H

Buddy Hackett : US actor/comedian

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

As Elaine Dickinson in Airplane!

(Rumack: Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?) No.

There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

TOP

William Hague : British politician/former Leader of the Conservative Party

Hoovers remind me of Teresa Gorman. Every now and then it starts whining and you realise the bag needs changing.

TOP

Jerry Hall : US model/actress

The trouble with Mick is that he immatures with age.

I don’t have to worry about drugs with my children. They looked at what they did to Keith Richards and thought, ‘No’.

TOP

Stuart Hall : British radio football commentator/tv presenter/author

See the OOPS! page.

TOP

Mike Hallett : British snooker player

See the OOPS! page.

TOP

Geri Halliwell : British pop singer/former Spice Girl

It ain't easy being cheesy!

We've all got balls, but I’ve got quite big balls, basically.

I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body.

My favorite word is existentialism. I can't say it and I'm not quite sure what it means.

At an awards ceremony in Canada: If only I could find a nice Canadian man to fertilise my eggs.

On performing for British troops serving in Oman: Show me a woman who wouldn’t like performing for a bunch of men in uniform!

When I've finished singing I'll move to Germany and marry a man called Heinz, then we'll live in a little hut and have babies called Hans and Lieselotte.

I’m so into dogs. They’re such good company. I do dog speak to them. I go “Arf arf” and Harry goes “Arf Arf” back to me. I’ve become that sad.

Maybe I should pack up, become a pirate and live by the sea.

I go on dates to Watford cinema and no-one spots me.

I think a lot of people thought that I was just some very bendy girl lost in la-la-land.

TOP

Christine Hamilton : Media personality/author/chat show host/wife of former Tory MP, Neil Hamilton

Answering accusations of a serious sexual assault on a young woman: The whole thing is nonsense on stilts.

And: If charges are brought then I give up on the police. It is mind-boggling that it has got this far. If they bring charges, well, in the famous words of somebody else, then I'm a banana.

To Louis Theroux during the tv programme ‘When Louis Met The Hamiltons’: Neil knows my penchant for attractive men, why shouldn't I sit here holding your knee? It is just friendship, there is no sex involved.

When trying botox on a tv programme: I like to use my face .... that's why I am a bit apprehensive. That's what my husband likes about me - what he calls my mobile face - and I don't want it disappearing.

After appearing on ‘I’m A Celebrity: Get Me Out Of Here’: Obviously there was the odd moment when I could happily have murdered my campmates.

On Tara Palmer-Tomkinson: She's several sandwiches short of a picnic.

Well, I don't know who the great British public think cleans out the loo in the Hamilton household, but I can tell you, it's not Neil.

Referring to her mother: She’s an unguided missile.

TOP

Neil Hamilton : Author/broadcaster/media personality/former Tory MP/husband of Christine Hamilton

During the tv programme ‘When Louis Met The Hamiltons’ as he shows Louis Theroux a room in his house where Margaret Thatcher had once changed: And this is the lavatory seat upon which the Thatcherial bottom reposed. (Christine Hamilton: Neil, stop it!) Oh this is very vulgar because everybody knows that like the Queen, Margaret Thatcher doesn't have to go to the loo.

After opening/riding a new white-knuckle ride at Pleasureland, in Southport: I've spent 30 years on the political roller-coaster - the difference being that this one's enjoyable and there's a softer landing. He also described the ride as “better than sex.”

TOP

Butch Hancock : US musician/singer/songwriter

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.

TOP

Nick Hancock : British tv/radio presenter/writer

When Peter Beardsley appears on television, daleks hide behind the sofa.

TOP

Tony Hancock : British comedian/actor

Does `Magna Carta' mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain?

TOP

John Handey : US comic writer/narrator on ‘Saturday Night Live’

To me, it's always a good idea to carry around two sacks of something when you can walk around. That way if anyone asks you for a hand, you can say 'Sorry, I've got these sacks.'

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

TOP

Tom Hanks : US actor

If you have to have a job in this world, a high-priced movie star is a pretty good gig.

TOP

Daryl Hannah : US actress

I feel like I’m about seven. I always get shocked when I look in the mirror and see a grown-up.

TOP

Jeremy Hardy : British political comedian/writer/broadcaster

Men drive too fast, we were told, because the car is an extension of the penis. But if it were, men would surely not drive too fast; they would just back in and out of the garage. Or maybe just polish it all the time.

In response to the question “Did your life change at 40?” No, my age changed. They say life begins at 40 but I think it just takes 40 years to realise it’s already started.

I quite like those fizzy Vitamin C drinks. They’re like Fanta without the comedown.

A man’s sperm count can be adversely affected by factors like heat, caffine and alcohol, so avoid dipping your plums in Irish coffee before sex.

It annoys me that people talk about apathy. I tend to think that people are just totally disenchanted with Westminster politics. They are more interested in globalisation – politics is happening on the streets. People don’t want to take part in what’s become a beauty contest and not a very pretty one. I’m not holding out for the swimsuit section.

……. But I also really like the radio. There’s something very old-fashioned about it. It’s a cliché but TV supplants the imagination whereas radio feeds it. People listen to me on the radio and think of me as a tall, handsome Afro-Caribbean woman, because they haven’t got a picture in their head of who I am.

TOP

Harriet Harman : British Labour MP

See the OOPS! page.

TOP

Woody Harrelson : US actor

As Woody Boyd in Cheers:

Aw Sam, all I’ve done my whole life is think, think, think.

Boy, Dr. Sternin-Crane having an affair with another guy. This reminds me of a terrible scandal we had back in Hanover, rocked the whole town to its core. Mayor's wife ran off with old Mr. Smithers. (Frasier Crane: Well, that's not so scandalous, Woody). Well, Mr. Smithers was a goat.

TOP

George Harrison : British musician/singer/songwriter/former member of The Beatles

When asked by a reporter "What do you do when you're cooped up in a hotel room between shows?" We ice skate.

To George Martin: Well, I don't like your tie for a start.

American girls seem to have these massive bottoms.

(Have you got a leading lady for your movie?) We're trying to get the Queen. She sells.

I'm a tidy sort of bloke. I don't like chaos. I kept records in the record rack, tea in the tea caddy, and pot in the pot box.

TOP

Russell Harty : British tv host

There was life before Coronation Street but it didn't amount to much.

TOP

Harvey : British MC in So Solid Crew

On why he refused to watch Mis-Teeq’s show at London’s G.A.Y. club: It’s good for gay people and that kind of thing, but I had to say no. I don’t want no man lusting after me. I believe in Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

TOP

David Hasselhoff : US actor

I've got taste. It's been inbred in me.

See also the OOPS! page.

TOP

Goldie Hawn : US actress

All I ever wanted to do was run a dance school and marry a Jewish dentist.

TOP

Sir Nigel Hawthorne : British actor

As Sir Humphrey Appleby in Yes Minister:

Well, it's clear that the committee has agreed that your new policy is a really excellent plan but in view of some of the doubts being expressed, may I propose that I recall that after careful consideration, the considered view of the committee was that while they considered that the proposal met with broad approval in principle, that some of the principles were sufficiently fundamental in principle and some of the considerations so complex and finely balanced in practice, that, in principle, it was proposed that the sensible and prudent practice would be to submit the proposal for more detailed consideration, laying stress on the essential continuity of the new proposal with existing principles, and the principle of the principle arguments which the proposal proposes and propounds for their approval, in principle.

(Jim Hacker: Opposition's about asking awkward questions). And government is about not answering them.

(Jim Hacker: Who else is in this department?) Well briefly sir I am the Permanent Undersecretary of State known as the Permanent Secretary, Wooley here is your Principle Private Secretary I too have a Principle Private Secretary, and he is the Principle Private Secretary to the Permanent Secretary, directly responsible to me are ten Deputy Secretaries, eighty-seven Undersecretaries and two hundred and nineteen assistant secretaries, directly responsible to the Principle Private Secretaries are Plain Private Secretaries, and the Prime Minister will be appointing two Parliamentary Undersecretaries and you will be appointing your own Parliamentary Private Secretary.

Followed by: (Jim: Can they all type?) None of us can type Minister, Mrs McKay types, she's the secretary.

Well done Bernard you'll be a moral vacuum yet.

Bernard, subsidy is for art, for culture. It is not to be given to what the people want.

British democracy recognises that you need a system to protect the important things of life, and keep them out of the hands of the barbarians. Things like the Opera, Radio Three, the countryside, the law, the universities ... both of them.

Her Majesty does like the business of government to continue even when there are no politicians around. (Jim Hacker: Bit difficult surely?) Yes ... and no.

(Jim Hacker: Burandan Airways, they are doing well. How many planes have they got?) None.

(Jim: Your eyes Humphrey, what about that one?) That one was chartered from Freddie Laker last week and repainted specially. Actually there was one 747 that belonged to nine different African airlines in one month, they called it the mumbo jumbo.

Bernard, Ministers should never know more than they need to know, then they can't tell anyone. Like secret agents, they could be captured and tortured. (Bernard: You mean be terrorists?) By the BBC, Bernard.

(Jim Hacker: After all we do need a transport policy). If by we you mean Britain that is perfectly true, but if by we you mean you and me and this department we need a transport policy like an aperture in the cranial cavity.

Ministers of course have a whole range of dazzling qualities including ... um ... well, including an enviable intellectual suppleness and moral manoeuvrability.

(Gerald: I don't think he's got much clout in Whitehall, though has he?) None at all, he's just a Minister.

TOP

Charles Hawtrey : British comedy actor

As Dr. Francis A. Goode in Carry On Matron:

(Sir Bernard Cutting: I'm not interested in your wife). That's a coincidence, neither am I.

TOP

Salma Hayek : Mexican actress

I’m grateful for my shortness because if I had been tall, I might have ended up a model or Miss Mexico.

TOP

Robert Hays : US actor

As Ted Striker in Airplane!:

(Old lady: Nervous?) Yes. (Old lady: First time?) No, I've been nervous lots of times.

TOP

Dennis Healey : British Labour politician/former Chancellor of the Exchequer

On Margaret Thatcher: She adds the diplomacy of Alf Garnett to the economics of Arthur Daley.

I often compare Margaret Thatcher with Florence Nightingale. She stalks through the wards of our hospitals as a lady with a lamp. Unfortunately, it's a blowlamp.

TOP

Mark Heap : British actor

As Brian Topp in Spaced:

I see all my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see as ... watch.

I'm trying to avoid cliches by not putting my brush on the canvas.

TOP

Patricia Heaton : US actress

(On why being famous is cool) : ...[My husband and I] were doing a photo shoot for People magazine, and we were walking down Park Avenue, and the photographer was walking backwards and shooting us as we were walking...[And my husband] said, 'Don't you think this is strange?...You walk down the street [with people] taking pictures of you, and [other] people kind of turn their heads to see who is being photographed.' And I said, 'You know, actually, this is the way I've always thought people should respond to me.'

(On her first kis.with Ray Romano) : I learned that I was the only actress who would actually kiss him during the audition, and he was basically bit. I asked [him beforehand about the kiss]--it was part of the scene--and I said, 'Do you mind? Is that okay if we do that?' I mean, I always think if you don't know the other actor, you really need to be conscious, be respectful...Later, I heard it was like, 'We should hire her, because she's willing to kiss Ray.'

As Debra Barone in Everybody Loves Raymond:

(Raymond and Debra are planning their wedding in a flashback. Ray: You're already planning the wedding?) I've been planning it since I was 12. (Ray: But you didn't meet me until you were 22). Well, you're the last piece of the puzzle.

I just kissed you, rubbed your chest, kissed you again in an impure manner - you never took your eyes off the TV! Ten years ago all I had to do was be awake …. Sometimes not even that!

TOP

Jimi Hendrix : African-American rock musician/guitarist

It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life.

TOP

Lenny Henry : British comedian/actor

I'd stay away from Ecstasy. This is a drug so strong it makes white people think they can dance.

TOP

Katherine Hepburn : US actress

Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

TOP

George Herbert : British poet

Love and a cough cannot be hidden.

TOP

Harry Hershfield : US humorist

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

TOP

Jennifer Love Hewitt : US actress

My breasts have a career of their own. Theirs is going better.

I would just love once to be called sexy. Just because it would make me something other than cute.

I just accepted them [her cleavage] as a great accessory to every outfit.

TOP

Charlie Higson : British comedian/actor/novelist

From The Fast Show:

As Swiss Toni:

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It’s got to be hot, you’ve got to take your time, you’ve got to stir gently but firmly, you’ve got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak ...loudly and clearly ... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You ... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is ... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod over, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

Oh no, coffee is quite foul, Paul! It’s like the strainings from the Devil’s jockstrap.

As the 13^th Duke of Wybourne:

Me? The 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a French maid's finishing school? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation?

TOP

Benny Hill : British comedian/actor

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

TOP

Damon Hill : British F1 racing driver/1996 World Champion/businessman/guitarist

(Murray Walker: When did you first become aware you had a puncture?) When the tyre went down, Murray.

On the eve of his last Grand Prix, during his final press conference: I haven't seen a gathering like this since 1996. I should retire more often.

TOP

Harry Hill : British comedian

Well, I've had a terrible week. I've had that, erm, Anthrax, have you had that? Diarrhoea, blood in the urine, the liver was disintegrating .... and i found the only thing that really helped .... was Lemsip. Just took the edge off.

My mum had a system for feeding us - your mum was probably the same - the system she used was the 'Scoop-Chop System', you're probably familiar with it. Up until the age of five, we were allocated one scoop of mash and one chop. From the ages of five to eight, we were allocated two scoops of mash, and one chop, or the fish-finger equivalent. From the age of eight onwards, we were allocated two scoops of mash, two chops. That was the top level, she wouldn't budge from there. You could be 16, you could be 60 - two scoops, two chops. Well, you can imagine, you get to about 30 or 31, and you want a little more mash …. is that so dirty? So what we did …. one night, we snuck into her kitchen, and we substituted her mash scoop for one ever-so-slightly larger …. only ever-so-slightly …. That night she’s dolling out mash, unbeknownst to her, from a slightly larger scoop. We’re getting a tiny bit of extra mash! The next night, we snuck, and we substituted that scoop for one ever-so-slightly larger – not so she’d notice – and that night, she’s dolling out mash from a slightly larger scoop! The night after that, we snuck - we kept all the scoops in a lock-up garage – we substituted that scoop for one ever-so-slightly larger, not so she’d notice, mind! We’re getting slightly more mash! The night after that, we snuck, we substituted ……… Three years later she’s dolling out mash from a scoop the size of a paddling pool! She’s employing two small boys, they start work at 7am, peeling and mashing …. but to be honest with you, it was too much mash! We’re only getting two chops, remember ….

My dad always told me to fight fire with fire, and thats probably why he got thrown out of the fire service.

Well my Nan, oh yeah she gets things mixed up. She gets the hair drier mixed up with the telephone .... you might have seen her around .... wet hair, chapped lips.

The almond, have pity on the almond …. too broad and flat to be a peanut, its shell too easily shed for it to be a pistachio .... not wrinkled enough to be a walnut, not curly enough to be a cashew .... the almond!

I was out shoplifting with my Nan .... we're doing Woolworths, I'm on Bargain Bucket, she's on Pick'n'Mix. Well they arrested me, and straight away they arrested Nan. I don't know whether they'd seen us come in together, or associated the pair of us together .... or whether it was me shouting "Run Nan! Save yourself!!!"

What is it about people who repair shoes, that makes them so good at cutting keys?

You know when people say they've been abducted by aliens, they always describe them, and it's always the same hmm? A big head, and big black eyes! Well I wonder, whether far from being abducted by aliens, they've actually been abducted by pandas! You've been abducted by pandas .... you lie and say aliens! But at night time, when darkness falls, the nightmares return .... "Noooooo, Chi Chi nooooooo!!! No more bamboo!!!"

It takes sixteen snowy owls to stuff a pillow .... a tragic waste of life - but ooh! So comfy!

Well, I got the wrong photos back from the developers, oh yeah! Instead of my photographs - 36 exposures of the west coast of Ireland - I got 12 photographs of a middle-aged Indian lady, breast feeding her baby. And a little tip - if you are going to have table mats made of your photos .... make sure you see 'em first!

We had a middle-aged lady friend of my Mum's round for dinner the other night. She's an Indian lady, just had a baby …. and I knew I recognized her face from somewhere! Unfortunately, I'd already put the table mats out ....

David - he so small .... Goliath - he so big! He'll never be able to .... oh he has, look, I knew he could do it.

I swan about the place .... I duck flying objects .... I goose a lady friend ... What is it about the aquatic birds, that lends them so to the doing words?

I wonder what kind of bird Humpty Dumpty would have hatched into eh? Sadly, we'll never know.

It's all very well collecting and re-using carrier bags, but when that starts to interfere with drawer-opening, you've got a problem.

Apparently, you can tell a lot about someone's personality from what they're like ....

Of course, if you drop a bible from a great height, you can kill a field mouse can't you? So maybe the bible isn't all good ....

Remember when Sellotape came out? Oh, the excitement! Smooth on one side, sticky on the other!

Spare a thought for the poor, anaemic, albino cousin of the bourbon biscuit .... the custard cream!

The thing about heroin is ... it's very more-ish, apparently.

TOP

Jimmy Hill : British football presenter/pundit

See the OOPS! page.

TOP

Ian Hislop : British editor of Private Eye/writer

Internet journalism is not a world we know very well at all. It's conducted more on the screen and less in bars, which makes it rather less useful for getting stories about people throwing up over one another, which is what one's after.

On Have I Got News For You:

(Christine Hamilton: Darling I’ve been waiting for you to invite me back … give & a half years I’ve had to wait). Not long enough.

TOP

Alfred Hitchcock : US film director/actor

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

TOP

Dustin Hoffman : US actor

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

A good review from the critics is just another stay of execution.

TOP

Bob Hope : US comedian/actor

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees. The liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

TOP