Fred MacAulay : British comedian
On being asked what was his most nerve-racking moment:
Having to land a plane full of passengers when the captain had taken
ill. Oh no that was a film.
TOP
Harvey Mackay
: US entrepreneur/motivational speaker/author
When someone says, "It
can't be done," they're usually right. They can't do it.
TOP
Shirley MacLaine
: US actress
It is useless to hold a person to anything he
says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.
TOP
Madonna
: US singer/songwriter/actress
Oh, God, it’s so hard for me and my father to understand
each other. I mean, his favorite female artist is Celine Dion.
I was sacked from (Dunkin’ Donuts) for squirting the donut
jelly all over the customers.
Everyone probably thinks that I'm a raving nymphomaniac,
that I have an insatiable sexual appetite, when the truth is I'd rather
read a book.
For several years I wanted to be a nun. Nuns are sexy.
Referring to her husband, Guy Ritchie:
He likes to turn all the heat off and I like it warm; he likes to have the
tv on and watch complete bollocks and I don’t.
TOP
Toby Maguire : US actor
All the people throughout my life who were naysayers pissed
me off. But they've all given me a fervor; an angry ambition that cannot
be stopped - and I look forward to finding a therapist and working on
that.
TOP
John Mahoney : US actor
As Martin Crane in
Frasier:
(Lilith: You're having some fun at my expense, aren't
you?) Not much.
Referring to his dog, Eddie:
I call him 'Eddie Spaghetti’. (Daphne:
Oh, he likes pasta?) No, he has worms.
TOP
John Major : British Prime
Minister
I believe in opportunity for all.
Some vegetables I'm fond of. Peas I'm relatively neutral
about.
When it comes to the crunch, the Trade Unions will put
their arms around Mr Kinnock and say "Neil!" And he will, he will.
The reason Neil Kinnock's speeches go on for such a long
time is that, having nothing to say, he has no idea of when to stop saying
it.
TOP
George Mallory
: British mountaineer
Responding to the question “Why do you want
to climb Mt. Everest?” Because it’s there.
TOP
Howie Mandel : Canadian
comedian/actor
I don't care about anything. Like yesterday,
Jimmy cracked corn. I don't care.
I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday
with more food. And I'm thankful for that.
TOP
Marilyn Manson : US rock musician
I say no to drugs, but they don't listen.
TOP
Patrick Marber
: British
playwright/comedian/actor/director
On gambling: I had always
felt I was a self-destructive type but I didn't have a self-destructive
habit. I didn't drink much or take drugs. I remember thinking that night,
as we were playing, 'Oh yeah, this is my vice. This is the thing I've been
looking for to ruin my life.'
TOP
Imelda Marcos : Philippine
politician/wife of Ferdinand Marcos
See the OOPS!
page.
TOP
Don Marquis
: US newspaper
columnist/playwright/poet/short-story writer
Middle age is the time
when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good
as ever.
TOP
Dean Martin
: US singer/actor
If you
drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side
sobered up.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without
holding on.
TOP
Steve Martin
: US
comedian/actor
Sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome, and natural
things money can buy.
There is one thing I
would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I
won't stand for that.
I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it
once was - an Arctic region covered with ice.
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can
become art, but if you set out to make art you are an idiot.
Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful
woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.
Boy, those French: They have a different word for
everything!
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter
how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon
you have to start talking to them.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have
a disease named after me.
In The Jerk:
He doesn't realise he's dealing with sophisticated people
here. Marie, now just stay calm. Stay calm. Don't look down, don't look
down! Look up! Just keep your eyes up and keep them that way, o.k.! Waiter
there are snails on her plate. Now get them out of here before she sees
them! Look away, just look away, keep your eyes that way! You would think
that in a fancy restaurant at these prices you could keep the snails off
the food! There are so many snails there you can't even see the food! Now
take those away and bring us those melted cheese sandwich appetizers you
talked me out of!
Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this! I
don't need this stuff, (he pushes all of the letters off the desk), and I
don't need you. I don't need anything except this (he picks up the
ashtray) and that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't
need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray
and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The
ashtray, the paddle game and the remote control, and that's all I need.
And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control
and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the
remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need
too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this! The paddle game,
and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. Well
what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or
something? And this! And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote
control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.
As Harris K. Telemacher in
L.A. Story:
Hello, this is Harris. I'm in right now, so you can talk to
me personally. Please start talking at the sound of the beep.
I could never be a woman 'cause I'd just stay home and play
with my breasts all day.
How do you know I just broke up with someone? (Sara:
Because when men just break up with someone, they always run
around with someone much too young for them). She's not so young.
She'll be 27 in four years.
I've been thinking about myself and I think I can become
the kind of person that's worth you staying for. First of all, I'm a man
who can cry. Now it's true, it's usually when I've hurt myself, but it's a
start.
As Robert K. Bowfinger in
Bowfinger:
She had the personality of a ZIP code in Kansas.
We're finished! It's over between us! (Daisy: But why?)
You slept with Jiff. (Daisy: So?) You know, I never thought about
it that way. (Daisy: So I'll see you tonight?) What time?
(Eight?) Okay.
TOP
Groucho Marx
: US
comedian
Women should be obscene and not heard.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down
I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got
into my pajamas I'll never know.
I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't
end there.
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any
club that will have me as a member.
I didn't like the
play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
Politics is the art of
looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the
wrong remedies.
I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception in your
case.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because
I'd like to hear it again.
My mother loved children--she would have given anything if
I had been one.
Military intelligence
is a contradiction in terms.
There is one way to
find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he's
crooked.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend and inside
of a dog, it's too dark to read.
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath
September' because it actually tells you something.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a
smoke.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flys like a banana.
TOP
Jackie Mason
: US
comedian
I have enough money to
last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
It’s no longer a
question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you
like.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest
cheat in Europe.
TOP
Walter
Matthau
: US actor
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't
pay the bill he gave me six months more.
To Barbra Streisand:
I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.
TOP
Victor
Mature :
US actor
I'm no actor, and I have sixty-four pictures to
prove it.
TOP
Rik
Mayall :
British comedian/actor/writer
From The West Australian, July 26 2000:
I love that because it makes me sound even more interesting (the
accident). What's even more interesting was that I fell off the bike on
the Thursday before Good Friday. My daughter Rosie now calls it Crap
Thursday. I was going to die on the Thursday, Friday and Saturday, and
then on the Sunday the doctor said, "I think he's going to pull through".
Guess what day it was when it was announced I was going to live. That's
right — Easter Monday.
On how he greets people selling the Morning Star
newspaper: They shout 'Morning Star!' and I say
'Morning Love!
As Rick in The Young Ones:
We NEVER clean the toilet, Neil! That's what being a
student is all about! No way, Harpic! No way, Dot! All that Blue Loo scene
is for squares. One thing's for sure, Neil. When Cliff Richard wrote
"Wired for Sound", no way was he sitting on a clean lavatory! He was
living on the limit, just like me. Where the only place to put bleach is
in your hair!
Oh, God, I'm bored. Might as well be listening to Genesis!
Oh yes Vyvyan, when the mountain won't come to Mohammed,
smash the drawing room to pieces! That's very Buddhist, isn't it?
As Alan B’Stard in The New
Statesman:
In the good old days ... you were poor .... you got ill
.... and you died!
As Ritchie Richard in
Bottom:
Look, we have got guests coming,
remember? So I had better get on with my turkey. (Eddie: What are you
going to do with it?) Well, it's the season of goodwill and peace on
earth, so I thought I'd chop both its feet off, rip out its innards, strip
it, shove an onion up its arse and bung it in a very hot place for four
hours until it's completely burnt.
TOP
Simon Mayo : British radio
broadcaster/tv show compere
See the
OOPS! page.
TOP
Eugene McCarthy
: US former Senator
Being in politics is
like being a football coach; you have to be smart enough to understand the
game, and dumb enough to think it's important.
TOP
Paul McCartney
: British
singer/songwriter/musician/former member of The Beatles
Somebody said to me, "But The Beatles were
anti-materialistic." That's a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit
down and say, "Now, let's write a swimming pool."
I now realize that taking drugs was like taking an aspirin
without having a headache.
(Reporter: Recently there has been an article published
in Rolling Stone magazine that Day Tripper was about a prostitute, and
Norwegian Wood was about a lesbian. What was your intent on writing these
songs?) We were just trying to write songs
about prostitutes and lesbians.
TOP
Ian McCaskill : British BBC
weatherman
On letters he’d received from female admirers:
They're of a certain age, these ladies. You know, past their procreational
best.
TOP
Kerry McFadden :
British pop singer/reality tv show star
On I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!:
I'm only 6 stone really .... the camera puts 10
pounds on you and there's 18 cameras on me.
(Drunk) : I wanna boob lift. I've
decided. And I want me stomach - no fuck it, I don't want a boob
lift! And I don't want me tummy tucked. And I don't want
liposuction. This is me. It's the way God made me. I'm a
woman. A volumptuous
woman.
I'm only 5 ft & a fart.
(On being crowned Queen of the Jungle) :
I can't believe I'm sat here, I'm a wimp.
TOP
Phyllis McGinley
: US poet/writer
In Australia, not reading poetry is the
national pastime.
TOP
Rory McGrath
: British comedian/writer/co-founder of
Hat-Trick Productions
London Transport commissioned a study to find out why buses
were running late and it turned out it was because they kept stopping to
let people on.
TOP
Ewan McGregor
: British
actor
Discussing the influence of his uncle, actor Denis Lawson:
I was brought up in a small conservative town [Crieff] in Scotland. And
my uncle used to come up from London in the '70s wearing sheepskin
waistcoats and beads, with no shoes and long hair, giving people flowers
and stuff. I just went, wow. Right then I decided to become an actor -
even though I had no idea what that meant.
I'm just looking for that moment to drop my Jedi knickers
and pull out my real light saber.
Nothing's cooler than being a Jedi Knight.
Commenting on filming a scene for ‘The Phantom Menace’:
It was a bit overwhelming when George [Lucas]
said for the first time, “Okay, now you come into the spaceship and start
it up.” We were all suddenly on the floor laughing. “You start it up?!
How do you do that? Is there a key?'"
You know, it's funny. Everyone thinks being an actor is
like being a rock star, with women barging down your trouser door. But it
could not be more different. I ride to work every day on my motorbike and
there's never anyone at the studio gate. Every morning I arrive and think,
'Where the fuck are they?’
An airport customs inspector once recognised me from
Trainspotting and strip searched me looking for drugs.
On being naked on film: Being
naked was far more worrisome for everyone else on the set than it was for
me. I actually enjoyed it, the truth be told. There was something
incredibly powerful about it. Usually you'd get arrested for that sort of
thing, but I got paid.
Commenting on the size of his you-know-what :
This is what they mean by 'the long line of McGregors’.
During filming A Life Less Ordinary:
I've got a black woollen hat and it's got PERVERT written
across the front of it. It's the name of the clothing label. And I was
with my wife and my baby at the supermarket and I didn't think. I just put
my hat on Clara's head, because it was cold. And the looks. I couldn't
figure out why I was getting death looks. And then I realized my 10-month
old baby's wearing a hat with the word pervert written on it and these
people were like, “There's Satan! There's Satan out with his kid!” And
then I made a point of her wearing it every time we went there.
On Nicole Kidman's character in Moulin Rouge:
I use to say she was a skanky whore, which really pissed her off. But,
yes. She plays a courtesan. A high-class whore. A high-class skanky
whore.
TOP
Michael McKean : US
actor/writer/musician
As David St. Hubbins in This Is
Spinal Tap:
It's an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he's
not a very well known saint.
He was the patron saint of quality footwear.
It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever.
Dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just
not really widely reported.
He died in a bizarre gardening accident.
We are Spinal Tap from the UK. You must be the USA.
The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'.
I've been exposed to myself now. I don't have to go about
doing it to others.
TOP
Liz McLarnon : British pop
singer/member of Atomic Kitten.
I trashed my hotel room! I tidied it up later
though.
TOP
Mignon McLaughlin : US author
What you have become is the price you paid to
get what you used to want.
TOP
Pauline McLynn : Irish actress
As Mrs. Doyle in
Father Ted:
Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it.
Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little
things... Raisins!
TOP
Brian McNamara : US actor
In Mystery Date:
They talk, so you listen. That is the single most important
thing I can tell you about women. They like it when you treat them shitty.
They like it when you treat them well. They just want you to pay
attention.
TOP
Anthony McPartlin : One half of
British tv presenting duo Ant & Dec (formerly pop duo PJ & Duncan)
I took a girl to the pictures when I was about 15 or 16,
and she didn't really like us at all. She did, but she didn't want to be
me girlfriend. She was one of the girls from Byker Grove, actually, but
I'm not saying which one. I tried to put my arm around her and kiss her,
but she wasn't having any of it. It was all highly embarrassing. We were
at the cinema to see Dances With Wolves, which is the longest flippin'
film you could see. It was about 3 and a half hours of torture. But the
next day it was fine, thankfully. We were very professional about it.
TOP
Steve McQueen : US actor
I'm not sure that acting is something for a
grown man to be doing.
TOP
Michael McShane : US comedian
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
TOP
John McVie : US (British-born)
bass player/co-founder of the band Fleetwood Mac
I think the only ones who didn't have an affair
were me and Mick.
TOP
Kevin Meaney : US comedian
I've been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout.
That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my
sister's house and ask her for money.
TOP
Ethel
Merman :
US actress/singer
Referring to Cole Porter: He sang like
a hinge.
TOP
Avid Merrion : British comedian
(real name Leigh Francis)
In response to “Who is your favourite Big Brother
contestant of all time?”: The Jade of course.
I like her, she is fat so you get more housemate for your viewing
pleasure.
We have become friends and I wouldn’t like to jeopardise
that friendship by sticking my dirty love inside her body.
I told Lisa Tarbuck she looks better in trousers than she
do in a skirt. I meant it as a compliment. She must have had a bad day.
She punched me in the neck and called me a “son of a bitch”. I like her
though – she is fat!
When asked where his accent was from:
A place called Arachnipus, near Transylvania. They don’t have many
celebrities there, Dracula is like your Craig David …. he is bloody
massive.
If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there
is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me
you haven't done it.
I love celebrities ever since I come to your country. You
can only love a man with pointy fangs and hair for so long. But here you
have such delights as Letitia Dean, Claire Sweeney and the Dermot O’Leary
…. he is hundred per cent bloody genius! Celebrities are more quicker,
faster and shiner than the normal human being. They are smooth like
dolphins and can light up a room like powerful bloody torch that is to big
for a small child to use.
When asked for his favourite celebrity: There is so many
to choose from, but right now I would have to say the Davina McCall. She
has a big sexy nose – I would love to suck it. People say I am wrong for
saying she has a big sexy nose but can you imagine if she didn’t have a
nose? She would look shit!
I FEEL for Rik Waller because he has never seen his penis.
Maybe I should show him mine.
In response to "What's the most money you've ever blown
in a single day?": I bought three copies of Heat when lovely
Jade was on the front. One for the wall, one for my files and one
laminated for my pleasure. You can wipe it clean.
In response to "Have you ever been to the Met Bar?": I
spent three days camping outside and I got to meet the lovely Barbara
Windsor. I kissed her on her face and she tasted like biscuits.
I love biscuits.
TOP
Paul Merton
: British comedian/writer
I wonder why all the men in Iraq have black moustaches?
They can't all think it suits them.
On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where
Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, “Do you mind if I mug
you here?”
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly
mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I
can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who
your dentist is?
My school days were the happiest days of my life; which
should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past
twenty-five years.
On Jeffrey Archer:
He does 15 drafts of one of his books, if you read one and don't thinks
it's very good remember it's been improved 14 times. What must the first
draft be like?
On Paul Daniels, after
Daniels’ claims that Jesus' miracles were merely tricks:
Perhaps we should crucify Paul Daniels.
On Fergie, the Duchess of York:
She's in an old nursey rhyme isn't she? The Duchess of
York, she had ten thousand men. And when they were up, they were up ....
and when they were only halfway up she was more than happy.
On ‘The Bonking Bishop’, ie
the Bishop of Galway:
I used to go out with the bishop of Galway. He used to take
me to the pictures. I'd sit in the back row and hold his crook.
On his radio series, Late:
We chose radio because it's intimate, easier than TV in
terms of getting new ideas on, and if it doesn't work you can always claim
it's not you, it just sounds like you.
On Have I Got News For You:
To anchorman Angus Deayton:
I don't know where we'd be
without you Angus, BBC1 perhaps?
Why don't you put us out of your
misery?
You must have some talent
locked up in that body of yours, it can't be reading out loud and that's
it, surely!
(Christine Hamilton, when asked how much her recent
lottery win had been: A tidy sum. A darn site more than you get paid to
be on this programme). Well they pay what
people are worth ….
From his fictional biography My
Struggle:
War broke out in 1939. I sensed the opportunity to
entertain the troops abroad. Unfortunately I volunteered to entertain the
wrong side. I'd agreed to the bookings, but because of my poor education I
had no idea that Munich was in Germany. Let me tell you, those concerts
were very hard work. I didn't really have an act, so I simply collected
together all the old jokes I could think of. In fact the act went so badly
that once British Intelligence discovered what I was up to I was
positively encouraged to continue because of my invaluable role in sapping
enemy morale. Indeed on the explicit orders of Winston Churchill I added a
comic song. I was later told by Field-Marshal Montgomery himself that my
efforts to entertain in every tawdry nightclub in Berlin had hastened the
end of the war by eighteen months.
TOP
Beverly Mickins : US comedienne
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please,
I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
TOP
Bette Midler
: US singer/actress
I never know how much of what I say is true.
The worst part of success is to try finding
someone who is happy for you.
TOP
Philip Middlemiss : British actor
As Des Barnes in
Coronation Street:
The Duckworths are primitive life forms. If you're talking
evolution, they're one step above fungus.
The worst thing about my life is waking up and seeing
what’s on the pillow next to me.
TOP
Alyssa Milano
: US actress
I used to sleep nude -
until the earthquake.
TOP
Larry Miller : US
comedian/writer/actor
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to
me was, “You'll never find anyone like me again!” I'm thinking, 'I should
hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?’
TOP
I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like
it when you join in.
I don't like people who take drugs .… Customs
men for example.
A winkle is just a bogey with a crash helmet
on.
TOP
Spike Milligan : British comedian
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but
then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the
fridge.
Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class
of enemy.
I speak Esparanto like a native.
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable
occasion.
In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He
said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he
couldn't.
My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but
the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be
connected.
I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing
until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.
We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!
From The Goon Show “... and then the monsoons came, and
they couldn't have come at a worse time, bang in the middle of the rainy
season.''
From The Goon Show “Well, we can't stand around here doing
nothing, people will think we're workmen.”
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never
invented custard.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me
happy.
Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
”I'll draw a sketch of thee;
What kind of pencil shall I use?
To be or not to be?”
In a fax sent to Harry Secombe after the latter had had a
stroke: “I hope you go before me because I don't want you singing at my
funeral.”
TOP
John Milton : British poet
On being asked whether he would allow his daughters to
learn foreign languages: One tongue is
sufficient for a woman.
TOP
A A Milne
: British author/creator of Winnie the
Pooh
One of the advantages
of being disorganised is one is always making exciting discoveries.
TOP
Kylie Minogue
: Australian pop singer/actress
Gay icons usually have some tragedy in their lives,
but I've only had tragic haircuts and outfits.
There are buskers who are better than me.
I'm a drag queen in a woman's body ... a very short drag
queen. My so-called sexiness is like a Carry On film -
end-of-the-pier fun.
TOP
Alan Minter : British boxer
See the OOPS!
page.
TOP
Miss Piggy
: Puppet in the US tv show, The Muppets
Never eat more than
you can lift.
