Jonathan Raban : British author
In an underdeveloped country don't drink
the water. In a developed country don't breathe the air.
TOP
Gilda Radner : US
comedienne
I base
most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
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David Randolph
: US
conductor/author/radio host/concert commentator
Parsifal is the kind of opera that starts
at six o'clock. After it has been going three hours, you look at your
watch and it says 6.20.
TOP
Jeanette Rankin
: US women's rights leader/pacifist/first
woman elected to Congress
You can no more win a war than you can win an
earthquake.
TOP
Esther Rantzen : British
broadcaster/journalist
I want to spend more time with my family,
but I'm not sure they want to spend more time with me.
TOP
As Cliff
in Cheers:
Boy, I guess it's true what they say, huh?
There's a fine line between gardening and madness.
TOP
Stephen Rea : Northern Irish actor
As Tony Costello in
Still Crazy:
If men are from Mars and women
are from Venus, then drummers are from Pluto.
TOP
Ronald Reagan : US President
They say hard work never hurt
anybody, but I figure why take the chance?
Politics is supposed be the second oldest
profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance
to the first.
See also the
OOPS! page.
TOP
Robert Redford : US actor/director
As a director, I
wouldn't like me as an actor. As an actor, I wouldn't like me as a
director.
TOP
Rex Reed
: US film critic
In Hollywood, if you don't have
happiness you send out for it.
TOP
Keanu Reeves : Canadian actor
I'm a meathead. I can't help it, man. You've got smart
people and you've got dumb people.
TOP
From Reeves & Mortimer:
D'you know, I put so much petrol in me car
the other day, I couldn't get in!
I don't know about you, but at about this
time of night, I like to place a small orange thing on the back of a
heron.
TOP
Jonny Regan : Contestant, Big
Brother 3 (UK)
Sandy was a boring old arsehole who had a
big, massive, ten-foot cucumber up his fucking arse. He wouldn’t know a
good time if it shit all over his head.
TOP
Burt Reynolds : US actor
My movies were the kind they show in prisons and
airplanes, because nobody can leave.
TOP
Julian Rhind-Tutt :
British actor
On his hair:
I have to have it like that to cover my big ears that look
like the FA cup.
Only a few people will ever know how
satisfying it is to push Steve Mangan's face into a bowl of cornflakes.
And then get to do it again and again and again. The only trouble
was by the end he started to smell quite sour because of the milk.
And no I certainly didn't set out to
create a character that was appealing to ladies, but the producer is a
very wise lady and had an eye on appealing to all sections of the
audience. A few very charming ladies down at my Dad's whist drive have
been very kind (average age 75-93).
Gryf Rhys-Jones : British
actor/comedian/director
Discussing a hermaphrodite waiter who
had got pregnant: I believe Cecil Parkinson is the father.
TOP
Now my body is really womanly - a little
too much so. It's something I can fall back on. When I don't know what
else to do, I stick my chest out.
TOP
Denise Richards : US actress
Doing love scenes is always awkward. I
mean, it's just not a normal thing to go to work and lay in bed with your
co-worker.
TOP
Keith Richards
: British
songwriter/lead guitarist with The
Rolling Stones
When I first met Muddy Waters he was
painting the bloody ceiling.
There's an excellent book I've quite often read called "Hashish", by a
couple of French guys. Very interesting. It's an education in chemistry &
folklore. I've done the Bible & the Koran a few times. Sometimes just for
the prose, sometimes for the information. The Kamasutra I've been through
a few times, come to think of it. (laughing) I've done the chandelier, and
the revolving table with melon. I've done it all mate.
TOP
Peter Richardson : British
Comic Strip writer/actor/director
As
Julian in The Comic Strip’s ‘Five Go Mad in Dorset’:
Now
look here. Who's in charge of you ruffians? I demand we be taken to him at
once.
Well you're wrong about one thing, Uncle
Quentin. There is something we can still do and that's call the police.
Homosexuality is still against the law in this country, as well you know
it.
TOP
Sir Ralph Richardson : British actor
Acting is merely the art of
keeping a large group of people from coughing.
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Fay Ripley : British actress
I’ve got a really big baby growing out of
my stomach and, quite frankly, it looks like I’ve got one growing out of
my bottom too.
TOP
Guy Ritchie : British film director
Referring to his wife
Madonna: She would have me dressed up like a poof if she could.
TOP
Joan Rivers
: US comedienne/talk show host/actress
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth
or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and
say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All
she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three
years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my
stomach covers them.
It's been so long since I made love, I
can't even remember who gets tied up.
I hate housework. You make the beds, you do
the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I
gave birth to Melissa he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid
followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw
that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was
her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food
is seconds.
My best birth control now is just to leave
the lights on.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll
consider it.
There are still double standards. A man can
sleep around and sleep around and nobody asks any questions. A woman makes
nineteen, twenty mistakes, right away you're a tramp.
People say that money is not the key to
happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a
key made.
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked
him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
About Bo Derek: She turned down the
role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the
Chinese telephone directory.
Boy George is all England needs - another
queen who can't dress.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had
wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Doctors in Singapore have delivered the
first baby using a frozen egg and frozen sperm. The mom and popsicle are
thrilled.
She saw a sign saying "Wet Floor." So she
did.
TOP
Tim Robbins : US
actor/director/writer
I'm fairly competent as a director and
actor, but I am Mr. Neurotic as a writer. I just don't have enough
confidence in my abilities to take criticism well. I take it personally.
Start with “It's a masterpiece”, and then tell me what you think could be
changed.
I'm six foot four and a half and I have a
temper. It's reserved for very important issues. If someone is asking me
to make an artistic concession, then I'll become a madman.
I think it is so incredibly boring, these
black tuxedos. The women get to wear all the fun stuff.
TOP
Doris Roberts : US
actress
As Marie Barone in Everybody Loves Raymond:
(Frank, her husband: I tried nice once. Didn't
care for it). Is that what happened to smart?
(Debra, her daughter-in-law: A clean house is not
the most important thing in the world). You know who says that?
A messy person.
TOP
Julia Roberts : US actress
What's nice about my dating life is that I
don't have to leave my house. All I have to do is read the paper: I'm
marrying Richard Gere, dating Daniel Day-Lewis, parading around with John
F. Kennedy, Jr., and even Robert De Niro was in there for a day.
People don't want to see me having sex...
I'm the queen of the 'kiss, foreplay, dissolve.' And then the 'Whoo! Good
morning, tiger.’
At the
2001 Oscars, rebelling against the 45 second limit on acceptance speeches:
Put down that stick, I'm going to be here for a while . . . I love it up
here! I love the world! I'm so happy, thank you . . . A girl's got to have
her moment. Everybody tries to get me to shut up. It didn't work with my
parents and it didn't work now.
TOP
Ann Robinson : British
journalist/columnist/tv presenter
From The Weakest
Link:
You're quite honestly the most stupid
person I have ever met. Are you intelligent enough to be on the show?
Is there no end to your ignorance?
Let me say that the last round was a
masterful display of memory loss and stupidity ...
Aaron, you had a surprisingly good round.
Was that a mistake?
This is a general-knowledge game, not a
home for the bewildered.
TOP
Bobby Robson : British football
manager including manager of England
See the
OOPS! page.
TOP
Bryan Robson : British
footballer/England captain
See the
OOPS! page.
TOP
Samuel Rogers
: British poet
It doesn’t much signify whom one marries,
for one is sure to find next morning that it was someone else.
TOP
Will Rogers : US humorist/political
commentator/showman
Instead of giving money to found colleges
to promote learning, why don't they pass a Constitutional Amendment
prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the
Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of
people on earth.
There is no income tax in Russia. But
there's no income.
Everybody is ignorant. Only on different
subjects.
Buy land. They ain't making any more of the
stuff.
TOP
Ray Romano : US
actor/comedian/screenwriter
As Ray Barone in Everybody Loves Raymond:
Men don't like to cuddle. We only like it if it leads to...
you know... lower cuddling.
All right Ally, you have to do what Mommy says. (Ally,
his daughter: Why?) 'Cause I do.
(After his twins have knocked his
golf clubs down the stairs) Yeah... you won't be smiling
when we send you a postcard from Disneyland..
(To his wife) You know,
we make a pretty good team together, your availability and my
attractiveness.
When I was a teenager I wanted to write the Great American
novel. But then I realized that I didn't even want to read the Great
American Novel.
When I dance, people think I'm looking for my keys.
(To his brother) : Ok,
Robert, you want to know the advantages of marriage? Fine... There's...
Uh... OK! Here! Got it! You know when you fall asleep and you stop
breathing? When you're married, there's always somebody there to nudge you
back to life... That's not a good example. Ok..
(Frank Barone, Ray's dad: What if I wanted to have
more kids?) If God hasn't stopped you, the
government will.
TOP
Ronaldo
: Brazilian footballer
Referring to David Beckham: When
you swap shirts at the end of the match you expect it to smell bad. But
Beck’s smelt really nice.
TOP
Mickey Rooney : US actor
Always get married early in the morning.
That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
I was a thirteen-year-old boy for thirty
years.
TOP
Axl Rose : US lead singer with the
rock band Guns ‘n’ Roses
I discovered I scream the same way whether
I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches
my foot.
TOP
Francis Rossi : British
vocalist/lead guitarist/songwriter with the band Status Quo
We've been doing the same song for 30
years.
……… Riders were mainly about cables and
certain power things then; now that's basically all taken care of. Riders
these days tend to consist of special underpants and a packet of nuts. The
strangest things. …… We didn't really have anything sillier in the
dressing rooms than tangerines and a couple of bottles of wine. It always
struck me as a silly thing, a rider. It still does.
TOP
Wagner has lovely moments but
awful quarters of an hour.
TOP
Leonard Rossiter : British actor
If ignorance is bliss, why
aren't more people happy?
As Rigsby in Rising Damp:
Well, shall we go, Miss Jones? Those
seatbelts are a bit tricky, and I want to get you strapped down ... er,
strapped in as safely as possible.
Hey, don’t I know you? (Mrs Armitage:
I should hardly think so!) Yes! Mabel Bagworthy, that was. Used to
live next to the skin yard. I remember you on your dad's rag and bone
cart. Always had a runny nose - 'old silver sleeves'. Always showing us
your knickers behind the caretaker's hut. 'Old Red Hat And No Drawers' we
used to call you. Yes, I could never forget you, love. Strong smell of
candy floss mingling with a faint aroma of dead rabbit.
Now listen Osborne. I don't
want to be indelicate, but you're a young man, single. One day you might
meet a nice young lady, and you'll want to settle down and have children.
You won't be able to do that if you've had your firing pin removed.
(Alan: That's no problem, Rigsby. Nowadays, you can store your seed. Have
them frozen). Oh yes? And what happens if someone leaves the fridge
door open? You lose your son and heir along with the kippers.
As Reginald Perrin in The
Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin:
Daily, to his secretary at
Sunshine Desserts, as he arrived for work:
Eleven
minutes late …. staff difficulties, Hampton Wick.
Eleven
minutes late …. signal failure at Vauxhall.
Eleven
minutes late …. staff shortages, Nine Elms.
Eleven
minutes late …. derailment of container truck, Raynes Park.
Eleven
minutes late …. seasonal manpower shortages, Clapham Junction.
Eleven
minutes late …. defective junction box, New Malden.
Eleven
minutes late …. overheated axle at Berrylands.
Eleven
minutes late …. defective axle at Wandsworth.
Eleven
minutes late …. somebody had stolen the lines at Surbiton.
To his
secretary, dictating a letter to the Traffic Manager, British Rail
(Southern Region):
Dear Sir,
Despite my letter of Friday last, I see you have still taken no action in
the matter of the late-arrival of trains at Waterloo. This morning my
train arrived, as always, eleven minutes late. It is rapidly
becoming apparent to me that you are not only not competent enough to hold
your job, but you could not even run a game of strip-poker in a Turkish
brothel. It should be obvious, even to a retarded Belgian hamster, that
all of your trains should be re-timed to take eleven minutes longer. Yours
faithfully,
Reginald I. Perrin
PS:
During the pollen season, Peter Cartwright's sneezing is rather offensive
to those of us who, like myself, are allergic to sneezing. Today he blew
his nose on the Greater Manchester Development Plan supplement, which is
of sound enough environmental comment, but not a pretty sight. Why don't
you divide your carriages into 'sneezers' and 'non-sneezers'?
Daily, to his secretary, as he arrived for work:
Twenty-two minutes late …. black ice at Norbiton.
Twenty-two minutes late …. obstacles on the
line at Berrylands.
Twenty-two minutes late …. badger ate a
junction box at New Malden.
Twenty-two minutes late …. fed up with
train delays, came by bike. Slow puncture at Peckham.
Twenty-two minutes late …. escaped puma,
Chessington North.
TOP
Helen Rowland : US
journalist
A
husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen
arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to
the same person, three or four times.
TOP
J K
Rowling : British authoress
On
Harry Potter:
I can do to him whatever I like. I'm
allowed to torture him as much as I want. He's mine.
TOP
Bob Rubin : US comedian/writer
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of
mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
TOP
Men
like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Men
who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Men
are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches
sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his
team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living
room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in
case they call him.
A good
place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and
bathe.
In high school, I was voted the girl most
likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was
quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.
Men
love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a
combination address book, telescope and piano.
Men
are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log
does not burn, he will take it personally.
I was
a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen
in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until
I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I
requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want
something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
Neurotics build castles in the air,
psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it
outlasts milk.
I got kicked out of ballet class because I
pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
My
mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
I love
being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to
annoy for the rest of your life.
My
boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him
to.
To
attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to
spend their weekends with?"
Most
turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day
before.
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym
instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour,
we can't call it Jumping up and down.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get
so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
If you never want to see a man again, say,
"I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have children” - they leave
skid marks.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect
for anyone who can tour without an album.
TOP
Bertrand Russell : British
author/humanist/logician/mathematician/pacifist/philosopher
Science is what you know, Philosophy is what you don't
know.
TOP
Meg Ryan : US actress
Fame is also a test of character at times
... sometimes I pass the test, sometimes I'm a pain in the ass. Sometimes
I'm like, 'Oh, God! I just want to buy some tampons!'
In French Kiss:
I hate Paris. Oh why oh why do I hate
Paris? Because my love is there ... with his SLUT girlfriend.
TOP
Steve Ryder : British tv sports
presenter
See the OOPS!
page.
TOP
If I showed you scripts from
my first few movies, the descriptions of my characters all said, ‘the ugly
girl’.
In
Heathers:
If you were happy everyday of your life,
you wouldn't be human. You'd be a game show host.
See the
OOPS! page.
TOP
