Sophie Dahl
: British model
On smoking: It’s like being back at
school; one is constantly looking for a suitable bike shed.
Standing in a room full of 17-year-old naked Brazilian
girls is not a good experience for anyone.
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Matt Damon
: US actor/screenwriter
I still think about ways I could have played scenes. And
I'll never get to do them again - unless we do 'Good Will On Ice’.
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Darius Danesh
: British singer/Pop Idol contestant
To Simon Cowell on Pop Idol:
Simon, with your trousers being so high, you might want to undo them one
notch because they might be restricting the blood flow to your head.
I'm tall and dark. Two out of three isn't bad.
On his rendition of the Tom Jones classic ‘It’s Not
Unusual’: I think the spirit of the Welshman
really injected something into my pelvic thrusts, because I just let rip.
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Rodney Dangerfield
: US actor/comedian
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my
life. In fact, I've just had a mirror placed over my kitchen table.
I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke
out.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I
was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a
friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
A girl phoned me the other day and said...Come on over, there's nobody
home. I went over. Nobody was home.
When I was born...the doctor came out to the waiting room
and said to my father..."I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...But
he still pulled through."
My mother had morning sickness - after I was born.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it
had an olive in it.
I'm a bad drinker. I got loaded one night the next day they
picked me up. I was in front of a judge. He said, "You're here for
drinking." I said, "O.K., Your Honor, let's get started."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next
Tuesday.
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Ted Danson
: US actor
As Sam in Cheers:
(Diane: And everyone knows that hate is not the opposite
of love. Indifference is). Well, whatever you say. I really don't care.
(To Diane in court):
To me, our relationship makes perfect sense. You want me to propose to
you, I propose to you. You say no, I say fine, I never wanna see you
again. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose again, I do,
you turn me down. Next thing I know I'm in a court of law where I've got
to propose to you or go to jail. It's the classic American love story.
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Clarence Darrow :
U.S. lawyer, lecturer, and author
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become
President; I'm beginning to believe it.
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Alan Davies
: British comedian/actor
On having been prosecuted for speeding in Essex:
The police said I was doing between 106 and 108 miles
per hour – “107 then,” I said.
There's a lot to do when you're a kid - spiders to catch,
girls to poke in the eye - stuff to be getting on with.
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Barry Davies
: British football commentator
See
the OOPS! page.
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Bette Davis
: US actress
I am just too much.
I should never have married, but I didn't want to live
without a man. Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in
marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Sex is God's joke on human beings.
Old age is no place for sissies.
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Liz Dawn :
British actress
As Vera Duckworth in
Coronation Street:
On Jack’s attitude
to healthy eating: He think's brown bread's white that's gone
mouldy.
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Les Dawson
: British comedian
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble
was, it was my own.
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Simon Day
: British
comedian/actor
From The Fast Show:
As Carl Hooper: G'day, an' welcome to "That's
Amazing" with me, Carl Hooper. What would you do, if you were walkin' down
the road one night, an' ya came face to face with a monster? (Slight
pause). That's right - a terrifying monster. Well, Dick
Wellington here did just that. He came face to face with his wife.
(Slight pause, laugh). No! No, he didn't. So, tell us about your
monster dick. I mean... tell us about your monster, Dick.
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Julia Deakin
: British actress
As Marsha Klein in
Spaced:
Once again the fruit of my loins has fucked off
to Top Shop with the housekeeping.
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Dizzy Dean
: US baseball player
See also the
OOPS! page.
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Angus Deayton
: British tv show host/humorist
I have an English father and a Scottish mother, which means
I'm both stuck up AND mean.
I suppose footballers come pretty high up on the list now
in terms of shagability. I think the most prestigious date must still be a
rock star but then footballers probably come second, then actors, fireman,
insurance brokers, then TV quiz show hosts.
On Have I Got News For You:
Reading a quote out loud: “None of us could quite
understand why John was blocking Edwina’s peerage.”
Well I’ve heard some euphorisms for it but …..
See also the
OOPS! page.
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Jack Dee
: British comedian
One of my friends went on a murder weekend..... now
he is doing life for it ...
The only decent thing the internet
has done is jail Gary Glitter.
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Ellen Degeneres
: US actress
I ask people why they
have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a
beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I
have photographs of her.
You have to stay in
shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was
60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
Perhaps I should have become The Artist Formely Known as
Lesbian.
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be
light!" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it
a whole lot better.
I'm a godmother, that's great thing to be, a godmother. She
calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
The 1960s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really,
really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the shows
then like The Flying Nun.
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the
front of the letter. They write `over' on the bottom of the letter. Like
I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't
there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: `And so Kathy and I went
shopping and we--' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she just
ended it that way.
Quit school, join a gang,
is my message to youth. Smoke as many cigarettes as you can. Try the
different brands, find out what is right for you.
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Judi Dench : British actress
Stage actresses are always
banging on about how great roles dry up when you’re between 50 and 80.
But for movies they always seem to need some old bat shuffling aorund in a
wheelchair and I’m perfectly happy with the thought of that.
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Robert de Niro
: US actor
You'll have time to rest when you're dead.
I don't like to watch my own movies - I fall
asleep in my own movies.
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Hugh Dennis
: British comedian/actor
On the mystery first rollover Lottery winner:
All we know is he's Asian and he doesn't want anyone to
know who he is or where he lives, which means it must be Salman Rushdie.
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Patrick Dennis
: US author
I always start writing with a clean piece of paper
and a dirty mind.
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Johnny Depp
: US actor
The only gossip I'm interested in is things from the
Weekly World News - 'Woman's bra bursts, 11 injured'. That kind of
thing.
On his arrest in London for allegedly threatening the
paparazzi: The beauty, the poetry of the fear
in their eyes. I didn't mind going to jail for, what, five, six hours? It
was absolutely worth it.
I'm an old-fashioned guy …. I want to be an old man with a
beer belly sitting on a porch, looking at a lake or something.
I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion
just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
When kids hit 1 year old, it's like hanging out with a
miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They
laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit.
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Diana, Princess of Wales
I'm as thick as a plank.
Being a princess isn't all it's cracked up to be.
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Cameron Diaz
: US actress
I’ve been checking my breasts in the mirror since I was
20. I actually like waking up in the morning and chasing my tits around
the back. I can’t wait until I’m wrapping them around my waist or tucking
them into my socks.
If you really want to torture me, sit me in a room strapped
down to a chair and put Mariah Carey on. Over and over again. That would
be eternal hell for me. I mean it. The worst.
My dad always used to tell me that if they challenge you to
an after-school fight, tell them you won't wait - you can kick their ass
right now.
I'm a salty, greasy girl. I give every French fry a fair
chance. Could you just lay some lard in my belly?
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Leonardo DiCaprio
: US actor
I'm probably not going to get married unless I live with
somebody for 10 or 20 years. But these people (Romeo and Juliet) took a
chance and they did it. We don't have the balls that Romeo did.
I was in a restaurant the
other night, and all the girls ignored me .... it was so annoying.
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Angie Dickinson
: US actress
I dress for women, and undress for men.
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P Diddy (aka
Puff Daddy/Sean Combs) : US rap
artist/producer/businessman
I go to my local supermarket around midnight – you can meet
a nice woman there. I kill two birds with one stone.
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Phyllis Diller
: US comedienne/actress
Be nice to your children, for they will choose
your rest home.
What I don't like about office Christmas
parties is looking for a job the next day.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a
millionaire looks like.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.
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Tommy Docherty
: British football manager
I've always said there's a place for the press, but
they haven't dug it yet.
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Ken Dodd :
British comedian
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the
children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
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Mickey Dolenz
: US
drummer/singer/actor formerly of The Monkees
With all due respect to the world's great
drummers - it ain't brain surgery.
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Fats Domino
: US musician/singer/songwriter
A lot of
fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't
have a J.O.B.
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Declan Donnelly
: One half of British tv presenting
duo Ant & Dec (formerly pop duo PJ & Duncan)
Describing
a group of frantic fans holding up handwritten signs:
Point your Erection in my Direction - that was another one.
In response to the question “If you could be a girl for
a day, what would you do?” I'd probably go
shopping, 'cause girls love shopping don't they? There are always loads of
clothes shops for girls, so I'd take advantage of that, and then I'd play
with my boobs for a bit.
On
SM:tv:
(Postbag section of the show): I came into the
office this week and someone said "Dec, you've got a big package" ……… and
look what they gave me!
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Daisy Donovan
: British comedy
actress
I was in a
treetop bar in Nepal one time, looking down I saw the sad sight of two
Siamese dogs: two bodies, two heads, and seven legs. I could see some
children laughing at it and I thought, ‘That's not very nice, laughing at
a Siamese dog’ - at which point one dog gave the most almighty tug and
pulled its leg out of the other dog's arse, and all the children
applauded. I suspect they put it there.
In response to “If
you had to make the choice between you or Brooklyn Beckham dying this
instant, who would you choose?’’
No question: Brooklyn. He's gone. He's off the cliff.
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Michael Douglas
: US actor
The difficulty of doing a sex scene is that sex is the one
thing in movies that your entire audience knows about. Nobody in the
audience has been killed and most haven't taken a bullet or been in a
brutal fight. Lovemaking, everybody's an expert.
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Robert Downey Jr.
: US actor (& one time prison inmate)
Accepting his Golden Globe award:
I just want to share this with my fellow parolees, I mean nominees.
I know very little about acting. I’m just an incredibly
gifted faker.
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Mark Draper
: British footballer
See
the OOPS! page.
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Minnie Driver
: British actress
People go “You look a lot like Minnie Driver.” Once I
said, “Thanks, Minnie is a great actress.” But, it blew up in my face.
This person said, “Nah, didn't like the last movie she did.”
I'd prefer not to be the pretty thing in a film. It's such
a bloody responsibility to look cute, because people know when you don't
and they're like, "They're trying to pass her off as the cute girl and
she's looking like a bedraggled sack of potatoes.”
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David Duchovny
: US actor
Sometimes when I'm swimming, I think that maybe someday
I'll put my red Speedo up for auction. Or maybe I'll donate it to the
Smithsonian. They can stuff it with two plums and a gherkin and put it on
display.
I love dogs. They live in the moment and don't care about
anything except affection and food. They're loyal and happy. Humans are
just too damn complicated.
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Duke of Devonshire
I dreamt that I was
making a speech in the House. I woke up, and by Jove I was!
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Robert Duncan
: British actor
As Gus
Hedges in Drop The Dead Donkey:
Just a thought I wanted to pop into your
fishbowl to see if it blows bubbles.
There is just something I'd like to pop into
your percolator, see if it comes out brown.
Jill, could you come for a brief scuba in my think tank?
Morning, mountaineers. Climbing the north face of
newsmaking again are we? Terrific!
Helen, if I could just park in your mental multi-story a
moment .…
If Mrs. Whitehouse saw this, she'd have our collective
danglies in a Magi-Mix.
From now on I'm going to employ relaxation techniques to
turn off stress river and mosey gently down contentment creek.
I feel a very real sense that we ought to be wary of
running any unsubstansiated stories if we're to avoid a faeces and fan
situation.
Yes, well, I sense we may be straying down Tangent
Boulevard here.
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Melvin Durai
: India-born, U.S.-based
humorist/writer/stand-up comedian
The weather is the
only thing man is powerless against, other than PMS.
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Adam Duritz
: US lead singer and songwriter with the band Counting Crows
Fortunately I don't get stage fright .... I just get
rest-of-life fright.
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Will Durst
: US political satirist
I hate the outdoors. To me, the outdoors is
where the car is.
President Buchanan: "What's
flat, green and glows? Afghanistan, tomorrow."
President Clinton: "Hey Osama,
how ya doing buddy. Listen, my staff tells me you have five wives. Can
that be right? One question. How's that working out for you?"
President Newt: No, I'm sorry, that's
scarier than the Janet Reno Swimsuit Calendar.
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Lou Duva
: US veteran boxing trainer
See the
OOPS! page.
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Bob Dylan
: US singer/songwriter
Don't ask me nothin' about nothin'. I just might tell you
the truth.
Being noticed can be a burden. Jesus got himself crucified
because he got himself noticed. So I disappear a lot.
Money doesn't talk, it swears.
I accept chaos, I'm not sure whether it accepts me.
People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is
convenient, then repent.
The radio makes hideous sounds.
What good are fans? You can't eat applause for breakfast.
You can't sleep with it.
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