Conan O'Brien
: US tv host
(About Tommy Lee):
Pamela Lee said her name is tattooed on her husband's penis. Which
explains why she changed her name from Anderson to Lee.
Compering the 2002
Emmy Awards:
I'm going to change some things at this Emmys presentation,
namely the acceptance speeches: 1) If you say this award belongs to
someone else, then we are going to take it away from you and give it to
that person and 2) Don't thank all your kids. Pick your favorite and move
on.
A great deal of planning went into the show's seating plan.
There are not just all celebrities out there but a wide variety of
industry types. Parasites and sycophants over here; the gay mafia right
here and then next to them the gay FBI, keeping tabs on them. Here are the
black people who watch Frasier and a woman with real breasts. Look
closely.
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Paul O’Grady
: British comedian
I exercise more. I’ve
changed me diet, because I used to gorge on meat. Now I’m on mackerel
which, I’m sorry, is horrible, and soya stuff. Before the heart attack
I’d have had to have been publicly flogged before I’d eat any of that. I
drink red wine and whisky, but I don’t drink pints of cider any more. I
was one of those people who loved getting slaughtered. If went to Dublin,
I’d come home in a body bag. Now, with the medication I’m on, two drinks
and I’m like Godzilla going through Tokyo.
I used to be on about
40 a day, Lambert & Butler, full strength, lethal things. They had to lay
off about 60 staff when I gave up, fucking awful.
I don't believe in aliens. I don't believe in Cinderella,
Father Christmas, British Rail timetables or Tony Blair either. All a load
of crap.
As
Lily Savage:
On marriage: Why buy a book
when you can join the library?
Life's too short to clean an oven.
I'm sick of fellas. Think I'll become a lesbian. At least
you get to wear flat shoes.
Tights are either too big and you look like a French mime
artist, or your gusset is so low that you walk like Cheetah from Daqtari.
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Ardal O’Hanlon
: Irish comedian/actor
I don't know how anyone can be a vegetarian. I like meat so
much that I can't walk past a field without going in and licking a cow.
On his costume for My Hero:
It's a bugger to get on and off. You'd think I'd be used to it after all
this time but it still takes me ten minutes just to get my arms in.
As Father Dougal McGuire in
Father Ted:
It's nice to have a nun around. Gives the place
a bit of glamour.
I brought the normal Scrabble and the Travel Scrabble. The
Travel Scrabble for when we were travelling and the normal Scrabble for
when we arrived.
We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press
and... oh. (Ted: It’s the lack of a printing press that lets us down
there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia
at all). Damn. So near, yet so far.
Do you believe in God, then Ted?
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P J O’Rourke : US political satirist/writer
Children from the age of five to ten should watch more
television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's, given to
fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about
grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime.
There
are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among them is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL
Convertible.
Humans are the only
animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who
like to eat theirs.
One nice thing about the Third World, you don't have to
fasten your seat belt. (Or stop smoking. Or cut down on saturated fats.)
It takes a lot off your mind when average life expectancy is forty-five
minutes.
What would be a road hazard anywhere else, in the Third
World is probably the road.
I can understand why mankind hasn't given up war. During a
war you get to drive tanks through the sides of buildings and shoot
foreigners - two things that are usually frowned on during peacetime.
The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not
dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you
can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is
more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I
don't know.
The Italians have had two thousand years to fix up the
Forum and just look at the place.
I like to do my principal research in bars, where people
are more likely to tell the truth or, at least, lie less convincingly than
they do in briefings and books.
There's only one secret to bachelor cooking - not caring
how it tastes.
Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom
do the dishes.
Are we disheartened by the breakup of the family? Nobody
who ever met my family is.
Any random group of thirty Vietnames women will contain a
dozen who make Julia Roberts look like Lyle Lovett.
... two key rules of Third World travel:
1. Never run out of whiskey.
2. Never run out of whiskey.
If we're going to improve the environment, the first thing
we should do is duck the government. The second thing we should do is quit
being moral. Screw the rights of nature. Nature will have rights as soon
as it get duties. The minute we see birds, trees, bugs, and squirrels
picking up litter, giving money to charity, and keeping an eye on our kids
at the park, we'll let them vote.
With the Epcot Center the Disney corporation has
accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have
created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life.
If Christ came back tomorrow, He'd have to change planes in
Frankfurt. Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time
is now spent in transit lounges.
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Dan Osinski
: US baseball pitcher
See the OOPS!
page.
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Peter O’Toole
: British actor
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I
suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
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Sam Ogden
: US photographer
The sooner you fall
behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
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Gary Oldman
: British
actor/director/writer/musician
Just the other day we were doing a scene and I'm like this
far away from him and I'm looking at him, all of a sudden I went - you're
INDIANA JONES !!!
With Beethoven I said I wanted a role where I didn't have
to do anything stupid with my hair. My agent said, "Read it again."
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Robert Orben
: US
writer/editor
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't
for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the
richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more
so.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your
garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the
world.
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement
speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns
that 'individuality' is the key to success.
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their
way back home.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United
States. Ask any Indian.
Never raise your hand to your children …. it leaves your
mid-section unprotected.
Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.
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John Osborne
: British dramatist
I must be the luckiest man in the world. Not only am I
bisexual, I am also Welsh.
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Jack Osbourne
: British reality tv star/son of Ozzy Osbourne
(Kelly
screaming: I don't care! Turn it off, I"m sleeping!!!!!!!!!!!) No
you're not.
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Kelly Osbourne
: British reality tv star/daughter of Ozzy Osbourne/rock
singer
My headmistress told my mother that I would never amount to
anything, that I was basically a loser. She should be eating buckloads of
her own shit right now.
I watched Byker Grove, Grange Hill and all those shows, and
if I wasn’t home in time for Neighbours I’d be in the worst bloody mood.
The only time I ever get in a bad mood is when I’m on a
photoshoot and I ask them if I can bring my own clothes, and they say no,
they want to style me. They get me in some kind of midriff-top and tight
jeans and platforms and I feel like a twat.
Your valet guy just farted in my car and it smells
un-godly.
My teeth, my car, my vagina, my business.
On Ozzy: One time he was
really drunk and he cahsed by friends round the house in his underwear, a
top hat and a walking stick.
I don't really care what people think about my hair. It's
my hair, so why should they care? Ooh, that rhymed.
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Ozzy Osbourne
: British hard
rock singer/songwriter/reality tv star
On Black Sabbath: I never
really knew what the big deal was, we were just four dimps from Birmingham
....
The only black magic Sabbath ever got into was a box of
chocolates.
It was Iommi who came to rehearsal one day and said, “Isn't
it funny how people pay to get scared shitless watching horror films? Why
don't we start playing scary music?” And then he came up with the Black
Sabbath riff - that was the scariest riff I've ever heard in my life!
I can honestly say, all the bad things that ever happened
to me were directly, directly attributed to drugs and alcohol. I mean, I
would never urinate at the Alamo at nine o'clock in the morning dressed in
a woman's evening dress sober.
Referring to Prince Charles and Camilla:
Why is he seeing that woman with a face like a sack of shit? She looks
like a horse’s arse.
It doesn’t matter what you teach a dog, if you don’t get up
at seven in the morning to let it out, it’s gonna poo in your bathroom.
On his appearance at the Queen’s Silver Jubilee ‘Party
at the Palace’ concert: I'm on my best
behaviour. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in the Tower.
Don't call me Booboo in front of these people …. I'm
supposed to be The Prince Of Darkness.
How the fuck do you feed a tree? Do you put a ham sandwich
down for the tree?
I hate these fucking stretch bastards junk pimpmobiles!
Weather in Afghanistan, 2000 degrees and cloudy. What the
fuck am I doing? I'm stuck on the weather channel. Aaaargh!!!!
I'm not picking up dog shit. I'm a rock star.
When I was a practicing
alcoholic, I was unbelievable. One side effect was immense suspicion: I'd
come off tour like Inspector Clouseau on acid. 'Where's this cornflake
come from? It wasn't here before.
Wha wha wha what's a dvd?
I try to be a f*ckin' nice f*ckin neighbourly person.
(Hugging Sharon): Merry
Christmas ..... (bit more mushy stuff) …. Now fuck off.
Sharon ….. this looks very dangerous to me. This looks like
I'm on tour for the next nine years.
Bubbles! Oh come on Sharon! I'm fucking Ozzy Osbourne, I'm
the Prince of fucking Darkness. Evil! Evil! What's fucking evil about a
shitload of bubbles!?
I just won! (After putting
quarters in his own slot machine).
I’ve been known to do some pretty nutty shit. There’s no
doubt about it – I a fucking nuts.
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Sharon Osbourne
: British reality tv star/wife & manager of Ozzy Osbourne
The Virgin Mary speaks to me. She says you must go to
Tiffany. And on the way, stop at Cartier.
(Ozzy: He's up in his room planning his future).
The only thing he's planning is his next wank;
whether he's going to use his left hand or his right hand.
ELO (Electric Light Orchestra) had to be the most boring
band in the world to work with. It was like working with old age
pensioners.
If I’m sitting on the toilet and I’m looking at the
grouting on the tils, that grouting really ets me. Mothers have a thing
about grouting.
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Mark Owen
: Singer/songwriter/former member of Take That
Nirvana saved my lizard. I bought an iguana and for two
days it didn’t move. Then I put on Smells Like Teen Spirit and it
came to life. That’s when I knew this was a great record.
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