B

Lauren Bacall : US actress

I used to tremble from nerves so badly that the only way I could hold my head steady was to lower my chin practically to my chest and look up at Bogie. That was the beginning of The Look.

TOP

Jim Backus : US actor/tv & radio host

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

TOP

Kevin Bacon : US actor

Any idiot can get laid when they're famous. That's easy. It's getting laid when you're not famous that takes some talent.

TOP

Bill Bailey : British comedian/actor

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk The Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said was “Dad, you're wrong”.

I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Eggs - crap chocolate, crap toy.

Describing his own perfect pitch: In the same way that people can tell you what note is being played on a piano, I used to pick out the tone of the Hoover.

I always like the female praying mantis, which will bite the head off its male partner in mid-copulation. Apparently, after that has happened, hejust keeps going. I must admit that when I read that, I felt a twinge of male pride. Blokes are great!

As Manny Bianco in Black Books:

(Phoning a cleaning company) Everything's covered in filth. Look! (He points the phone receiver around the room). The whole place is a complete mess. Can't find anything. Right now I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe!

(Inspector Norris: Hey what's, uh, with the face-fuzz?) Uhhh, undercover, undercover work. Uhhh, got to blend in with a heavy metal group .... who stole some ... furniture. Bastards.

(Inspector Norris: Oi! Smart lip doesn't work with me, Nogsy! I don't react well to it. Now you better start giving me something solid or I'll feed you to the sharks). Manny, misunderstanding the nice cop/nasty cop situation he's mistakenly got himself into: (to Nogsy) You have .... beautiful eyes. (Inspector Norris: You're going away, Nogsy! You understand me? This is the end of the line!) Do you think it would be really naughty if I phoned up the Hong Kong Kitchen and got us all some crispy duck? (Inspector Norris: Listen! You better speak up, or else we'll be talking to your missus! Ohohoho, how do you like that, family man?) Hey! When all this has blown oer, let's go and see Les Miserables. Have you been to the zoo? It's brilliant!

(Security Man: You reckon they got in throught the back?) Yeah, so we reckon it was drug addicts. (Security Man: Right). Yeah, they took all the drugs. Yeah we had a whole packet of Beechams, bottle of Night Nurse, it's all gone.

(To radio) Come in. Come in. This is Lonely Soldier. My co-ordinates are .... bookshop.

I always wanted to learn [piano], but my parents forced me not to. I spent hour after hour playing football, all by myself. Peering in at all the other children in the neighbourhood, practicing their piano.

(Bernard: What were those funny coloured things?) Vegetables.

(Bernard, telling Manny the shop doesn't need repainting: The shop is the way it is because it is the way it is. If it wasn't the way it is, it wouldn't be the way it is). It needs doing. (Bernard: It's charming. It has character). Character is an ambience. A feeling. It's not something with fur and a beak.

(To Bernard) I suggest you wash your own socks, if you can chisel them out of your shoes.

The usual, thanks. (Fran: What is your usual?) I don't know, I haven't decided yet.

From his Part Troll tour:

So Good Evening .... I am Bill Bailey - 1982 Michael Bolton Stars In Their Eyes regional finalist. Thank you for that ripple of pity. 1982 International Face of Hemp. God bless you. As you can see, I'm wearing the Britney style of mic tonight. I say Britney - it makes me look more like a wizard in a call centre. A Klingon motovational speaker .....

TOP

Tina Baker : British writer/broadcaster

I've been a soap queen for the last 10 years. In fact I'm THE soap queen (any other contenders may have to die in tragic, yet necessary, drive by shooting incidents).

My best and worst characteristics:

Best - believe the best about people

Worst - then tend to marry them.

I have a BA Hons in English Lit from Sheffield University, a post-graduate in Journalism from City University and a particularly impressive Cycling Proficiency Certificate.

TOP

Ann Bancroft : US actress

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.

TOP

Tallulah Bankhead : US actress

I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.

It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.

TOP

Brigitte Bardot : French actress

I started out as a lousy actress and have remained one.

TOP

Gary Barlow : British pop singer/songwriter, formerly of Take That

After a gig I get to the hotel all psyched-up from being on stage and get stuck into 'Homes and Interiors' magazine.

I don't know why people enjoy what I do. I play piano and sing a few songs - and that's about as exciting as I want it to get. The people who come to my shows will have to bring a good book.

TOP

Thelma Barlow : British actress

I never realised I was competitive until I started to go to a yoga class and wanted to be the best in the class, which is not the thing at all with yoga.

TOP

Jeffrey Barnard : British journalist

I have been commissioned to write an autobiography and I would be grateful to any of your readers who could tell me what I was doing between 1960 and 1974.

TOP

Sacha Baron-Cohen : British comedian/actor

As Ali G:

Is it because I is black?

So let's talk about spies now because the CIA has also got to do with spies, innit? Is it true that you have certain female spies that you put a camera in their punani?

Was the Big Bang louder than drum ‘n bass?

So you saying God made the world? And since then he's just chilled?

Me uncle Jamal, he says he is tri-sexual. He will try anything sexual. What does that mean?

Me thought that the GCE exams were easy, an just coz me an da examiner had different points of view, it don’t mean that I was necessarily wrong!

Interviewing the Beckhams:

Every boy wants to be in his boots and every man wants to be in his missus. Big up for none other than Victoria and David Beckham!

To David Beckham: Now, just because its Comic Relief doesn't mean you can speak in a silly voice.

So now, Beckham, let's talk about fashion. We has all seen pictures of you wearing clothes that was well embarrassing and frankly make you a proper laughing stock! What's the name of that dress that you wore? ("Sarong.") Yeah I know it was so wrong.

So tell me, does Brooklyn like your music, or is he getting a bit old for it now?

So tell me, is your little boy starting to put whole sentences together? (Victoria: "He's learning the bits and pieces, so yeah.") And what about Brooklyn?

As Borat:

Every Englishman must have a hobby. Some like to collect the stamp. Some like to make the jam. But the most fun is to kill a little animal with a shotgun or rip him up with a wild dog. This is why I come to the countryside to find out about English hobbies.

(Hunter: I'm retired now). You are a retard?

When you hear the word 'England' you think of the country with the most talented actors in the world; Lawrence Olivia, Alec Guinness and Frank Spencer. "Ooh Betsy the cat done shit". This man can do nothing right and two things wrong. This is why I come to Edinburgh Festival to find the most talented performer and bring them back to Kazakhstan.

TOP

Roseanne Barr : US actress/chat show host

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.

I figure if my kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

Excuse the mess but we live here.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

I know how to do anything. I’m a mom.

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

I am the person most qualified to host a talk show. I have five kids from three different marriages; my sister and brother are both gay; I have multiple personalities; and the National Enquirer reunited me with my daughter.

What do prostitutes do at a convention when they let their hair down? Do they wear flat shoes and stand up a lot?

I hate sex. I’m done with it. I tell my husband he should go have sex with other people, but he never does.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.

I have a huge crush on President Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he's a babe. He's got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he's hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn't married I'd be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.

TOP

Chris Barrie : British comedy actor

As Rimmer in Red Dwarf:

You're about as useful as a condom machine in the Vatican.

I just wanna say, that over the years, I have come to regard you as ..... people..I met.

Erm, I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we going to call ourselves? And I think it comes down to a choice between "The League Against Salivating Monsters", or - and this is my personal preference - "The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." Erm, one drawback with that - the abbreviation is C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S.

What about the Rimmer Directive? It states quite clearly, 'Never tangle with anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osmond family'.

What jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?

TOP

J M Barrie : British author

Every man who is high up loves to think that he has done it all himself; and the wife smiles, and lets it go at that.

TOP

Dave Barry : US humour columnist/author

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be: ....."meetings".

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including:

* Both of your socks should always be the same color

* Or they should at least both be fairly dark.

You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!'

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is the fact that, deep down inside, we all believe we are above-average drivers.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Nobody is normal.

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Your friends love you anyway.

In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean: Eel with big abcess.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

I realize that there are certain hardships that only females must endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines for public-restroom stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color. Also, females tend to reach emotional maturity very quickly, so that by age seven they are no longer capable of seeing the humor in loud inadvertent public blasts of flatulence, whereas males can continue to derive vast enjoyment from this well into their 80s.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?”

Which of the following is correct grammar?

A. Please send me two mongeese.

B. Please send me two mongooses.

C. Please send me a mongoose. While you're at it, send me another.

TOP

Drew Barrymore : US actress

I aspire to be like Lisa Simpson. I aspire to be that voice of reason one day.

On filming Wes Craven's Scream: I had to scream a lot - for twelve hours a day from seventeen different angles. I mean, to keep dredging up those tears that came after …. I'm not going to have PMS for five years.

If I die before my cat, I want a little of my ashes put in his food so I can live inside him.

I definitely don't think that I'm hot doo-doo. I don't.

I'm very confused by musicals. Anyone who breaks into song and dance in the middle of something confuses me.

TOP

Stan Barstow : British author/scriptwriter

The world may be full of fourth-rate writers but it's also full of fourth-rate readers.

TOP

Kim Basinger : US actress

I feel there are two people inside me - me and my intuition. If I go against her, she'll screw me every time, and if I follow her, we get along quite nicely.

TOP

Dave Bassett : British football manager

See the OOPS! page.

TOP

Bruce Baum : US comedian

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa, I'm way too high!"

TOP

Warren Beatty : US actor/producer/screenwriter/director

My notion of a wife at 40 is that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two 20s.

TOP

Jeff Beck : British rock guitarist

Some girlfriend rang up and said, "You've got to hear this guy, Jimi Hendrix." And I went, oh really? She said, "Yeah, I was at the club last night. It was unbelievable.' And I went, thanks. That's all you want to hear about first thing in the morning… someone else's outrageous guitar playing. So I went along to see Hendrix. It was unbelievable. I just went away thinking, I'd better think of something else to do.

TOP

David Beckham : British footballer/England captain

I was going to get Brooklyn christened but I didn't know what religion he is.

My nan loves to watch me on TV but is always remarking on how often I seem to argue with referees. Worse than that is that my nan is an excellent lip-reader. So she knows exactly what I'm saying.

When asked to name his strengths: Shopping!