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Paula Abdul : US singer/choreographer

On fellow ‘American Idol’ judge, Simon Cowell: Can you imagine Simon as a kid? His imaginary friends probably never wanted to play with him.

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Douglas Adams : British author

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound as they go flying by.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.

To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. To summarize the summary: people are a problem.

Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for the apparent disinclination to do so.

He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream, and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.

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Helen Adams : Contestant, Big Brother 2 (UK)

See the OOPS! page.

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Ben Affleck : US actor/screenwriter

On the night of the awards, I just carried the Oscar around waist-high. I never had so many women ask me, “Can I touch it?'” in my life. Sadly, they were talking about the statuette.

Rumours about me? Calista Flockhart, Pam Anderson, and Matt Damon. That's who I'm dating.

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Christine Aguilera : US singer

See the OOPS! page.

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Caroline Aherne : British comedy writer/actress

As Mrs Merton:

To Debbie McGee: But what first, Debbie, attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?

Again to Debbie McGee: I think of you both as our version of David Copperfield and Claudia Schiffer but, you know, on a lower budget.

To Barbara Windsor: That's what I love about you Barbara, you're one of us ... You're like a big film star, but you're still common as muck!

To Des Lynam: You're the Tom Cruise of menopausal women.

From The Fast Show:

As Our Janine: I’ve gone vegetarian now. I mean, I know I had a sausage roll yesterday, but it's not really meat, is it, y'know? I mean, there's no animal called a 'sausage'.

As Renee: Oh, you’re going to Turkey? Oh, you lucky thing! Oh, we’ve been to Turkey, meself and Roy. 1990 we went to Turkey, ’91 : Turkey, ’92 :Turkey, ’93 : Morecambe. Ooh, it’s not a patch on Turkey though, is it Roy?

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Kacey Ainsworth : British actress (Little Mo in Eastenders)

...... People were secretly filming me while I was dribbling on my sun lounger or with my bikini wedged up my arse.

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Damon Albarn : British lead singer/songwriter of Blur

Pop begins in bedrooms and ends up in supermarkets.

Gorillaz works because we're not, excuse the pun, trying to ape anybody.

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Alan Alda : US actor/writer/director

It’s too bad I’m not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could do with a few people like that.

As Hawkeye Pierce in the tv series M*A*S*H:

I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.

I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions.

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Jean Alexander : British actress

As Hilda Ogden in Coronation Street:

Referring to Bet Lynch: Talkin' of Rovers, you ought to see the new barmaid, if you can call her that. The first time I saw her I thought it were a jukebox.

(Reacting to one of Bet Lynch's low-cut blouses): The day I have to look like that to attract the fellers is the day I give up the struggle as a female fatale.

To Stan: I suppose so, I suppose so ... that's the trouble with you, you're too damn suppository. Now get out there and insert yourself.

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Muhummad Ali : US boxer & three time Heavyweight Champion of the World

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.

I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

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Dave Allen : Irish comedian

I'm an Atheist...thank God.

We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we

retire. And what do they give us? A clock.

Am I the Irish comedian with half a finger? No, I'm the Irish comedian with nine and a half fingers.

I still think of myself as I was 25 years ago. Then I look in a mirror and see an old bastard and realise it's me.

I've stopped smoking ... I think the cost was a lot of it, and not being able to breathe. I first gave up smoking when I was 8.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

Fred Allen : US humorist

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

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James Allen : British Formula 1 tv commentator/motoring journalist

See the OOPS! page.

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Tim Allen : US comedy actor

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

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Woody Allen : US film director/writer/actor/playwright/musician

I'm a practising heterosexual, but bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

My only regret in life is that I wasn’t born someone else.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think he's evil. The worst thing you can say about him is that, basically, he's a underachiever.

Being rich is better than being poor, if only for financial reasons.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

I am at two with nature.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful -- provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

If I’m reincarnated I want to come back as Warren Beatty’s fingertips.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I’m really a timid person. I was beaten up by Quakers.

I was the best I ever had.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

The last time I was in a woman I was visiting the Statue of Liberty.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.

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Peter Allis : British golf commentator

See the OOPS! page.

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Tori Amos : US singer/songwriter/pianist

I grew up in dirt-poor hillbilly country. We lived this dry-below-the-waist kind of scene. If you were a sensual woman you were in league with that which is un-Christlike. Where I come from, a cockroach is a roach, and a cockerel is a rooster because they can't bring themselves to say cock.

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Anastacia : US singer/songwriter

People were thinking, “Wow, you discovered an amazing concept." I'm like, What are you talking about? "Oh, your glasses. What a great gimmick." I'm like, Dude, I'm blind.

During a British interview: Fortunately I'm not a red meat eater - so I won't be affected by your "hoof and whatever-its-called" disease. Occasionally I enjoy a Big Mac, but I don’t consider that meat. It's more meat wannabe.

When asked what the most rock 'n' roll thing was she’d ever done: Filled my tour manager's bed with whipped cream, yoghurt and tampons. But I'm so un-rock 'n' roll I even cleaned it up.

I like a full-bodied red wine. But I don't get drunk or do drugs. If I put a drug in my body I'd probably combust - I'm high enough already, thank you.

The last time I was in London, I had to go and have my kitty cat waxed, if you get my drift. So I wandered into this salon and a Chinese girl told me to take everything off and get on the couch. So I'm naked and in the child-bearing position and she's down there about two inches from my kitty cat when suddenly her eyes peek up over the top of it and she says “You know what? You kinda look like the "Not that kinda girl" woman”. I nearly fell off the couch! I mean, exactly what part of me down there reminded her I was a singer?

I was at an awards ceremony in France and got up to collect an award. I was trying to say, “I love your country” in French, but apparently I got the pronunciation wrong, so what I actually said was, “I like to fuck”. Everyone was screaming, so I thought 'Oh, they love the fact I spoke French,' so I said it again. Louder. This was on live TV, too, so the place was in uproar. It was only when I got off stage that my record company told me what I'd said. Needless to say, I now sell a hell of a lot of records in France.

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Clive Anderson : British tv presenter/writer/barrister

I'm not bald. I'm just taller than my hair.

To Gary Glitter: Come in, sit down, take the weight off your ego.

On Whose Line Is It Anyway?:

The points are all level. They're different points, they're just lined up on the paper.

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Pamela Anderson : Canadian actress/model

Referring to her boobs: They have a career of their own and I’m just tagging along.

I'm all natural .... mostly.

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Peter Andre : Australian pop singer/songwriter

I get on my own nerves.

Referring to I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! : I feel like I've come out of a jungle into an even bigger jungle.

We had back to back interviews, 15 minute interviews, there were about 20 of them, and to hear the people say "Ok, we've only got 10 minutes with you", "We've only got 5 minutes with you, we need to know this ...." I said, "You had six years to ask me questions ....."

On taking his new relationship with Jordan at a slow pace : We're renting with an option to buy.

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Julie Andrews : British singer/actress

Sometimes I'm so sweet even I can't stand it.

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Jennifer Aniston : US actress

When somebody follows you 20 blocks to the pharmacy, where they watch you buy toilet paper, you know your life has changed.

I've gone for each type: the rough guy; the nerdy, sweet, lovable guy; and the slick guy. I don't really have a type. Men in general are a good thing.

I was a fag-hag at nine.

It was the school part of high school that I really had a problem with. Otherwise, there were some great times.

As Rachel Green in Friends:

The Paulo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, you know, meaningless, animal sex. (Pause) OK, you know, that sounded sooo much better in my head.

(Monica: I feel terrible, I really do). Oh I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?

(Monica: Rachel, if you want to go out with him, you can. He sounds like a big jerk to me, but if that's what you want to do …) Jean-Claude, she said yes, I'll see you tonight!

(Chandler: Let me ask you, why is everybody using these tiny little lights nowadays? I remember when people used to use big lights). That's a good story, Grandpa!

Discussing tattoos: Phoebe, how could you do this to me, this was all your idea. (Phoebe: I know, I know, and I was gonna get it, but then he came in with this needle, and, did you know they do this with needles?) Really, you don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens.

To Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, were you talking to me or sleeping with someone else?

(Rachel's Mother: Oh my god, there's an unattractive nude man playing a cello). Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.

You get your messages! (Monica: Yeah, well, I don't think it really counts if you have to read them off the back of your hand after you've fallen asleep on the couch). Oh? So, you missed a message from who? Chandler? Or your mom? Or Chandler? Or your mom?

(To Ross) Hey, just so you know - it's not that common, it doesn't 'happen to every guy' and it is a big deal.

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Jeffrey Archer : British novelist/playwright/former Tory Party Chairman

Referring to his school: I was allowed to ring the bell for five minutes until everyone was in assembly. It was the beginning of power.

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Mary Archer : British scientist and wife of Jeffrey Archer

We are all human, but Jeffrey manages to be more human than most.

I think we explored the further reaches of for better or for worse than some other married couples.

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Richard Armour : US poet/author

That money talks I’ll not deny, I heard it once, it said “Goodbye”.

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Alexander Armstrong : British comedian/actor

From the Pimm’s tv commercial: Hold on - five of you, one of me, I make that Pimm’s o’clock!

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Neil Armstrong : US astronaut and the first man to set foot on the moon.

I put up my thumb .... and it blotted out the planet Earth.

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Lesley Ash : British actress

As Deborah in Men Behaving Badly:

(Describing Gary to Tony): Well, not exactly kind. More ... irritating. But he did help me out though, when my boyfriend got a bit violent. (Tony: Oh, well that is kind). He let my boyfriend head-butt him.

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Ron Atkinson : British football commentator

It's bloody tough being a legend.

At least we were consistent - useless in defence, mediocre in midfield and crap up front.