Glenda Jackson
: British Labour MP/former actress
The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and
cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think
of my sex life.
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Michael Jackson
: US pop singer/songwriter/dancer
I was a veteran before I was a teenager.
Addressing the Oxford University Union:
Friends, I do not claim to have the academic expertise of other speakers
who have addressed this hall, just as they could not lay claim to being
adept at the Moonwalk - and you know, Einstein in particular was really
terrible at that.
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Elizabeth Jagger
: British model
Yoga is a load of crap.
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Mick Jagger
:
British lead singer and songwriter in The Rolling Stones
I'd rather be dead than singing "Satisfaction" when I'm
forty-five.
People have this obsession. They want you to be like you
were in 1969. They want you to, because otherwise their youth goes with
you.
'Course I don't know how much the bloody tube fare costs, I
don't have to.
TOP
Clive James
:
Australian
journalist/poet/novelist/reviewer/comedian/tv host
Everyone has a right to a
university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology.
Referring to Murray Walker: In his
quieter moments he sounds like his trousers are on fire.
The British Secret Service was staffed at one point almost
entirely by alcoholic homosexuals working for the KGB.
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Sid
James
:
British (South Africa-born) comedy actor
As Charlie Roper in
Carry On Doctor:
(Matron:
It's certainly a very puzzling case, Doctor). (Dr. Tinkle: It's an
enigma, that's what it is. An enigma).
I am not having another one of those.
TOP
David Jason
: British actor
As Del
Boy in Only Fools & Horses:
You didn't honestly believe all that rubbish did you, that
you and them wallies were destined for the Albert Hall, Carnegie Hall ....
the only hall you were destined for was sod-all!
I eat on the move - a mobile phone in one hand and a Pot
Noodle in the other.
TOP
Wyclef Jean
: US
(Haiti-born) musician/singer
Me and a girl went out in a canoe one night and just sat in
each other’s arms. Then she ruined it by farting.
What I want to know when I meet a lady is, can she cook? I
am guilty of going home with a girl I’m not interested in just so I can
have a good meal.
TOP
Rich Jeni
: US comedian/actor/tv host
On going to war
over religion:
You're basically killing each other to see who's got the
better imaginary friend.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a
son-of-a-bitch.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that,
you're in.
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who
do.
The Web brings people together because no matter what kind
of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals
out there. Type in, 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on
fire,' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.
TOP
Billy Joel
: US
musician/singer/songwriter
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut
butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
TOP
Jake Johansen
: US comedian
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede
jacket. “You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?'” she sneered. I
replied in a psychotic tone, “I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have to kill you too.”
TOP
Elton John
: British
singer/songwriter
I'm the Connie Francis of rock 'n' roll.
There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of
your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the
line at goats.
TOP
Terry Jones
: British writer/director/actor/comedian/member of the Monty Python team
In Monty Python’s Flying Circus:
As the Waitress in the Spam sketch:
Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and
spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage
and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon
spam tomato and spam.
...or Lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a mornay sauce
served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with
truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
(Have you got anything without spam?)
Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
As Mandy Cohen
in The Life of Brian:
(We are three wise
men).
Well what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o’clock in the
morning? That doesn’t sound very wise to me.
Now, you listen here! He's not the Messiah. He's a very
naughty boy! Now, go away!
TOP
Tom Jones
: British singer
I'll be around until the green, green grass is
turned into a car park.
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Tommy Lee Jones
: US actor
My thanks to the Academy for the very finest, greatest
award that any actor can ever receive.
The only thing a man can say at a time like this is -- I am not
really bald.
I've discovered that the secret to comedy is to work for a
director who knows everything about it; a man like Barry Sonnenfeld. Once
you do that all you have to do is stand next to Will Smith. He's going to
be funny. And if you stand there long enough, people think you're funny
too.
TOP
Erica Jong
: US writer
Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a
man.
You see a lot of smart
guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb
guy.
TOP
Ulrika Jonsson
: British (Swedish-born) tv host/author
See the
OOPS! page.
TOP
Jordan
:
British glamour model
On childbirth: They kept
trying to sponge down my face with cool water and all I could do was
shout, “Be careful of my hair!” because I didn’t want it to go all curly.
Referring to her own breast implants : The thing is,
I wish I'd done it the American way, like Victoria's done - the stuck-on
look.
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