marge). When we were dating, he was sweeter .... and more
romantic! And forty pounds thinner, and he had hair ... and he ate with
utensils.
You like Shake n' Bake. You used to put it
in your coffee.
You know, Fox turned into a
hard-core sex channel so gradually, I didn't even notice.
Homer, don't take this
personally, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning
this wedding.
Now if you'll excuse me I have some dust
that needs busting.
TOP
Frank Sinatra
: US singer
The best revenge is massive
success.
You only live once, and the way I live,
once is enough.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel
all day.
TOP
Frank Skinner
: British comedian/chat show host
I was watching Germany and I got up to make
a cup of tea. I bumped into the telly and Klinsmann fell over.
Oysters are horrible - it's like licking
phlegm off a tortoise.
A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an
animal that's surprised by it's own farts.
TOP
Slash : US lead
guitarist in Guns N' Roses
I once asked Axl why he left the 'e' off his name. He
started crying and said he thought he'd spelt it right.
TOP
Christian Slater
: US actor
If I make a move, like raise my eyebrows,
some critic says I'm doing Nicholson. What am I supposed to do, cut off my
eyebrows?
TOP
Tony Slattery : British
comedian/actor
I name this child Satan
…….. Stan! Stan!
TOP
Anna Nicole Smith : US model/reality
tv star
Referring to her son, Daniel: He wants to
be a computer game tester, but I say, “Please be a plastic surgeon so you
can help Momma through her later years.”
TOP
Linda Smith : British
comedian/broadcaster
"People
knock ASBOs, but you have to bear in mind they are the only
qualification some of these kids are going to get."
"I sort of
sympathize with them looking for weapons of mass destruction, because
I'm like that with scissors. Honestly, I just turn the house upside
down. Of course the difference is, I know I have got some
scissors."
About her
home town : "Erith isn't twinned with anywhere, but it does have a
suicide pact with Dagenham."
"The only
Tory anyone knows is Anne Widdecombe, and she's confused us all by going
blonde. I was watching Question Time thinking, blimey, Sue Barker's
slapped on a bit of weight."
Referring
to David Mellor : "The thinking woman's ugly fat bastard."
On Jesus
Christ, "We know he wasn't English because he wore sandals, but never
with socks."
"Laughter is the best
medicine, but that's not true if you've got facial injuries. Quite a
nasty setback."
"I don't do the lottery, which means I'm
marginally less likely to win than someone who does."
On Argos: "Home shopping plus a walk".
On Tim Henman : "He's the human equivalent
of beige".
"My favourite ever headline was WORKSHOP MAN
DIES OF NATURAL CAUSES."
"You see the Royal Family all there on the
balcony. There's twelve people and only about three different faces."
(To which Paul Merton added, ".... and one of those is a corgi."
When William Hague hosted Have I Got News
For You : "I know you. I've seen you before. Were you in Midsomer
Murders?"
"Mad Cow Disease was very class-centric. If
it had been a show pony it would have just been mildly eccentric."
"This is Prince Charles & Camilla. Or as I
like to think of them, Rod Hull & Emu."
"Piers Morgan who used to be editor of The
Mirror. He's got a whole new career now, as the bloke who used to be
editor of The Mirror."
