It's been a tough year for the Katz family. My aunt passed
away two weeks ago. She was cremated. We think that’s what did it.
Scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have
found it years ago, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same
effect just by standing up really fast.
I had dinner with my father last night, and made a classic
Freudian slip. I meant to say, "Please pass the salt," but it came out,
"You prick, you ruined my childhood."
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Margo Kaufman
: US writer
The only thing worse than a man you can't
control is a man you can.
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Jay Kay
: British lead
vocalist/songwriter with the band Jamiroquai
That freeloader
Edward? Useless bastard. The most useless bastard I know. And you can
print that just the way I’ve said it, because it’s true.
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Peter Kay
: British comedian/actor
I was at my father's funeral and this man came up to me and
said, `I've just come out of hospital. Rectal abscess. I've still got a
son at home. He's in his forties and he won't leave.' I mean, I couldn't
make that up - it's just the way somebody speaks.
So you'll all be sick of seeing my face all over the place,
don't worry I won't become too popular, I'd much rather dip in and out
like a duck mating and bury myself back in Bolton. You won't catch me
going to the opening of an envelope …. a jiffy bag, but never an envelope
….
I hate Bank Holiday weekends, you never know what day it
is, and what day the bin men are going to come.
Referring to his spot on ‘Friday Night With Jonathan
Ross’: I was in a garden centre shopping, when
I got a call to say that Sir John Mills was ill, and could I cover on the
show as a guest. Before you could say 'Ryan's Daughter' I was on my way to
London.
I never ever imagined that all this would happen when I was
a cinema usher at the A.B.C in Bolton, picking Toffoes up off the floor
and telling people the end of 'Seven' as I ripped their tickets.
So I was having dinner with
Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It
took him two hours to pass me the salt.
I met a Dutch girl with
inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but
unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
The other day I sent my
girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my
drift?".
So I went down the local
supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps
in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
But I'm in great mood tonight
because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of
Marmite......... one jar.
So I rang up British Telecom,
I said "I want to report a nuisance caller". He said "Not you again".
Now did you know all male
tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
So a lorry-load of tortoises
crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle
disaster".
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".
A man walks into a bar with a
roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the
road."
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin
piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is
when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and
asked him to forgive me.
Triangular sandwiches
taste better than square ones.
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away
from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different
names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on
it was sticks and stones all the way.
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a
check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me
neither.
As Brian Potter in Phoenix
Nights:
What’s that on your arm? (Jerry: It’s a copper
bracelet. It aids fitness & mobility). Does it? Better get two for
me legs.
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Paul Kaye
: British actor/comedian
As
Dennis Pennis:
To Cher: Has anyone ever told
you you're really beautiful …………. and meant it?
To Elton John: Hey Elton, do
you know what they call you in Germany? Herr Piece.
To Kevin Costner: Hi man,
morning, I've come a long way to see you. Listen in Waterworld you play
some kind of fish. Don't you think it's inevitable you get battered by the
critics?
To Joan Collins: Hey Joan,
you look like a million lire.
To Michael Winner: Michael, I
understand you have nine toilets, is that right you have nine oilets? So
you obviously make a lot more crap than people give you credit for right?
To Jamie Lee Curtis: In 'A
Fish Called Wanda' you were privileged to see John Cleese in the nude.
Was he Python-esque or did he have a Fawlty Tower?
To Frank Bruno:
All this boxing you're doing - you know, there's a real danger it
might sorta stop people taking your pantomime seriously.
To Richard Gere: As you're a
Buddhist, do you like Tibet or do you think gambling's wrong?
To Tom Hanks:
I love Philadelphia. Changed my life, man. Smooth, creamy ….
spreads on your crackers like nobody’s business.
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Ronan Keating
: British pop singer,
formerly with Boyzone
I was turfed out of the choir for acting the
maggot.
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Kevin Keegan
: British footballer/manager
See the
OOPS! page.
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Garrison Keillor
: US humorist/radio
broadcaster
If tofu adds years to your life, they probably
wouldn't be the best years.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals
that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
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Frank Kelly
: Irish actor
As Father Jack
Hackett in Father Ted:
Drink! Feck! Arse!
Girls!
(Mrs Doyle: Now then Father, what would you
say to a nice cup of tea?) Feck off, cup!
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Lorraine Kelly
: British tv presenter
See the
OOPS! page.
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George Kennedy
: US actor
As Captain Ed Hocken in The
Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!
The doctors say that Nordberg has a 10 percent chance of
living, though there's only a 50 percent chance of that.
(Frank Drebin, while emptying out his files after being kicked off the
force: Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! He really was
innocent!) Frank, Kelner went to the chair two years ago.
TOP
John F. Kennedy
: US
President
When we got into office the thing that surprised me was
that things were as bad as we’d been saying they were.
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Jean Kerr
: US author/playwright
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only
skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas?
Even though a number of people have tried, no-one has ever
found a way to drink for a living.
I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It
seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on.
If you can keep your head about you when all about you are
losing theirs, it’s just possible you haven’t grasped the situation.
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man
speaks only when driven to by something outside himself – like, for
instance, he can’t find any clean socks.
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Kid Rock
: US rock singer
I have a couple of guys who do my laundry for
me, just because I’m lazy. And rich.
I get Canadian porno - that's the extent of satellite
service and Internet in my house.
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Nicole Kidman
: Australian actress
On injuries sustained during a dance sequence for Moulin
Rouge: I'm embarassed by my injuries. It makes
me out to be such a wimp. I broke my rib in the rehearsal process. Ewan
McGregor is very proud to say that he broke it.
To Ewan McGregor at the MTV Movie Awards:
I’m really bummed we didn’t win Best Kiss. We should have rehearsed a bit
more.
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Lemmy Kilmister
: Bassist/vocalist with Motorhead
If this band moved in next door to you, your lawn would
die.
We built a whole stage out of PAs at this festival in
London, 117,000 watts. In fact, a guy called up from four miles away while
we were soundchecking and said he couldn't hear his TV - four miles away!
I ain't deaf. I've just always liked it loud, you know, the live sound.
I think there is something wrong with you if you like quiet rock and
roll.
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Jan
King
: US singer
Whoever thought up the word "mammogram"? Every time I hear
it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to
someone.
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Larry King
: US
talk show host
Referring to Willy Nelson:
When you talk to him, he looks at you and grins and grins and nods and
nods and appears to be the world's best listener, until you realize he is
not listening at all.
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Stephen King
: US author
People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross
stuff. I like to tell them that I have the heart of a small boy... and I
keep it in a jar on my desk.
I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
I work until beer o’clock.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm
destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens,
"Why, God? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's
just something about you that pisses me off.”
TOP
Sam Kinison
: US comedian/former preacher
I don't worry about
terrorism. I was married for two years.
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Neil Kinnock
: British Vice-President of the European Commission/former Labour
Party Leader
On William Hague:
I too was once a young, bald Leader of the Opposition.
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Henry Kissinger
: US Secretary of
State
I want to thank you
for stopping the applause. It is impossible for me to look humble for any
period of time.
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane: either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who
do.
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore
people, they think it's their fault.
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Myleene Klass
: British singer/musician, formerly of Hear’Say
Referring to her boobs: I
love them but they upstage me every time I walk out in front of an
audience.
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Marci Klein
: US tv producer
My only complaint about having a father in fashion is that
every time I'm about to go to bed with a guy I have to look at my dad's
name all over his underwear.
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Kevin Kline
: US actor
I remember our teacher sent us to see a local production of
King Lear at the university and I just made out with my girlfriend and
then we left.
In French Kiss:
(In French) I love the sea, so
beautiful, so mysterious ... so full of fish.
TOP
Mark Knopfler
: British musician/songwriter
I don't feel pressure. They say, 'How can you follow
Brothers in Arms?' But it's only a record, only band playing and touring.
It's not the Second Coming.
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Beyonce Knowles
: US
pop singer/actress
At the Billboard Awards my skirt was so tight
they had to lift me on stage.
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Barbara Knox
: British actress
As Rita Sullivan in
Coronation Street:
I'll say this for sherry - it really makes you fancy a
vodka.
TOP
Sue Kolinsky
: US comedienne
I would love to speak
a foreign language but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
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Anna Kournikova
: Russian tennis player
I'm like a menu at an expensive restaurant, you can look at
me, but you can't afford me.
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Lisa Kudrow
: US actress
As Phoebe Buffay in Friends:
If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, then
please give me money so I can buy a computer.
To Ross:
Remember that time on the frozen lake? We were playing chess, you said I
was boring and then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron
Diaz! .... Ok, there's a CHANCE that this may have been a dream.
(Chandler: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You
believe in that karma crap, don't you?) Yeah,
by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.
(Animal Control: Okay, are you aware that possession of
an illegal exotic animal is punishable by two years in prison and
confiscation of the animal?) Oh my god, you'd
put that poor little creature in jail?
Oh, that explains it, because
she called me around 2 a.m. At first all I could hear were little squeaky
sounds so I thought maybe it was a mouse or a possum - but then I thought,
"where would a mouse or a possum get the money to make a phone call?
(Tag: Phoebe. That's a nice name).
You think that's nice, you should hear my phone number.
(Monica: Oh, you're breaking up with Tony?)
Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I don't
know if it's me, or his hunger strike, or, I don't know.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his
tree. Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls.
(When Monica assk her to guess what she’s thinking):
Oh. Okay: How it's been so long since you've had sex, you wonder if
they've changed it? Was I even close?
But just be careful, all right? Rachel's not in the same
place you are. (Ross: If the place you are referring to is being in
love, then she is in the same place as me because I am not in that place!)
Okay, I didn't understand that, but you know, maybe that's because you
were speaking the secret language of love!
(Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?)
Oh, I wish I could but I don't want to.
Look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a
lot, y'know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and why won't he
give it up? (Joey : Maybe he drives his car on the other side of the
road, if ya know what I mean). No, whad'ya mean? He's not British.
(Singer: Okay, my next song's called: Phoebe Buffay,
What Can I Say. I Really Loved When We Were Singing Partners, And I
Shouldn't Have Left You That Way). Oh no, one
of those 'look for the hidden meaning' songs.
Oh, I'm Phoebe Buffay. I'm one of Ross's best friends.
(Mrs. Waltham: Where did you get this number?) I got it from your
maid. She's a bitch, but I wore her down.
I may play the fool at times but I'm a little more than
just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit.
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