“I once made love for an hour & 15 minutes, but it was the night the clocks were set ahead.” - Garry Shandling (Larry Sanders)

“You know I used to say in my act that I knew I was getting old because I walked past a display of Dr Scholl sandals & thought, ‘They look comfy.’ Now I walk past them and think, ‘Oh no, too modern ....” - Victoria Wood

“The only gossip I’m interested in is things from the Weekly World News - ‘Woman’s bra bursts. 11 injured.’ That kind of thing.” - Johnny Depp

“Doing nothing is very hard to do .... you never know when you're finished." - Leslie Nielsen

“I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk The Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said was, “Dad, you’re wrong.” - Bill Bailey

“Being rich is better than being poor, if only for financial reasons.”  - Woody Allen