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Al Pacino : US actor

Whenever I get the urge to exercise I lie down till it passes.

Michael Palin : British writer/actor/comedian/member of the Monty Python team

All I ask of food is that it doesn't harm me.

In Monty Python’s Flying Circus:

As the Presenter in the Blackmail! sketch:

'ello, Mrs. Teal, lovely to have you on the show. Now Mrs. Teal, if you're looking in tonight, this is for 15 pounds: and is to stop us from revealing the name of your LOVER IN BOLTON!! So, Mrs. Teal, send us 15 pounds, by return of post please, and your husband Trevor, and your lovely children Diane, Janice, and Juliet, need never know the name... of your LOVER IN BOLTON!

As Cardinal Ximinez of Spain in the Spanish Inquisition sketch:

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise .... surprise and fear .... fear and surprise .... Our two weapons are fear and surprise .... and ruthless efficiency .... Our THREE weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency .... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope .... Our FOUR .... no .... AMONGST our weapons .... Amongst our weaponry .... are such elements as fear, surprise .... I'll come in again.

As the Peasant in the Dennis Moore Rides Again sketch:

She's bloody dying and all you bring us is lupins. All we've eaten mate for the last four bleeding weeks is lupin soup, roast lupin, steamed lupin, braised lupin in lupin sauce, lupin in the basket with sauted lupins, lupin meringue pie, lupin sorbet ... we sit on lupins, we sleep in lupins, we feed the cat on lupins, we burn lupins, we even wear the bloody things! (Moore: Looks very smart).

In the Four Yorkshiremen sketch:

Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor! Woulda' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House!? Hmph.

You were lucky! We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down mill for fourteen hours a day week in-week out. When we got home, out Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!

But you try and tell the young people today that .… and they won't believe ya'.

In The Life of Brian:

As the ex-leper:

(Well, who cured you?) Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden up he comes, cures me! One minute I’m a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood’s gone, not so much as a by-your-leave! “You’re cured, mate.” Bloody do-gooder!

As Pilates:

My addwess is one of the high points of the Passover. My fwiend, Biggus Dickus, has come all the way fwom Wome just to hear it.

Weally, Centuwion? I'm surpwised to hear a man like you wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels.

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Arnold Palmer : US golfer

The road to success is always under construction.

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Tara Palmer-Tomkinson : British ‘IT’ Girl/model/newspaper columnist/actress

It's a dilemma to not only have to choose what outfit to wear but which boyfriend to wear it with.

My idea of A Perfect Moment is a week in bed with Richard and Judy.

In response to “Your sister is called Santa. Does she come down your chimney when she visits?” She doesn't come down the chimney - but she did once fancy a ski instructor called Mr Claus. For a time we were all worried she'd get married and become Santa - oh, you can work out the rest.

Referring to her time on the jungle tv show ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!’: One night two rats the size of Jack Russells were shagging on my forehead - and another one went into my sleeping bag.

On I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!:

Commenting on the jungle fashion show she’d arranged: Here we are in the jungle rainforest. This is the Maggot and Python top of the range store on the jungle high street and tonight, let me tell you: ladies and gentlemen, snakes, maggots, leaves and pigs, we have Super Model Nell McAndrew ….

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Gwyneth Paltrow : US actress

Beauty, to me, is about being comfortable in your own skin. That, or a kick-ass red lipstick.

I love men, even though they are lying cheating scumbags.

Describing how she prepares for a role: Before I start a movie I kill a hobo with a hammer.

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Dorothy Parker : US author/humorist/poet

After three Martinis I'm under the table. After four I'm under the host.

Referring to Kathering Hepburn: She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B.

Referring to an acquaintance: You know, she speaks eighteen languages. And she can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.

I don’t care what is written about me, as long as it isn’t true.

I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do any thing. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I require three things in a man: He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

If I had any decency, I'd be dead. Most of my friends are.

Razors pain you, rivers are damp

Acids stain you and drugs cause cramp

Guns aren't lawful, nooses give

Gas smells awful, you might as well live

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Sarah Jessica Parker : US actress

On ‘Sex and the City’ viewers: They don't ask me for advice, but they share the most intimate things with me. People can be so frank. That's what comes from having sex each week in their living rooms.

As soon as my husband and I can be in the same city, at the same time, I'd say we'd have a better chance of actually having children.

If I ever did a commercial it would have to be for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

At least when you date actors you feel normal - they're as neurotic as you are.

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Dolly Parton : US country music performer

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out.

People think I’m as shallow and superficial as I look, and it’s a surprise when they find out, sure enough, I am.

I’m as flashy as a drag queen’s Christmas tree.

If I see something dragging, bagging or sagging, I get it fixed.

Never run after a man or a bus - there'll always be another along in a minute.

Well, if I ever fall, they'll have to milk me to get me up!!

When people ask me how long it takes to do my hair, I say, "I don't know because I'm never there."

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Blaise Pascal : French mathematicianphysicist/theologian

Men never do evil so cheerfully and so completely as when they do so from religious conviction.

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Joe Pasquale : British comedian

This is my step-ladder. My real ladder left hom when I was 3 years old.

If too many cooks spoil the broth why dosn't someone get a big ladle and pull a couple out?

Be careful how you treat people when you're on the way up. Chances are you'll meet them again on the way down. My uncle told me that. He was a lift-attendant.

A friend in need is a friend indeed. But a friend in Marbella means you get a free holiday every year.

Who first discovered you could get milk from a cow? And what exactly did he think he was doing at the time?

At the police station you always see pictures of wanted men. Why didn't they just keep hold of them when they took they're bloody pictures?

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Trevor Peacock : British actor

As Jim in The Vicar of Dibley:

Is sex with poodles always wrong?

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Jonathan Pearce : British football commentator/pundit

See the OOPS! page.

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Maryon Pearson : Wife of Canadian Prime Minister Lester Pearson

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

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Simon Pegg : British comedian/actor/writer

I was the naughty kid that the teachers liked. I bullied a kid in the 1st year when I was in the 2nd, who then hit puberty like a plane crash and grew into a gorilla who bullied me when he was in the 4th year and I was in the 5th. That's Karma.

When asked what each of he and Jessica Stevenson is missing that the other one has: Pointing to Jessica: A sense of humour. (Jessica: It's true, I do lack a sense of humour, I'm very serious. But I've got the boobs, he's got the brain). Tits and arse. I'm the arse.

(Jessica: Men are traditionally slightly scared of intelligent women because they'll find out that men are stupid and it's like, oh my God, she's gonna know! People forget how perceptions have changed so much from the time when women were legally non-existent). Oh happy days!

As Tim in Spaced:

(On Daisy’s party decorations …. Brian: I see it as a tribute to Christo, the artist). I see it as a waste of Baco, the foil.

You can't dangle the bogus carrot of possible reconciliation in front of my face whilst riding some other donkey.

(Brian: Do you think i should lose the waistcoat) I think you should burn the waistcoat, 'cause if you lose it, you might find it again.

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John Peel : British radio broadcaster

I think a lot of the stuff I'm playing now is crap.

I'd much rather do radio than TV. I still regard radio as being the senior service. I realise that's an old fashioned attitude. When I'm on TV I do a lot of it with my eyes shut - not a very sound career move.

If I'm trying to pick a track on an LP, I'll always pick an amusing title. I bought some records in Barcelona by someone called DJ French Bloke. Anyone who calls themselves that can't be all that bad!

I don't plan to retire before I die. I don't like the idea of retirement. I don't want to play golf. I just want to keep doing what I'm doing. I do regard the playing of golf as like entering the antechamber to death. When my mates tell me they've started playing golf, I mentally cross them off the Christmas card list.

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Rhea Perlman : US actress

As Carla in Cheers:

(Cliff: I'm ashamed God made me a man) I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging about it either.

(Diane: He's trying to make a mountain out of a molehill). He wants you to wear a padded bra?

If you can't say anything nice, say it about Diane.

(Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had). Like a body temperature?

(Frasier Crane: Oh, Sam, you don't seem to understand. Look, I just came off a seven year marriage. It's hard to think of replacing Lilith). Just go to the morgue and open any drawer.

(Rebecca Howe: You guys, I have my new wedding dress. And now all I need is something old, something borrowed, and something blue). How 'bout Norm's liver?

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Matthew Perry : Canadian actor

I was the coolest guy of the non-cool crowd.

When asked what time has taught him about Jennifer Aniston: That she's the worst driver in the history of drivers. If I know she's going somewhere, I stay home.

On working with Liz Hurley: She’s not much to look at but very funny. She’s quite displeasing to the eye.

In response to a fan's comment about his neverending sarcasm: Well thank you very much and no, in fact I set my alarm for 4 o'clock in the morning to say something sarcastic and then go back to sleep.

I've just found out there are pages on the internet dedicated to whether I'm gay or not.

As Chandler Bing in Friends:

(Joey, looking at the ultrasound of Ross's child: What are we supposed to be seeing here?) I don't know, but I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.

Ok kids, I gotta go to work. If I don't put in those numbers .... doesn't make much of a difference.

To Joey: You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!

“You're such a nice guy" means "I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you”.

(Phoebe: You know what I just realized? Joker is poker with a 'J'. Coincidence?) Hey, that's Joincidence with a 'C'.

Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a back-up plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.

(Rachel: Men can pee standing up!) We can? Okay, I'm trying that.

Monica. Think. You're going with Julie ... to Bloomingdale's ... It's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship!

(Ross to his monkey, Marcel: Come on. We're gonna go take a bath. Yes we are, aren't we, yes we are …. ) They're still just friends, right?

Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last 1200 times.

(Phoebe: Whoa whoa whoa! You guys, do you know anything about chicks?) Fowl? No. Women? .... No.

Okay! Now you stay out here and you think about what you did! (Ross: That's a duck). That's a bad duck!

(Rachel: Well, you were pretty damn good). Interesting, because in my dreams I'm surprisingly inadequate.

Y'know I remember my father, all dressed up in a red suit, the big black boots and the patent leather belt, sneakin' around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up. (Rachel : Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas). Who said anything about Christmas?

(Ross: Do you think he'll be surprised to see me? ) Yes, at first. Then he'll realize he's a monkey, and isn't capable of that emotion.

When Phoebe's boyfriend was coming out of his shorts: What do we do, what do we do, what do we do?? (Ross: Just don't look directly at it). Like an eclipse.

Look, you have to help me! Okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman, y'know, I know where everything goes, it's always nice. But I need to know what makes it go from nice to, "My God! Somebody's killing her in there!"

If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom.

(Monica: It's not a date; it's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex). Sounds like a date to me.

I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we didn't have to play any games .... (Monica : So have you called her yet? ) Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? It's the next day! How needy do I want to seem? I'm right, right?

She obviously got my message. And is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy.

All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday? (Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out). For three years?

(Holding an issue of Cosmo): All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men.

(Ross: Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey). And he's not speaking metaphorically.

You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?

(Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going?) Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this?

(Shelley: Question. You're not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody who would be perfect for you). Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...

All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect. (Ross: No no, that's me). Oh, yeah.

(Ross: I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to .... woo her). Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1890s when that phrase was last used.

Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. (Joey looks sheepish). You used my toothbrush?! (Joey: Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one to unclog the drain). Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere.

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. Did I say that out loud?

(Monica: Alright, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing). Well, how do you find clothes that fit?

(Joey dancing and singing: “Oh mommie, oh daddy, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddy, I am a big old baddie!” Ross: “I guess he musta gotten the part in that play.”) Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.

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Sean Pertwee : British actor

(On his London neighbours Jude Law, Sadie Frost and Jonny Lee Miller): The unfortunate thing is that I live next door to the pub they all drink in. So if I leave my light on and they know I'm in, they all descend on me. I know it's nice, but it's a bit of a bummer if you're trying to watch EastEnders.

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Laurence J Peter : Canadian author/educator/psychologist/management theorist

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.

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Pink : US rock singer/songwriter

I’m just not the girl-next-door type. I’m the girl you don’t want to move in next door.

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Michelle Pfeiffer : US actress

On raising her children: We're just going to do the best we can, hold our breath and hope we've set enough money aside for their therapy.

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Emo Phillips : US comedian

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading.

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee -- the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.

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Fiona Phillips : British presenter on GMTV

I really love my job, but juggling strange hours with two children is a bit like being a hamster on a wheel. A very tired hamster.

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Pat Phoenix : British actress

As Elsie Tanner in Coronation Street:

There you go again Hilda. Lowering the rateable value wherever you go.

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Brad Pitt : US actor

Heartthrobs are a dime a dozen.

Reporters ask me what I feel China should do about Tibet. Who cares what I think China should do? I'm a fucking actor. I'm here for entertainment, basically, when you whittle everything away. I'm a grown man who puts on makeup.

That James Dean stuff is pretty boring. He bores me, amd what he's become bores me, and young actors trying to be like him bore me. It's a personal thing, i guess.

On his first smooch: We made a plan at school to meet in her garage and kiss. It was like this little business deal. I kissed her and then I ran home.

On what he sees when he looks in the mirror each day: I see Brad. I see pores, I see yellowing teeth, but I see a pretty good guy....Yeah, I'd date me.

To Rolling Stone magazine: I'm one of those people you hate because of genetics. It's the truth.

The truth is I don't want people to know me. I don't know a thing about my favorite actors. I don't think you should. Then they become personalities.

Looks may open doors - but they dont keep you in the room.

I remember going to an Ape-athon: all five Planet of the Apes movies, all day long. My mom packed me a lunch. My peanut butter & jelly sandwich got smashed against the seat back. I had some Hot Tamales. It was a great day.

I think I could have been a manic depressive at one point. But I said no.

I hate seeing those little quotation marks around words that didn't come out of my mouth.

In our family, the rule was, never keep a soda can between your legs when you're in the car. My father told us this wicked story about a man who was driving with a can and between his legs and got into a bad car wreck. And pfffttt! He lost his Johnson. To this day, I cannot drive with a can between my legs. And I warn all my friends, too. I say, “Don't do that man.” And they say, “Why?” And I say, “Because you could lose your uh-uh that way. I mean, seriously, man.”

In response to Jennifer Aniston’s claim that he could sing: Love is deaf.

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Marilyn Pittman : US comedienne/broadcast consultant/media trainer

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

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Nigel Planer : British actor/writer

As Neil in The Young Ones:

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, me, 'cause I'm the only one that does anything around here anyway!

I won't say anything becasue no one ever listens to me anyway! I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record!

Hey, wouldn't it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other? Like those sailors did in that film, um... "We Ended Up Having To Eat Each Other."

(Mrs. Smiley: Do you dig graves?) Yeah, they're alright, yeah.

(Vyvyan: OK Neil, you might feel a bit of a prick). Ohhh! What else is new?

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David Pleat : British footballer/manager

See the OOPS! page.

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Christopher Plummer : British actor

Julie Andrews has lilacs instead of pubic hairs.

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Channing Pollack : US magician

No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut.

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Paula Poundstone : US comedienne/writer

We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers. They would call it On Anon Anon.

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Terry Pratchett : British author

The fastest way to travel is to be there already.

From Interesting Times:

We are supposed to meddle with things we don't understand. If we hung about waitin' till we understood things we'd never get anything done.

From Small Gods:

Gods have no one to pray to.

From Johnny and the Dead:

It's amazing what you can do with a kind word, provided you've also got a big stick.

From The Light Fantastic:

Rocks don't fly. They're noted for not doing it.

People pointing knives at you are probably up to no good.

The pen is mightier than the sword …. only if the sword is very small and the pen is very sharp.

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Elvis Presley : US rock & roll singer/actor

I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.

The first time that I appeared on stage, it scared me to death. I really didn’t know what all the yelling was about. I didn’t realize that my body was moving. It’s a natural thing to me. So to the manager backstage I said “What’d I do? What’d I do?” And he said “Whatever it is, go back and do it again.”

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Priscilla Presley : US actress & former wife of Elvis Presley

When one of Lisa's baby teeth fell out here, the tooth fairy left her 50 cents. Another tooth fell out when she was with her father in Las Vegas, and that tooth fairy left her $5. When I told Elvis that 50 cents would be more in line, he laughed. He knew I was not criticizing him; how would Elvis Presley know the going rate for a tooth?

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Prince Philip

Opening a new annex at Vancouver City Hall: I declare this thing open – whatever it is.

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