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Jimmy Nail : British actor/musician/writer

If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.

As Oz in Auf Wiedersehen, Pet:

It certainly moves fast that curry. I don't know why we don't just buy it, then sling it straight down the bog, we could cut the middle man out then.

Pelicans, penguins and the Inland Revenue have all got one thing in common .... they can all shove their bills up their arse.

The old Oz has to reappear every once in a while else people might think I'm Cliff Richard.

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Joe Namath : US footballer

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'.

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Ogden Nash : US humorist/poet

Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore,

And that’s what parents were created for.

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George Jean Nathan : US drama critic and magazine editor

I drink to make other people interesting.

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James Nesbitt : Northern Irish actor

I'm all for the illusion that I'm a sex symbol.

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John Nettleton : British actor

As Sir Arold Robinson in Yes Minister:

It's a contradiction in terms, you can be open or you can have government.

If people don't know what you're doing, they don't know what you're doing wrong.

The Law of Inverse Relevance - the less you intend doing about something the more you have to keep talking about it.

(Sir Humphrey: Oh why, is Fred definitely going?) Yes, he keeps falling asleep in Cabinet.
(Sir Humphrey: I thought they all did). Yes, but not while they're actually talking.

Politicians are dependant on us, a thousand press officers to publicise their little triumphs, the Official Secrets Acts to conceal their daily disasters.

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Bebe Neuwirth : US actress

As Dr. Lilith Sternin in Frasier:

(Martin: Nice neighborhood. I noticed a whole bunch of kids Freddy's age playing in the street). Yes, he's spent many happy hours at the window observing their play patterns.

Well, as you know, I've enrolled him in that chess camp in the Berkshires. It's really quite stimulating. For eight hours a day, he sits in a large auditorium, with 300 other children, mastering the Alhausen-Grauve Opening. (Martin: Well, he's in the mountains. Shouldn't he be out there in the fresh air?) Every day after lunch they go for a nature walk. Unfortunately, Frederick is allergic to seven different varieties of ivy, so he has to wear long sleeves, and long pants …. and a bonnet with a net on it ….

Brian has been a dutiful suitor for some time, and I'm convinced to within an acceptable margin of error that he loves me.

Brian was looking for someone a bit more... feminine. And he found him!

Ironic, isn't it. No sooner do I get the closet of my dreams than my husband comes out of it.

Frasier, if you overanalyse every detail you will rob us of the joy of the moment. It will be our wedding night all over again.

(Frasier: So then what happened last night was only because you were lonely, and I was --) We all know what you were, Frasier.

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Chuck Nevitt : US basketball player

See the OOPS! page.

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Bob Newhart : US comedian/tv actor

From "The introduction of Tobacco to Civilization", wherein a telephone call from Sir Walter Raleigh prompts skeptical laughter in England: Are you saying "snuff," Walt? What's snuff? You take a pinch of tobacco (starts giggling) and you shove it up your nose! And it makes you sneeze, huh. I imagine it would, Walt, yeah. Goldenrod seems to do it pretty well over here. It has some other uses, though. You can chew it? Or put it in a pipe. Or you can shred it up and put it on a piece of paper, and roll it up - don't tell me, Walt, don't tell me- you stick in your ear, right Walt? Oh, between your lips! Then what do you do to it? (Giggling) You set fire to it! Then what do you do, Walt? You inhale the smoke! Walt, we've been a little worried about you...you're gonna have a tough time getting people to stick burning leaves in their mouth ....

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Paul Newman : US actor/director

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.

The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.

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Sue Nicholls : British actress

As Audrey Potter (later Roberts) in Coronation Street:

You could meet Alf Roberts riding on a horse in the middle of the Sahara Desert and still know he’s a grocer.

As Audrey Roberts: He gets very absorbed in his food does Alf, not to say covered in it.

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Jack Nicholson : US actor

I'm a goddamn marvel of modern science.

My best feature's my smile. And smiles - pray heaven - don't get fat.

You only lie to two people in your life: your girlfriend and the police.

A star on a movie set is like a time bomb. That bomb has got to be defused so people can approach it without fear.

People who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch.

I don't want people to know what I'm actually like. It's not good for an actor.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

What is a younger woman? I’m pretty old so almost every woman is younger than me.

In As Good As It Gets:

In response to Helen Hunt’s "How do you write women so well?" I think of a man and I take away reason and accountability.

In Terms of Endearment:

I don't know what else to say except my stock answer...I love you too kid.

If you wanted to get me on my back, you just had to ask me.

In Carnal Knowledge:

My father couldn't hold on to a job. He kept giving me advice. The more he failed, the more advice I got.

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Jack Nicklaus : US golfer

When asked "You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" The holes are numbered.

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Leslie Nielsen : Canadian actor

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.

When asked if he had a favourite quotation: Always sit down whenever you can.

I've always seen myself as a sex symbol. It's just that nobody else ever did, including my four wives.

I don't want to grow up. I want to grow down.

As Dr Rumack in Airplane!:

You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital. (Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?) It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

(Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious). I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.

What was it we had for dinner tonight? (Elaine Dickinson: Well, we had a choice: steak or fish). Yes. Yes, I remember. I had lasagne.

Captain, how soon can you land? (Clarence Oveur: I can't tell). You can tell me. I'm a doctor.

Well, can't you take a guess? (Clarence Oveur: Well, not for another two hours). You can't take a guess for another two hours?

As Detective Sergeant Frank Drebin in Police Squad!

(Woman: Is this some kind of bust?) Yes, ma'am, it's very impressive, but we need to ask you a few questions.

My name is Detective Sergeant Frank Drebin. A series of gorgeous fashion models had been found unconscious and naked in laundromats. Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate credit union holdups.

(Kingpin: Who are you and how did you get in here?) I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

Talking to a grieving widow: We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead yet.

As Lieutenant Frank Drebin in The Naked Gun : From the Files of Police Squad!

(Jane Spencer: Would you like a nightcap?) No thank you, I don't wear them.

You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan.

It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day. (Jane Spencer: Goodyear?) No, the worst.

Jane, since I've met you I've noticed things that I never knew were there before; birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.

(Breaking up with Jane Spencer): And I'll tell you one more thing: I faked every orgasm!

And in The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear:

Meeting Jane Spencer after a long gap: How are the children? (Jane:: We didn't have any children). Yes, of course.

(Dr. Mainheimer: It's a terrible thing that has happened here. I do hope you will find the people responsible) I'm sorry I can't be more optimistic, Doctor, but we've got a long road ahead of us. It's like having sex. It's a painstaking and arduous task that seems to go on and on forever, and just when you think things are going your way, nothing happens.

Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night? (Jane Spencer: He's Caucasian ….. yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About five-foot-ten). That's an awfully big moustache.

(Quentin Hapsburg: You do speak French don't you?) Unfortunately no, but I do kiss that way.

(Making a speech at the White House) .... blowing away a fleeing suspect with my 44 magnum used to mean everything to me, I enjoyed it, well who wouldn't?

The truth hurts doesn't it, Hapsburg? Oh, sure maybe not as much as jumping on a bike with the seat missing .......

That's the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there. (Captain Ed Hocken: Sex, Frank?) Uh, no, not right now, Ed.

And from The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult:

Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad. (Awards Ceremony Guard: Yeah, and I'm Robert De Niro). Mr. De Niro, we got to get inside.

Like a midget at a urinal, I was gonna have to stay on my toes.

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

(Ed Hocken: You might end up dead!) "You might end up dead" is my middle name. (Ed: What about Jane?) I don't know her middle name.

You're Rocko's girl, and in my book that chapter's called "look but don't touch." (Tanya: I could have two lovers). Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.

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David Niven : British actor

Referring to Jayne Mansfield: Miss United Dairies herself.

I have a face that is a cross between two pounds of halibut and an explosion in an old clothes closet.

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Richard Nixon : US President

For years politicians have promised the moon, I’m the first one to be able to deliver it.