Herb Caen : US columnist

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.

Michael Caine : British actor

Movie stars, from any serious point of view, are inconsequential. The only people who take movie stars seriously are other movie stars.

In The Italian Job:

It's a very difficult job and the only way to get through it is, we all work together as a team - and that means you do everything I say.

You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!

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Rhona Cameron : British comedienne

I'm a massive television addict: satellite, BBC, Channel 5, I love the lot. As I've got a particular fetish for animal programmes, I tend to leave the National Geographic Channel on more than is strictly healthy.

The whole gay thing bores the arse off me. You don't hear other people asking black people about being black or gay men about being gay. I try not to think about it.

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Truman Capote : US novelist/playwright/short story writer

Referring to Jack Kerouac’s style: That's not writing, that's typing.

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Brian Capron : British actor

On his character, Richard Hillman, in Coronation Street: I kinda see him as an ordinary everyday schizophrenic psychopath.

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Drew Carey : US actor/comedian

I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.

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George Carlin : US comedian/writer

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Those who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music.

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

Why can’t there be more suffering?

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Jim Carrey : Canadian actor

The trouble with real life is that there's no danger music.

If it was up to me, I'd do all my roles naked.

One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Like most Catholic boys, I wanted to be Jesus Christ. I could never get the turn-the-other-cheek thing down, though.

As Ace Ventura:

If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer.

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Jonathan Carroll : US novelist

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.

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Jasper Carrott : British comedian/actor

I am amazed at radio DJs today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass ….

I was standing at a jewellery counter next to a couple of 15 year old girls, who were looking at crucifixes. One said "What do you think?" Her friend said, "It's a bit plain, innit?" Then the first girl said to the assistant, "’xcuse me, have you got one with that little bloke on?”

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Johnny Carson : US television entertainer

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

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Craig Cash : British comedy writer/actor

Just wanted to issue a press release saying 'My friend Caroline has gone a bit bonkers. However, the good news is she's made a lovely wicker basket.’

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Dick Cavett : US talk show host/entertainer

On the tv-violence debate: There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

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Emma Chambers : British actress

As Alice in The Vicar of Dibley:

I remember the first time my budgie Carrot died. He came back to life, you know. A bit like Jesus, but with feathers.

I'm all ears .... well, not all ears. I'm face and tummy and legs and lots of other bits, including some rather private bits I only let a doctor see .....except he wasn't a doctor, and later he got arrested.

Well, I can't believe I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and the stuff I can't believe is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter are not butter, and I believe that they both just might in fact be butter, but in cunning disguises, and in fact there's a lot more butter out there than we believe.

About my sister. She's lovely but .... she's not quite as, you know, on the ball as I am.

You can call me Alice. ‘cause that's my name.

I'm so excited I could just burst like a great big blister when you pop it with a pin!

When he kisses me I get all goosepimply like a great pimply goose!

(Geraldine: What's the capital of France?) F.

Wouldn't it be lovely if some kittens were born with pink fur and you didn't actually have to paint them yourself?

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Jackie Chan : Chinese actor/director/martial arts expert

Listing the body parts he has broken: My skull, my eyes, my nose three times, my jaw, my shoulder, my chest, two fingers, a knee, everything from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet.

A lot of people ask me when I do a stunt, “Jackie, are you scared?” Of course I'm scared. I'm not Superman.

On wanting to be known as more than a martial arts star: When people say Jackie Chan, they wave their hands (in kung fu poses). They don't do that when they say 'Robert De Niro’.

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Raymond Chandler : US author

Chess is the most elaborate waste of human intelligence outside of an advertising agency.

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Ben Chaplin : US actor

Did you know that the two websites about me have both expired? You can always measure your heat by the number of sites, so I guess that’s it for me. I’m just not sexy anymore.

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Graham Chapman : British writer/actor/comedian/member of the Monty Python team

In Monty Python’s Flying Circus:

As Sir John in the Expedition to Lake Pahoe sketch:

There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount.

As Vince Snetterton-Lewis in the Piranha Brothers sketch:

Well one day I was at home threatening the kids when I looks out through the hole in the wall and sees this tank pull up and out gets one of Dinsdale's boys, so he comes in nice and friendly and says Dinsdale wants to have a word with me, so he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Dinsdale's place and Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and two film producers and a man they called 'Kierkegaard', who just sat there biting the heads of whippets, and Dinsdale says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy Clement' and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out and I tell him my name's not Clement and then... he loses his temper and nails me head to the floor.

Yeah but he was very reasonable. One Sunday when my parents were coming round for tea I asked him if he’d mind very much not nailing my head to the floor that week and he agreed and just screwed my pelvis to a cake stand.

As Dad in the Working Class Playwright sketch:

Good! good? What do you know about it? What do you know about getting up at five o'clock in t'morning to fly to Paris .... back at the Old Vic for drinks at twelve, sweating the day through press interviews, television interviews and getting back here at ten to wrestle with the problem of a homosexual nymphomaniac drug-addict involved in the ritual murder of a well known Scottish footballer. That's a full working day, lad, and don't you forget it!

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Craig Charles : British actor/tv compere

As Lister in Red Dwarf:

If God had intended us to fly, he wouldn't have invented Spanish air traffic control.

Your name was never Ace ... maybe 'Acehole'.

I remember when my dad died you know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a couple more people would die so I could complete my Lego set. My grandma tried to explain you know. She said he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back. So I wanted to know where like, you know. She said he was very happy and he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they'd flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just round the U bend you know. I used to stuff food down, you know, and magazines and that for him to read. They took me to a child psychologist in the end because they found me with my head down the bowl reading him the football results.

Put simply, by killing us they killed themselves, because once we were dead it was impossible for us to become them in the future, and return in time to kill ourselves in the past, even though it was the present.

I was thinking - if we get a cell with a trouser press, we can make cheese toasties.

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Cher : US singer

Am I obsessed with the way I look? Ooh...Do you know what I'd like to say to that? I don't give a flying fuck.

The problem with women is that they get all worried and crazy about nothing and then they marry him.

I'm learning English at the moment. I can say "Big Ben", "Hello Rodney", "Tower Bridge" and "Loo".

writer

On Dani Behr, his former co-presenter on The Word: Dani’s like Mogadon on two legs. She’s a 20-minute anecdote with no punchline.

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Winston Churchill : British Prime Minister

In response to Lady Astor’s “Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.”: Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

In response to being told he was drunk: And you, madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning.

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John Ciardi : US poet

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves they have a better idea.

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Tom Clancy : US novelist

The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense.

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Eric Clapton : British guitarist/singer/songwriter

(David Frost: But first of all a question. How is it possible that an affluent white man from Surrey, England, could become the greatest blues guitarist in the world, when blues was after all the music of oppressed black people in the American South? Well it happened and he was awarded the status of a deity by the time he was 25. Clapton is God they said. Clapton is here we say. Ladies and gentleman Eric Clapton). Yes lovely.

It sounds strange for me to be saying this, but I've come around to the idea that sex really is for procreation.

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Sir Arthur C. Clarke : British science fiction writer

It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him.

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Jeremy Clarkson : British tv presenter/writer

Describing Birmingham: …. a rugby team’s bath after they have let the water out, a ring of scum around an empty middle.

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Julian Clary : British comedian

I like a nice warm hand on my entrance.

The English like eccentrics. They just don't like them living next door.

When asked what he thought when he first saw Michael Aspel and his big read This Is Your Life book: I thought, 'He's looking good for his age.' Michael came upon me during the finale of a performance of Cinderella at Richmond Theatre. Also on the bill was Postman Pat. I honestly thought Michael had come for Pat.

When asked who'd win in a fight between him and Dale Winton: I would. I'd grab hold of the loose skin around Dale's jowls, toss him up in the air, jump on his bouncy stomach and then - to really hurt him - I'd run off with his autocue.

When asked what he thought of reality TV shows: Reality TV is great. Jade Goody, Christine Hamilton, Will Young - they all enrich my life.

When asked which tv shows he watched: I like to start my day with Trisha. She'd make a good Prime Minister, I think, or possibly Pope. Other than that I like anything with Tara Hand-Job-Thump-My-Bottom-Tomkinson.

When asked what his favourite books were as a child: Rupert The Bear books. I loved the idyllic countryside he lived in, his mother always in a pinny and the outrageous adventures where he'd be lifted up by a passing eagle and transported to China. It could happen.

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Les Claypool : US bass player/lead singer with the band Primus

In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.

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John Cleese : British writer/actor/comedian/member of the Monty Python team

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.

If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking, "Do you want fries with that?"

In Monty Python’s Flying Circus:

And now for something completely different.

As Ann Elk:

The Theory, by A. Elk, brackets Miss brackets. My theory is along the following lines .….. All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much, much thicker in the middle and then thin again at the far end. That is the theory that I have and which is mine and what it is, too.

As Mr. Vibrating in the Argument Clinic sketch:

(Is this the right room for an argument?) I told you once.

(Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes). (Short pause) No it isn't.

As Mr. Wiggin in the Architects sketch:

Good morning, gentlemen. Uh, this is a twelve-storey block combining classical neo-Georgian features with all the advantages of modern design. Uh, the tenants arrive in the entrance hall here, are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort and past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last 20 ft of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these large contai---

(Are you, uh, proposing to slaughter our tenants?) Does that not fit in with your plans?

As Mr. Praline in the Dead Parrot sketch:

I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

'e's not pinin'! 'e's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'e's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'e's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'e's off the twig! 'e's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

As the Sergeant in the Self Defence Against Fresh Fruit sketch:

Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something, my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me.

As the Presenter in the Piranha Brothers sketch:

Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born, on probation, in a small house in Kipling Road, Southwark, the eldest sons in a family of sixteen. Their father, Arthur Piranha, a scrap metal dealer and TV quizmaster, was well known to the police, and a devout Catholic. In 1928 he had married Kitty Malone, an up-and-coming East End boxer. Doug was born in February 1929 and Dinsdale two weeks later; and again a week after that.

…… they began to operate what they called 'The Operation' .... They would select a victim and then threaten to beat him up if he paid the so-called protection money. Four months later they started another operation which the called 'The Other Operation'. In this racket they selected another victim and threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them. One month later they hit upon 'The Other Other Operation'. In this the victim was threatened that if he didn't pay them, they would beat him up. This for the Piranha brothers was the turning point.

As Alan in the How To Rid The World Of All Known Diseases sketch:

Well, last week we showed you how to become a gynaecologist. And this week on How To Do It we're going to show you how to play the flute, how to split an atom, how to construct a box girder bridge, how to irrigate the Sahara Desert and make vast new areas of land cultivatable, but first, here's Jackie to tell you all how to rid the world of all known diseases.

As Sir in the Kilimanjaro Expedition (Double Vision) sketch:

(And what routes will you both be taking?) Good questions .... shall I? Well we'll be leaving on January 22nd and taking the following routes. The A23s through Purleys down on the main roads near Purbrights avoiding Leatherheads and then taking the A231s entering Rottingdeans from the North. From Rottingdeans we go through Africa to Nairobis. We take the South road out of Nairobis for about twelve miles and then ask.

As Reg in The Life of Brian:

All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?!

As the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail:

(Look, you stupid bastard, you’ve got no arms left!) Yes I have. (Look!) It’s just a flesh wound.

As Basil Fawlty in Fawlty Towers:

No, I don’t want to debate about it. If you’re not over here in 20 minutes with my door, I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you. Good day.

A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed.

Referring to Manuel: You'll have to forgive him. He's from Barcelona.

To Manuel: This is Basil's wife. This is Basil. This is a smack on the head.

Can't we get you on Mastermind, Sybil? Next contestant - Sybil Fawlty from Torquay, special subject the bleedin' obvious.

Hello? - Ah, yes, Mr O'Reilly, well it's perfectly simple. When I asked you to build me a wall I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile you might have found time to cement them together ... you know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion.

(Sybil, referring to Manuel’s pet rat: Perhaps it would be simplest to have him put to s-l-e-e-p). Who? Him or the rat? I could get a discount if we get them both done.

My God, you're ugly, aren't you? (Nurse: I'll ... I'll get the doctor). It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor.

(Mrs. Richards: When I pay for a view, I expect to see something more interesting than that). That is Torquay, madam. (Mrs. Richards: Well, that's not good enough). Well, might I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically ... (Mrs. Richards: Don't be ridiculous. I expect to be able to see the sea). You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky. (Mrs Richards: You call that a view?) Well perhaps you should consider moving to a hotel closer to the sea, preferably in it.

(Mr J: Is there anywhere they do French food?) Yes, France, I believe. They seem to like it there. And the swim would certainly sharpen your appetite. You'd better hurry, the tide leaves in eight minutes.

Right, right!! Just stay where you are, because obviously if there was a fire you'd all be standing around here like this in the lobby, wouldn't you? ....... I don't know why we bother, we should let you all burn ....

(Mr Carnegie, the Health Inspector: Lack of proper cleaning routines, dirty and greasy filters, greasy and encrusted deep fat fryer, dirty, cracked and stained food preparation surfaces, dirty, cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, dirty, marked and stained utensils, dirty and greasy interior surfaces of the ventilator hood, .....) About the fat fryer... (Mr Carnegie: ...inadequate temperature control and storage of dangerous foodstuffs, storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, storage of raw meat above confectionery with consequent dripping of meat juices onto cream products, refrigerator seals loose and cracked, ice box undefrosted, and refrigerator overstocked ...) Say no more. (Mr Carnegie: ...food handling routines suspect, evidence of smoking in food preparation area, dirty and grubby food handling overalls, lack of wash hand basin which you gave us a verbal assurance you'll have installed at our last visit six months ago and two dead pigeons in the water tank). Otherwise O.K.?

I think I'll have a lie down. No I won't, I'll go and hit some guests.

(Sybil calls for him). Coming, my little piranha fish ....

(Sybil: You're looking very happy, Basil). Happy? Ah yes, I remember that.

(To two guests talking in German): Oh, German. I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you.

Don't mention the war. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it. So, it's all forgotten now and let's hear no more about it. So that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Herman Goering and four Colditz salads .... no, wait a minute ... I got confused because everyone keeps mentioning the war. (German: Will you stop mentioning the war?) You started it. (German: We did not start it). Yes you did, you invaded Poland ....

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Bill Clinton : US President

I'm someone who has a deep emotional attachment to Starsky and Hutch.

Martin Clunes : British actor

As Gary in Men Behaving Badly:

(Deborah: What do you do, Tony?) (Tony: I'm in the music business). Do you know Barry White?

What's the matter? We always have sex after I've cooked for us. That's why I do it.

(Dorothy, after Gary has farted in bed: Why d'you have to do that in bed Gary?) It's what blokes do. (Dorothy: Why d'you think women don't do it?) Lack of confidence.

(Dorothy: How would you feel if I farted in bed all the time?) I'd be absolutely delighted.

What is it that blokes do that’s so bad? Tell me one thing. (Dorothy: Well you’re always rummaging around in your underpants adjusting yourselves). It's complicated down there, things need freeing up.

(Dorothy: You’re always staring at women’s chests, you sit on the tube with your legs wide open like your exhibiting a new species of giant plum). We are.