LL Cool J
: US rap artist
I try to do the right thing with money. Save a dollar here
and there, clip some coupons. Buy ten gold chains instead of 20. Four
summer homes instead of eight.
TOP
Lynda La Plante
:
British crime writer
I was in the Groucho, and I’d ordered a steak pie. The
crust was a bit tough, so I stuck the knife in lifted it up and it flew
straight into this woman’s handbag. She didn’t find it until she left,
thankfully.
TOP
R D Laing
:
British psychiatrist/author
Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality
rate is one hundred percent.
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Charles Lamb
: British essayist
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by
leaving early.
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Sarah Lancashire
: British actress
As Raquel in
Coronation Street:
It's one thing I'm grateful to my mother for. Calling me
Raquel. It may sound like a brand of disinfectant, but at least nobody
shortens it.
The purpose of football is to score goals, right? Well it's
daft, you see. You've got two teams on the field and they're both kicking
in opposite directions. Why don't they both kick the same way? Then they
can score as many goals as they like.
I'm beginning to think life's too short for
cricket.
TOP
Ann Landers
: US advice columnist
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
that you are wonderful.
At every party there are two kinds of people: those who
want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually
married to each other.
TOP
Doug Larson
: British middle-distance runner/Olympic gold medalist
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own
children have teenagers of their own.
Utility is when you
have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you
have none.
A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear
conscience.
Accomplishing the impossible
means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
If all the cars in the United
States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe
full of slush.
Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by
people not smart enought to know they were impossible.
TOP
Matt Lauer
: US broadcast journalist
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of
the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also
discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what
they are.
TOP
Hugh Laurie
:
British actor
I don't know how actors do it. I was spellbound watching
Coronation Street
when Dan and Ivy were close to splitting up. I'm amazed by actors who can
cry. I'd have to get a stunt man to do the emotional stuff. But I'd be
perfectly happy to do the car crashes myself.
I am terribly conscious of the fact that the world doesn't
need any more actors. There are so many brilliant actors around that one
more twit like me joining the back of the queue seems completely
unnecessary.
TOP
Jude Law :
British actor
On friend Ewan McGregor's role in Star Wars:
It's so funny thinking that my son is probably going to
be obsessed with Uncle Ewan. It'll be, ”Can Obi-Wan come over?'"
TOP
Nigella Lawson
: British tv cook/writer
What I'm doing here is seeking
to offer protection from life, solely through the means of potato, butter
and cream ... there are times when only mashed potato will do.
TOP
Irving Layton
:
Canadian poet
Referring to Pierre Trudeau:
Canada has at last produced a political leader worthy of assassination.
TOP
Dennis Leary
: US comedian/actor
Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I
beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog
dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new
dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but
you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one
day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you
have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your
mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to
walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at
Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die.
Maybe.
We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in
the chest. Yoko Ono is standing right next to him. Not one f**king bullet.
Explain that to me! Explain that to me!
There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing
clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid!
I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into
one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place
and get it over with.
Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You
never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven
months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned
self-discipline. That's the important thing.
TOP
Matt LeBlanc
: US
actor
As
Joey Tribbiani in
Friends:
You know what
blows my mind? Women can see breasts anytime they want. You just look down
and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.
And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me
and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot. (Monica: Joey,
stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day!) What, like there's a rule
or something?
Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop
calling.
Ross, if homo sapiens actually were homo sapiens, is
that why they´re extinct? (Ross: Joey, they are people!) Hey, I´m
not judging!
So these Little Women, how little are they? Scary little?
I've got two words for you. "Threesome".
Ahhh, I didn't get the job. (Ross: How could you not
get it? You were Santa last year). I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping
with the store manager. He's not even jolly, it's all political.
Okay, man, I didn't want to
bring this up, but Chandler is the stupidest name I've ever heard in my
whole life! It's not even a name! It's barely even a word. It's kind of
like chandelier .... but it's not.
You see, the Netherlands is
this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.
(Chandler: I'm here to see Mary-Angela).
You are so the man! Now look, listen, listen, you got to be cool, 'cause
my Grandma doesn't know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her
off. She was like the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body.
Yeah.
Look, I can tell when women are depressed and vulnerable;
it's one of my gifts.
On driving through "The Tunnel of Commitment":
Well, I've never been through the tunnel myself.
'Cause as i understand it, you're not allowed through it with more than
one girl in the car.
(Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her. It's her wedding
day). What? Like there's some rule or something?
Well, you're gonna have to get
a divorce! (Ross: No, no, no...we can just get an annulment!)
Dude, Ross, I don't think surgery is the solution!
(Rachel: Ooh, and then afterwards you could take her to
the Four Seasons for drinks. Or go downtown and listen to some jazz. Or
dancing – oh, take her dancing). You sure are
naming a lot of ways to postpone sex, I'll tell ya.
I thought it'd be great, you know? Have some time alone
with my thoughts ... turns out, I don't have as many thoughts as you'd
think.
TOP
Fran Lebowitz
: US writer
Your life story would not make a good book. Don’t even
try.
My favorite animal is
steak.
TOP
Jane Leeves
: British actress
As Daphne Moon in Frasier:
(Frank: Very pretty name. Do people call you Daffy for
short?) Not twice.
Dr Crane! Your glockenspiel has sprung to life!
TOP
Carol Leifer
: US comedienne
I’m not into working
out. My philosophy is No pain, no pain.
TOP
John Lennon
: British
singer/songwriter/musician/former member of The Beatles
During The Beatles’ Royal Variety Performance before
members of the British Royal Family: Will the
people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if
you'll just rattle your jewellery.
When I was about twelve, I used to think I must be a
genius, but nobody's noticed. If there is such a thing as a genius...I am
one, and if there isn't, I don't care.
We know how to behave. We've had lessons.
To Pete Shotton, after he wrote “I Am The Walrus”:
Let the fuckers try and work that one out, Pete!
Life is what happens to to you while you’re busy making
other plans.
(Reporter: Do you think your records are musical?)
Obviously they're musical. It's music.
(Some people have been calling your work "Un-American".
How do you respond to this?) Well, that's very
observant of them.
You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And
the Beatles are the biggest bastards on earth.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
I never listen to the radio. If it's bad, I make fun of it,
and if it's good, I get jealous that I didn't think of it.
TOP
Jay
Leno
: US tv host/comedian
The reigning Miss
Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight ...
quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant
winner who is against world peace.
I went into a
McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the
counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”
According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of
other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful.
For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than
the cigarette afterward.
Yesterday, the State Department released a list of all the
gifts President Bush has received since becoming president. Gift number
one, the election.
Yesterday President Bush was at Mt. Rushmore. Don't confuse
this with former President Clinton who was just in a rush to mount more.
In a speech yesterday in Milwaukee, President Bush vowed to
do whatever it takes to keep the economy strong. In fact he said that if
he needs to, he will take vacation for another three months.
Newsweek
magazine says that President Bush is determined not to make the same
mistakes as is father did, you know like letting his kids get involved in
politics.
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us
candidates.
TOP
Graham Le Saux
: British footballer
See the
OOPS! page.
TOP
David Letterman
: US
tv host/comedian
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon
Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow
his own wives.
New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number
of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move.
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
George Bush, our president, is taking a month-long
vacation. He's the only one in the country who can afford a vacation at
all. ... People were kind of upset, with all the economic problems, the
terrorist threats, that George Bush is taking a month off. White House
officials said he was taking the month off to unwind. My question is, when
does he wind?
TOP
Monica Lewinsky
: US
handbag designer/former White House intern & mistress to President Clinton
I voted Republican this year. The Democrats left a bad
taste in my mouth.
On CNN's Larry King Live discussing her Jenny Craig
weight-loss: I have learned not to put things
in my mouth that are bad for me.
TOP
Wendy Liebman
: US comedienne
I've been
on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.
TOP
Gary Lineker
: British
footballer/England team captain/tv & radio presenter & pundit
There's no in between, you're either good or
bad. We were in between.
See
also the OOPS! page.
TOP
Eric
Linklater :
Scottish novelist
Referring to golf: All I’ve got against it is that it takes you so far
from the club house.
TOP
Larry Linville
: US actor
As Major Frank Burns in the tv series
M*A*S*H:
I'm sick of hearing about the wounded. What about all the
thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the
credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to
get shot.
Individuality is fine, as long as we all do it together.
TOP
Maureen Lipman
: British actress/comedienne/writer/broadcaster
You know the worst thing about oral sex? The
view.
TOP
Ralf Little
: British actor
It's quite Royle Family that the whole thing (The Royle
Family) would depend on whether Caroline and Craig can be arsed – I
quite like that.
TOP
Lucy Liu
: US actress
Everything
I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that’s why I don’t have a
boyfriend.
Have you seen Ultimate
Fighting? There are no rules. You can pull your opponent’s scrotum off
if you want. It’s a delight to watch.
I'd love to get my ass
kicked by Bill Murray. He's tall, like 1.92 metres, and I'm 1.59 metres.
I think he's really smart and hilarious. It'd be fun if we got in the ring
together, but do me a favour: If you ever see that I'm going to be on
Celebrity Boxing, please just kill me first.
TOP
Ken
Livingstone
: British Mayor of London/Labour and Independent politician
On Margaret Thatcher:
She'll probably replace Guy Fawkes as an
effigy.
TOP
Robert
Llewellyn :
British actor/tv compere
As
Kryten in Red Dwarf:
At 0700 hours tomorrow morning my shutdown disc will be
activated and all mental and physical operations will cease. (Lister:
Then what?) I don't know... maybe I'll get a job as a disc jockey.
TOP
Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen
: British interior designer/tv personality
On the memorable moment when his wife proposed:
I don’t remember that Jackie asked me but I remember the decor of the room
we were in.
TOP
Roger Lloyd Pack
: British actor
As Trigger in
Only Fools & Horses:
If it's a girl, they're calling her Sigourney, after an
actress. And if it's a boy, they're naming him Rodney ... after Dave.
Twenty-years, it's a long time Dave! (Rodney: Yeah, well
it’s two decades) I wouldn't go that far, but it's a long time!
As Owen in The Vicar of
Dibley:
Sorry I'm late. Sheep exploded.
Can we move on? I've got a worrying feeling in my colon.
He's as doomed as a virgin on a date with Rod Stewart.
I likeTheTimes. It's not too rough on the buttocks.
I have got a lot of heart in me, as any of my cows could
tell you - if they could talk, which they can't, which is a shame in one
way, and a bloody relief in others, ‘cause what would they say?
Some of us have arms that are urgently needed up a certain
sheep's backside.
TOP
Gaby Logan
: British sports presenter
I used to watch Cat Deeley on Saturday mornings and think,
‘I really wish I could wear a pretty top like that.’ But if I did, I’d
look like I was trying to pull my pundits.
TOP
Vince Lombardi
: US football coach
The Green Bay Packers never lost a football game. They just
ran out of time.
TOP
Rob Long
: US writer/tv & film producer
Who among us has not gazed at a painting of Jackson
Pollack's and thought: What a piece of crap?
TOP
Jennifer Lopez
: US
singer/actress
I could serve coffee using my rear as a ledge.
Again referring to her bottom:
When I was younger and shorter it looked bigger. But now I’m taller I
think I’ve grown into myself.
TOP
Sophia Loren
: US (Italian-born) actress
Sex appeal is fifty percent
what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got.
TOP
Courtney Love
: US pop-punk
singer/songwriter/actress
On bisexuality: I tried it once and
then I asked myself where's the main course?
TOP
George Lucas
: US film director
If the boy and girl walk off
into the sunset hand-in-hand in the last scene, it adds 10 million to the
box office.
I thought it [Star Wars] was too wacky for the general
public.
TOP
Matt Lucas : British comedian/actor
From Little Britain:
As Vicki Pollard:
(Social
worker: “So where's your baby, Vicky?) Yeh but no but no but
Carly found a pube in her lasagne, and Darren said he was gonna go to
third base with Amber but that was RUBBAAASH and don't listen to Amber. I
like Amber but she ain't my friend so you better talk to Amber but I dont
know her. Anyway, I dont know nuffin' so SHUT AAP! (Social
worker: All I want to know Vicky is where your baby is...?) Oh,
I swapped it for a Westlife CD. (Social worker: OH MY GOD!!! HOW COULD
YOU?!?!) I know.... they're RUBBAAASH!!
TOP
Joanna Lumley
:
British actress
As Patsy in Absolutely
Fabulous:
The last mosquito that bit me had to book in to the Betty
Ford clinic.
She was so anally retentive she couldn't sit down for fear
of sucking up the furniture.
One snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high the
world's your gynecologist.
(Eddie: You’ve given up drinking before.)
Worst eight hours of my life.
(Eddie: Sweetie, we dragged these people screaming into
the 20th Century. We gave them all the mod-cons, darling. We gave them the
non-squat toilet... toilet tissue, darling. I mean, how do you think they
used to wipe their bottoms before we came along?)
Old bits of hoof.
The only thing that got him up in the night was his
bladder.
Oh, he was just a windscreen washer I picked up at the
traffic lights. Buns so tight he was bouncing off the wall.
On checking out her hospital room:
No bloody mini-bar!!
TOP
John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten)
: British punk hero
I'd love to have been born into a wealthy
family. I might have turned out even more marvellous than I am now...
Love is two minutes and fifty two seconds of
squelching noises.
On I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!:
Right, I'm camp leader - whose ciggies shall we
nick, and whose bed shall we set on fire?
Referring to Jordan:
It's a parasite. It doesn't
contribute. It's a moron. It's a bicycle pump.
Nicholas Lyndhurst
:
British comedy actor
As Rodney in Only Fools & Horses:
I am depressed because of the state of my life at the
moment. I've got this 'orrible feeling that if there is such a thing as
reincarnation, knowing my luck, I'll come back as me.
Leave it out Grandad, I'd have to get done for chicken
molesting to bring a slur on this family’s name.
TOP
Humphrey Lyttleton
: British jazz trumpeter/radio show host
On
I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue:
Before we start the final round Samantha has to shoot off.
She has a date with her new Italian boyfriend who's taking her for lunch
followed by an ice cream. Samantha likes nothing better than licking the
nuts of a big Neopolitan.
A friend of Samantha's is going to sort me out with a new
computer since my old machine is a little worse for wear – my zip's down,
my floppy's out and I've run out of RAM.
And so, as the labrador puppy of time scampers off with the
toilet roll of destiny, it's time to bid the whining little child of
show-business adieu once more ….
And so, as the sand castles of destiny are washed away by
the incoming tide of time, it is clear that the grim deck-chair attendant
of doom will shortly be upon us ....
And so, as the great tit of time nibbles through the gold
top of eternity, and the unseen mouse droppings of fate nestle in the
crunchy fruit-and-nut meusli of destiny ....
And so, as the relentless juggernaut of time runs over the
final hedgehog of hope, and the last traffic cone of fate is removed from
the student bedsit of destiny ....
And so, as the little Andrex puppy of time scampers onto
the busy dual carriageway of destiny, and the extra strong meat vindaloo
of fate confronts the 'Toilet Out Of Order' sign of eternity ....
And so, as the grubby raincoat of time opens to reveal the
upright Member of Parliament, and the categorical denial of destiny is
swiftly followed by the resignation letter of fate ….
And so, as the plastic duck of destiny has been sunk by the
loofah of fate, and Old Father Time has gone wrinkly in the bath water of
eternity, it must be time to pick out the short hairs of hope from the
plug hole of infinity ....
And so, as the Qualcast mower of time cuts through the
electric flex of destiny ....
And so, as the wheelie-bin of time is hoist aloft by the
dustman of fate, and the broken egg shells of despair are scattered down
the front path of destiny, it must be time to regret not tipping him
better ....
And so, as the hot custard of time dribbles down the
spotted dick of destiny, and the clumsy nurse of fate is deafened by the
screaming patient of eternity ....
And so, as the Wispa of mortality melts into the upholstery
of fate in the overheating Vauxhall of destiny, towing the caravan of doom
ahead of the motorway tailback of eternity ....
And so, as the sands of time blow up the trunks of destiny,
and the grit of fate lodges uncomfortably in the winkle of despair ....
And so, as the plastic cup of time fails to emerge from the
vending machine of destiny, and the scalding coffee substitute of fate
splashes onto the unsuspecting crotch of eternity ....
And so, as the Little Jack Horner of time pulls out his
plums of fate, and the Little Tommy Tucker of destiny looks for a rhyme we
can broadcast ....
And so, as the chill wind of time blows up the kilt of
destiny, and the short-sighted octopus of fate tries to mount the bagpipes
of eternity ....
And so, as the pleasant sitting room of time is mutilated
by the Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen of destiny ….
TOP
