Eric Idle
: British writer/actor/comedian/member of the Monty Python
team
A lot has been said about politics; some of it
complimentary, but most of it accurate.
In Monty Python’s
Flying Circus:
As Watkins in
the Army Protection Racket sketch:
I’d like to leave the army, sir. (Good heavens, man,
why?) It’s dangerous.
(Watkins, why did
you join the army?)
For the water-skiing and for the travel, sir.
In the Nudge Nudge sketch:
Is, uh,...Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know
whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more!
Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as
good as a wink to a blind bat!
As Stig O’Tracey in the Piranha Brothers
sketch:
Well he had to, didn't he? I mean there was nothing else he
could do, be fair. I had transgressed the unwritten law. (What had you
done?) Er... well he didn't tell me that, but he gave me his word
that it was the case, and that's good enough for me with old Dinsy. I
mean, he didn't *want* to nail my head to the floor. I had to insist. He
wanted to let me off. He'd do anything for you, Dinsdale would.
…… Old Dinsy. He was a real darling. (I understand he
also nailed your wife's head to a coffee table?) Well he did do that,
yeah. He was a hard man. Vicious but fair.
As the Tourist in the Travel Agent sketch:
……… And being herded into endless Hotel Miramars and
Bellvueses and Bontinentales with their modern international luxury
roomettes and draught Red Barrel and swimming pools full of fat German
businessmen pretending they're acrobats forming pyramids and frightening
the children and barging into queues and if you're not at your table spot
on seven you miss the bowl of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup, the first
item on the menu of International Cuisine, and every Thursday night the
hotel has a bloody cabaret in the bar, featuring a tiny emaciated dago
with nine-inch hips and some bloated fat tart with her hair Brylcreemed
down and a big arse presenting Flamenco for Foreigners ……
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Celia Imrie
: British actress
As Babs in
Acorn Antiques:
You're right. Gosh I am awful. Here I am blabbing away
about my own troubles and I never asked you about your husband's car
crash. (Mrs Overall: “Oh he's dead, Miss Babs. In fact I was
going to ask you if I could have a couple of hours off on Thursday for the
funeral”). Of course. Just pop back at five for the hoovering.
As I say, it certainaly sounds like a genuine Picasso,
Martin, but I would have to see it to be sure. Bye.
What was that terrible noise? It sounded like a tray of
coffee being dropped on someone who's just been electrocuted.
As Philippa In
Dinnerladies:
I've never had sex at Christmas before. Sex and no sprouts,
I'm so excited!
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Molly Ivins
: US journalist
Michael Jackson was a poor black boy who grew up to
be a rich white woman.
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Eddie Izzard
: British
comedian/writer/actor
I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
They tend to come out
a colour called ‘pants left in the wash’.
You piss me off you
Salmon ... you're too expensive in restaurants
I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.
I'm an Action Transvestite.
Thimbles is what I really want to talk about. Because you
know they don't get enough press do they? I don't know if they ever did!?
But you very rarely see "THIMBLES! Ooooohh!", says man. You know what I
mean. Because my Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you
if you slip with the needle and the needle goes up the arm and into brain
and then death! And before thimbles were invented it was, "NEEDLE DEATH!:
Tragic! Strikes whole family of sewers. If only thimbles were invented",
says psychic man in big hat... and beard to match. Thimbles compulsory for
children in minibuses.
People think I'm on drugs and I'm not, I'm really quite you
know... just me coffee. When I take drugs I start going "Oooohh!
insurance? and pensions...very sensible." So don't do drugs or you'll end
up like that.
Cats have a scam going. You buy them the food, they eat it,
and they go away... unless it's
raining. You can't say "Cat! Be in by six! I don't want you back later!
Don't you stay out... Oh, god... And don't take the car!" Vrrooom.
And they have this new improved thing, with cat and dog
food, new improved, and who knows? Who checks? You have to give it to your
dog, and say "Is it new improved?" And the dog goes "I don't know, I'm a
dog". They eat anything dogs, bit of sofa, some broken biscuits. Dog goes
"Mmmm. Lovely! A bit of sofa". Cats are much more choosy, they look at
their food, "OK. Hmmm, so this is? Right. New improved? Really. Err.. I'm
going out", and they go out the cat door, and you're there going "Come
back! Come back! And don't take the car!”
There are vitamins, and vitamins are great. Vitamin A which
is for uuuruh. Vitamin B which is also good for uuuruh. Vitamin C is good
for Scurvy, isn't it. And there's a lot of scurvy about these days, people
ringing into work saying, "Can't come into work today, got scurvy. Yes,
well I live on a houseboat."
(The fog in San Fransisico)
goes faster than the taxis! ....... Of which there are 5!!!!!!!
You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the
entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop,
everything in here is FRESH! I will do well to shop here' You never go
straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you?
You'd think 'this is a POO shop! Everything in here is themed on POO!' "
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